Page 62 of Indulgence
He nodded. “Okay. Have a good night. Get some sleep. Or drink some bourbon.”
I couldn’t say whether either of those would help, but I replied nonetheless, “Will do.”
Even with my frustration and disappointment in her actions, for the past couple of days, I’d been tossing around the idea of surprising Natalie with something I felt was necessary in order to move forward. Weneededto move forward. Even my boss knew my life was in some kind of upheaval. It was time to start putting everything back together.
My phone was still in airplane mode, so I reached into my pocket to turn it on, attempting to see if I could get the ball rolling with the idea I started discussing with my uncle after I left Pen’s house the other day. My uncle owned a general contracting business and was willing to help me with what I wanted to do.
My phone let out a torrent of chimes, beeps, and dings as it came back to life.
My eyes zeroed in on the voice mail notification. It was from Natalie.
I clicked the button, and her voice filled my ear. She sounded desolate and slightly tipsy.
Her voice was calm as the message started, but I could tell her mind was anything but with the way her sentences all ran together. She barely took a breath as she said, “I know that we should have this conversation face to face, or even over the phone, but it’s on my mind and I can’t turn it off, so I need to leave this message now.” She paused for a breath. “It took me some time to realize that I wasn’t the only one hurting. I didn’t think about how you felt because I was too encapsulated in what I felt.”
The bitterness and resentment I harbored couldn’t let me wrap my head around how she hadn’t considered that. “I also think it was too hard for me to see your side of the situation, and that maybe I didn’t do the best job of explaining why I’m having such a hard time with it all. Why I can’t just wrap my arms around you and smile because there is no child with Brooke.”
My palms moistened as my heart rate picked up. I’d never be able to thank my lucky stars enough that those words never became a reality.
I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle after the week I’d had. All the talk about not knowing how to fix things made my skin crawl, and I didn’t think I could sit around and listen to any more. Nat was sorry for her response to the situation, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t still looking for a place to throw blame to relieve her guilt or justify her actions. I wasn’t in the mood for any of that at the moment. I wanted to get across the parking garage, into my car, and head home.
She took a deep breath, and I swore I held mine as she spoke. “When I woke that morning and Brooke was in the kitchen making breakfast, it annoyed me from the moment I realized what she was doing. I’m not sure why since it was a rather nice thing to do. Then I walked past her clothes on the floor, and all I could see was her with you from the night before. When you met us in the kitchen, she looked at you the way you look at someone you know intimately, which she did. But you are my husband, and she had no right to look at you that way. That was when I realized there hadn’t been any protection. I was suddenly thrust into this parallel universe. It was like she just inserted herself directly into my shoes, into my whole life, overnight. Sleeping with my husband. Cooking breakfast for my husband. Potentially carrying my husband’s child. And it was all happening in my own damn house. It was too much. I snapped. I was consumed with rage and jealousy. It seemed as if she was trying to steal my life right from under my nose, and I let it happen. Then it all morphed into a cloud of sadness and fear that I didn’t know what todowith. We can’t take it back. I can’t find my way out of the cloud.”
Holy shit.
That I didn’t see coming. I had to sit on the bench outside the elevators of the parking garage to try to absorb it all. Natalie felt insecure. I had no idea she felt threatened in that way. I understood how the idea of Brooke ending up pregnant scared her, that was common sense, but she never said anything about the jealousy. And I never suspected. I’d assumed that she felt as steadfast in our relationship as I did.
“What is it that you want to take back?” I asked to no one but still genuinely wanting to know. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the experience, but I wanted to know why Natalie hadn’t. That was something we were going to need to discuss.
A wave of pure sadness washed over me as she continued trying to explain. “When I woke up the next day, everything felt wrong. But it didn’t feel wrong until after. We had fun. I enjoyed myself during it because you were enjoying yourself. I wanted to give you something I assumed you wanted as you had done for me so many times.”
Wait what?
That was a volley of arrows piercing my heart. I never asked for that. I didn’t need it.
“I know what you’re thinking, and no, you never asked for that night with Brooke, but you’re a man and what man doesn’t want to see his wife with another woman or have a threesome? I guess I figured it would be like that night with Adam, so why not give you that experience?”
My heart pounded in my chest as I thought about what she was implying. Did she plan that night with Brooke ahead of time?
She answered my thought in her next confession. “I didn’t set out to find a woman to bring home with us for anything, but Brooke was kind of into me and she was definitely attracted to you. The idea popped into my head and I ran with it. Let it all play out once things started moving in that direction. I didn’t plan it, but I didn’t stop it. Everything is fun when you’re drinking, and it doesn’t really register as something that is happening in real life. How do I live with this mess I’ve caused? How do I live with this jealousy and regret? I thought I could handle it and be strong like you, but I’m not.”
The sounds of her swallowing interrupted her words, which were becoming a bit more frazzled and her pitch grew higher as the words tumbled out faster. “This whole thing ismyfault. I know that. I started us down this path with my stupid desires. What the hell am I supposed to do now? I can’t take it back. It happened, and now I have to live with it. I couldn’t have just been happy with a normal sex life like all the other married couples? I had to want more, and now I’ve ruined everything.”
By the end, she was crying. And hiccupping. I stood from the bench, wanting nothing more than to wrap my arms around her whether she wanted them there or not. “It’s eating me alive, Matteo. The sadness in your eyes, the images I can’t get out of my head, the regret. I just can’t.”
The beep over the line signaled that the message had ended. “Oh, love, nothing is necessarily ruined. You just needed to have told me this about ten days ago.”
If I had known the root of the problem for Nat’s behavior, I would’ve known how to better handle the situation. We both needed to find security and safety within one another again.
She left that message about an hour ago. It was after ten, but I pressed the call back button as I made my way to my car any way. It went to voice mail as I had a feeling it would.
I pulled up Penelope’s number, knowing she’d answer, and I could at least check on Nat.
“Hey,” she answered on the third ring.
“How is she?” I asked as I hit the button on the remote to open my trunk. I tossed my suitcase inside. “She left me an emotional message about an hour ago.”
“She’s going to have a bit of a hangover tomorrow.” Penelope sighed. “I was pretty hard on her the day you left. She’s coming around but is riddled with guilt and regret. The wine started as soon as she got home from work today. She cried for about twenty minutes after her phone died during her message. She’s passed out now. She also spoke with Jackson and Emma today, and I think that made things worse for her. With you all being apart, she is really spiraling.”
