Page 55 of Indulgence
Matt didn’t deserve to be shut out. I knew that above all else, but I justcouldn’t. Not yet. A long, harsh breath blew from my lungs as I sent him to voice mail and drove home. Or my temporary home.
My emotions were all over the place, same as every day since the weekend. I was exhausted as I pulled into the driveway. Skipping dinner at heading right to bed sounded like the best thing in world.
I didn’t have the energy to move. All I wanted was to hide away from the world until everything returned to normal. If anything ever returned to normal again.
Penelope peeked through the window again. She was either worried I was going to sleep in the car or that I was a burglar who liked to park in the driveway. It was the third time in the last seven minutes. I knew it was exactly seven minutes because I kept checking the clock as if I could just wish the time by. Wish my life into a place where all my problems no longer exist.
Everything was overshadowed by this looming doom. Food didn’t have a taste. Things didn’t have smells. Life just sucked. Fear and pain consumed me. My heart was heavy. My stomach flip-flopped with every turn I made that took me in the opposite direction of my home—where I so desperately want to go but couldn’t. I was a coward.
Just then, the front door swung open and Matteo’s form filled the space. Every inch of him shook with an intense something. I couldn’t tell from my vantage point in the car, but I knew things were about to get real.
Matt was done letting me ignore him.
Part of me was thrilled to see him. I still loved him fiercely. But the other part, the vulnerable part, of me was terrified of this confrontation.
I gulped as I exited the car. Nothing felt worse than knowing you were the problem but not having any way to fix it or make it right.
He wasted no time storming down the path to the driveway and the car. “Is this how it’s going to be? It’s been six days, Natalie.”
I wanted nothing more than to tell him it was all going to be okay but with everything all unhinged, I didn’t know if it was true.
Matteo was clearly exhausted. He was wearing his glasses, a tell-tale sign he wasn’t himself. There was stubble lining his jaw. His dark hair was sticking up in all directions as if he’d run his hands through it over and over.
Penelope looked apologetic from her spot on her porch and I wondered how long Matteo had been waiting for me. And what they spoke about.
“Natalie . . .” Matteo sighed. His voice no longer filled with anger but rather desperation.
My emotions were on overload, I wanted Matt to wrap me in his arms and assure me that it would all be okay but then that evil picture of him and Brooke and their baby and our babies all smiling for a happy holiday photo crashed through that thought reminding me that everything wasn’t okay and there was a chance it never would be again.
“I—”
He reached a hand forward in attempt to grab mine. but I stepped back. The hurt on Matt’s face matched the hurt in my heart “Please don’t finish that sentence with can’t.”
The first tear rolled my cheek. “I don’t know what to do here, Matteo.”
I could tell he wanted to grab me, hug me, or maybe shake me, but it was clear he wanted to be touching me. My stupid brain seemed to have wiped all memory of his touch and replaced it with visions of him coming in Brooke. Unprotected. Then the happy family photo sans me popped back in. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
“We’re supposed to weather this storm together.” His eyes glittered with moisture. I’ve only seen Matt cry twice. The day the kids were born and when his grandfather died. “I cannot sit in the house all alone any longer.” His voice grew a notch louder. “I can’t sit around waiting for this to all work out. We’re a team, Nat. That means we handle shit like this together. Not with you hiding out at Penelope’s and leaving for Portland without telling your husband. Is that what we’ve become?”
His anger flared, igniting mine as well. My fist clenched around my purse. Angry tears streamed down my face. “This isn’t easy for me either. You just don’t get it.”
“What don’t I get?” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Because last time I checked this was just as bad for me as it was for you. Do you think that I like the fact there is a possibility, no matter how big or small, that another woman could be carrying my child?”
It might not have shown in my actions, but I knew that wasn’t easy for him. I wasn’t a complete idiot, but logic wasn’t in control. I took a deep breath and tried to explain myself. “Of course, you don’t. I know this was an accident. But it’s like that movie when they’re trying to kill Freddy Kruger and they pull him from the dream. They bring him into their world, and he starts destroying them. That was what it feels like happened to us. We dragged our sex-adventures into our private lives—into our home, our bed. We mixed our worlds, and they came crashing down around us. There was a real chance that you impregnated another woman, in our bed, while I watched. That is the stuff nightmares are made of, Matteo. I can’t figure out how to separate the two worlds again. They are all knotted together. I can’t stop imagining what they could mean for us, for the rest of our lives. We’ve been here before. We know all too well how reliable the pill can be. It’s like deja-vu with Jackson and Emma but I’m not in the picture this time. ”
“Nat—”
“I’m terrified and hurt and sad. I felt like my skin was crawling for the two minutes I was in the bedroom on Monday.” My chest heaved as I battled to get a hold of my anger and pain. “It’s all so raw. I’m not strong enough right now to do anything other than wake up in the morning and perform basic functions. I’m sorry. I know you deserve better, but I just don’t have any more left to give right now.”
It was a struggle to put one foot in front of the other. Subconsciously I think I knew it would be unbelievably hard to walk away from him which is why I stayed away. I was torn in two. One half of me wanted to run back to Matt and just pretend that nothing ever happened. Go back home and live our lives as if the last week never happened. But the other part of me knew just how much damage this whole thing had inflicted.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Matteo
Natalie had just walked awayfrom me. Again. I wanted to chase after her as she headed up the driveway to the front door and force her to talk with me, force her to act like a partner, but I had to be at an important dinner with my boss in an hour. Earlier that afternoon, he came into my office and told me he wanted me to meet a client who just hired us.
A part of me had a feeling something big was going to happen for my career tonight and I wanted to share it with Natalie. That just made me angry. Next thing I knew, I veered off the exit and headed toward Penelope’s, ready to drag my wife home after almost a week of her hiding out here. Only, I hadn’t expected her to be on her way home from Portland when I got there. I expected her to just be getting home from work as well. I thought it was the perfect time to catch her off guard. Not give her any time to hide from me.
