Page 88 of The Duke's Second Bride
“But he has let the fear overrule the affection,” Ava said morosely. “What good is it for him to care for me, if the thought of caring for me sends him into a panic?”
“Have you tried speaking to him more about it?” Edith asked.
Ava shook her head in frustration. “I have done nothing but try to talk to him about it,” she said. “It took a while, seeing as how he was resolutely avoiding me, but finally I managed to get more than two words out of him. He made it very clear he does not think it is worth the risk.”
“So, he would swear away a life of love just for a brief panic?” Edith asked, as though she couldn’t possibly comprehend. Ava felt better, seeing her own confusion mirrored in her best friend’s reaction.
“I am of a mind with you,” she assured Edith. “But I have tried to reason with him. If he does not want me, I cannot force him to change his mind. It is better for me to give him what he wants.”
“Ava,” Edith said chidingly.
“And … perhaps he is right,” Ava said. The tears spilled over. “This pain alone hurts so much, and we barely had a few weeks of happiness. What love could possibly be worth this pain?”
“Love?” Edith gasped. “Ava, do you love him?”
Ava shrugged, feeling more helpless than she ever had before in her life. “Does it matter?” she cried. “He does not want my love, Edith. And I do not want to feel like this ever again. I have a home and stability. I have a child in Luke. I have my friendly love for you. Perhaps it was greedy of me to ever want more.”
“You mustn’t say such things,” Edith cooed, trying her best to comfort Ava. She pulled out a kerchief and passed it to her friend. Ava accepted it gratefully, wiping at her eyes. “Ava, you are the most selfless person I know. You deserve all the love you have ever dreamed of. It is not greedy to want romance.”
Ava shook her head after drying her tears. “I do not know,” she said. “I feel as though I don’t know anything anymore. I was certain I would never feel about anyone the way I do about Christian, and yet here I am. I thought we were finally happy for good, and yet it was snatched away so suddenly.”
“If it changed once, it can change again,” Edith urged her. “You must talk to him.”
Ava shook her head. “He does not want me,” she said again. “He wants me to leave him alone. All I can do is give him that.”
He couldn’t escape the guilt that was gnawing away at his stomach. But there was also nothing he could do to remedy the situation.
He had done the right thing, he reminded himself. He wanted—heneededto keep Ava safe, and this was the only way to guarantee that safety.
Moreover, what would caring for each other do, except open them both up to the pain of future loss? Even if death in childbirth wasn’t a certainty, neither of them would live forever.
Whether it was now or later, he would have to lose her eventually.
He was protecting them both, he told himself.
He threw himself into his work, and so he didn’t see much of Luke, either. The boy knew not to bother his father when there was paperwork to be done.
But today, when he went into his study, he found some drawings left on his desk. There was one of Pudding, curled up in an armchair. There were several flowers that were now blooming strongly in the garden.
Christian smiled in spite of his melancholy. Luke was a talented artist, and it had been sweet of him to leave the drawings here. He must have noticed the gloom and wanted to cheer his father up.
Then Christian turned the page, and his heart tightened.
It was a picture of Ava, petting a horse. Luke had even managed to capture the glint of sun off her hair and the joyful light in her eyes.
Looking at the picture, Christian could not help but be tossed back into a memory of their first meeting.
The fierce passion in her eyes had taken his breath away.
The other night, when she had come to confront him in the library, that same determination had been written all over her face.
When he had pushed her away, he could almost see the light in her eyes die. It was so horrible that he had barely been able to look at her.
He let the pictures fall back onto his desk. Then he collapsed into his chair and didn’t move for a long time.
When he stood up, he pulled on his coat and headed out. He needed a drink.
CHAPTER 32
