Page 29 of Once Bitten, Twice Fried
Julie nodded again. There it was. She had no way to escape this any more.
Zoe was looking down at the sand, drawing lines with her foot. “We never really talked about it, and then I never saw you again.”
Julie had tried to keep the memory at bay for so long, but it all rushed back into her mind now, with the knowledge that it was still ever-present for Zoe. That night that they had kissed passionately for hours, tangled up in each other, whispering words that no one else could hear.
“I just wanted to know, what happened? And why? I missed you, you know? It was like a part of myself had been taken away.” The words poured out of Zoe like she couldn’t stop them,like, she’d thought them a million times and couldn’t hold them in any longer. Her voice was trembling. Julie could see her pulse beating fast under her throat.
“I-” Julie didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t lie and say that nothing had happened, because the hurt in Zoe’s look was real. But she couldn’t tell her the truth either, could she?
“Please. I just need to know.” Zoe’s voice was pleading, her dark brown eyes filled with sadness. “If I’ve done something wrong…”
With her blood pumping in her ears and all the courage she could get, Julie started stammering.
“I- um I had.” She took a breath. “I had a crush on you.” Julie’s head spun. Her entire body felt too light.
“A crush?” Zoe startled.
What was she thinking, saying that out loud? Julie didn’t feel good about this. She didn’t want Zoe to freak out, to think that she had only been friends with her because she was attracted to her or something. She needed to get Zoe comfortable again.
“I know right? It was so stupid. I had this big crush on you.” She was talking fast now, almost slurring her words. “And then that night happened and I thought I was losing my mind, so I acted weird. But now it’s all in the past! It’s fine!”
Zoe was staring at Julie, an indecipherable look on her face.
“It was so ridiculous. Me? Having a crush on you?” Julie laughed. “Not that you’re not attractive! That’s not what I meant, you’re super cute.” She could feel the words pouring out of her, without any thought or filter. “It just made no sense!” She glanced at Zoe, who was still silent. Panic was quickly rising in Julie’s head. She felt like she had to fill the silence. “I’m so sorry.” The air had gotten colder. Zoe had her arms crossed and was looking down at the sand again.
“You know…” Zoe finally said slowly, “I also had a thing for you.”
Julie did a double take.
Zoe sighed. “I think I had a thing for you? But I was too scared to do anything about it.”
Did Julie really hear what she had just heard? She couldn’t believe that any of this was real. Even in her wildest dreams she had never imagined it was a possibility.
“But… you never mentioned anything about that night.” Julie was utterly confused. Zoe had just left her the next morning, without warning. She hadn’t heard from her for days afterwards. Julie would never forget the terror she’d gone through, thinking that Zoe would just tell her that it was a mistake and leaving her with a wasted heart.
“Well, you didn’t talk about it either.” Zoe licked her lips. “You were the more ‘experienced’ one with that sort of thing, so I was waiting for you to talk to me.”
“How was I supposed to do that? You were my straight best friend!” Julie waved her arms around, not knowing what to do with this confession.
“Well, it’s not really straight for me to make out with you for an entire night, is it?” Zoe was nearly shouting now. The last word echoed with the waves.
Julie slowly realised what was happening. She could have had all of this. She could have been with Zoe, had she been honest with her feelings back then. She could have had a life with the woman she was looking at, this person who came back into her existence only in the last 24 hours and that she already had no idea how she could live without. It was over ten years too late. She swallowed around the lump in her throat.
“But you’re right.” Zoe sighed. “I can’t blame you for not talking to me. I could’ve been braver as well.” A faint smile. “We’ll never know. It’s all in the past now.” She started slowly walking towards the water. “I just… I just still wished we would have remained friends all this time. Even years later, I still hadthe urge to text you every time something happened in my life, but you were just so laconic, so I eventually gave up.”
“I’m sorry, Zoe.” Julie almost whispered. “I just didn’t know what else to do. You were going back home anyway. I thought that was the best I could do for myself. And for you.” It was true. Julie hadn’t wanted to burden Zoe with her feelings back then. Her absence from Zoe’s life felt like the best thing she could offer. “It might seem selfish, but you have to know that I was utterly terrified of losing you. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship… I didn’t want you to think that I was only friends with you because I was hoping for more…”
“And so you went ahead and shut the door because you were scared that I would?” Zoe turned around to face Julie again.
“I did.”
“Oh, Julie.” Zoe took her in her arms and Julie held her with all her strength. It was a glimpse of what Julie could’ve had. And it was enough for now. It had to be enough.
“Don’t ever do that again. Having a broken heart doesn’t mean that you were allowed to break mine.” Zoe’s warm tears were damping through Julie’s hen do t-shirt. She still smelled the exact same way she did ten years ago. It was all too much and Julie broke the embrace.
“I’m sorry. I was young and stupid.”
“It’s OK.” Zoe smiled and wiped a tear off her cheek. “We can finally leave the past behind us now.”
