Page 85 of Redemption
Hours fly by, and I’ve not been able to turn my incessant thoughts off for even a minute. With a huff, I turn back over, deciding to take out my frustration on the pillow by discreetly—oh, let’s be honest; not so discreetly—hammering my fist into it, trying to fluff up the bastard. I’m about to throw my head back down onto the infuriating thing when Darius’ soft voice floats over to me. “Talk to me, precious. You wanted me to come in here and fall asleep, but it’s kind of difficult when you keep squirming around like that. What’s wrong?”
I sigh and turn onto my back, twisting my neck to see him staring at me in the darkened room. “It’s nothing.”
Turning to his side, he lifts his hand, positioning his palm under his cheek. “I get you’re worried about them, but, from what you’ve told me, they’re strong. They’re going to be ok. And I’m going to get them back for you as soon as we’re able. I promise.”
Oh, Darius.
Of course, he’d think I was only concerned for the guys and not also trying to process the fact that there’s a man in my bed who I used to love.
And might still...
His closeness, while reassuring, is burning me up inside, and I have no way to reconcile that knowledge. I’m with Jax, Cole, and Hawk. Despite our unconventional relationship, it doesn’t give me a free pass to do as I please. And it certainly doesn’t include any rehashing of feelings towards an ex who, for all this time, I thought was dead.
It's strange. I despised him for years, hated the very thought of him. But hate is so very close to the concept of love. A fine line I’m precariously balancing on, tight roping our jaded past and haunting memories alongside the what-ifs and possibilities. As of recently, I’ve found myself teetering closer and closer to the edge, towards the more dangerous side of falling head over heels back in love with the man I’d sworn off all those years ago. But, more importantly, I’ve realized that I don’t think I’ve ever actually fallen out of love with Darius Cruz.
And that... is a huge problem.
If the horde leaves tomorrow, I have to make a choice. I don’t want to, and it kills me to think of it, but I have to.
Do I stay with Jax, Hawk, and Cole, living out a future together? One we’ve only just begun?
Or do I choose to stay with Darius? The man who was a huge part of my life for years, whether I wanted him to be or not. Regardless of how we originally separated—and now that I have the option—do I choose to finally live the life I always wished we had?
Tears blur my vision as I contemplate what I’m about to do. Of who I’m going to have to say goodbye to and walk away from, leaving them and their love forever.
I don’t want to do it. I can’t. It hurts to even think about it.
Reluctantly, Darius’ hand comes up to my face, his palm caressing my jawline as his brows furrow. “Al... It’s going to be ok.” He averts his gaze slightly before returning to mine. “Tell me about them.”
“What?”
“Tell me about them. Like the good stuff. Happy times. It’ll take your mind off of whatever you’re worried about.”
I think for a second, wondering if he actually wants to learn about the guys who have, for all intents and purposes, taken his place. But, then again, he did ask.
“Ok,” I sniffle, clearing my throat before I continue, “So you already know there are three of them. They’re friends who met in the Marine Corps. Well, two were in the Marine Corps. The other was a corpsman assigned to their unit.” The thought of the guys brings a shaky smile to my lips. “When they found me, all three of them were living at this giant estate on Lake Waccamaw. Jax’s place.”
Darius stiffens slightly, narrowing his eyes as his head tilts at the name, but doesn’t say anything, so I continue.
“He’s... a lot. I was really intimidated by him in the beginning. But once I got to know him, he’s really just a big, hulking teddy bear. Out of all of them, he makes me feel the safest. He actually saved me last year when I was abducted by some guys at the southern end of the lake. Came in there and blew through every one of them. Like, literally, blew them up. With bombs... or grenades or... something. Bodies were just... everywhere. The man is terrifying. Like a character straight up out of an action movie, ready to disembowel someone for looking at me wrong. But you know what? I love that about him.” I giggle softly under my breath as I continue. “Funny thing? He has a secret infatuation with romance novels. We even read a bunch of them together last winter when we had to relocate to his cabin.” I can still remember Hawk losing his mind as he tried to read a high fantasy one. Why he chose that one out of the dozens of others I’ll never know, but it was hilarious all the same and made me laugh just as he’s always able to do. My eyes turndown as I fall into the memory, playing with a frayed part of the bedspread.
It's weird. When I open my mind to think about it, Jax is a lot like Darius. They’re both super protective, always looking out for threats. They both saved me from either being abducted or about to be. The similarities between their two personalities aren’t uncommon, but it’s still curious.
“Then, there’s Hawk. He’s really funny and easygoing. Makes surviving the end of the world exciting and exhilarating. The man’s always singing or getting me to dance with him. In fact, when we were cornered by a massive horde a few months ago, he lured them away by dancing and singing at the top of his lungs. Worked like a charm. He made them follow him for miles to make sure the coast was clear before turning around and heading back to us.” My mood suddenly diminishes as I think back on what happened to Cole. The fear, doubt, and anger that consumed us all as we huddled around him, assuming the worst, is something I never want to relive ever again. But, despite the terrifying memories, I force myself to continue, choosing to remind myself that if we survived that, we could survive anything.
“And lastly, there’s Cole. Or Doc, as we call him. He’s the corpsman I was telling you about. He’s... my rock. My safe space. Surviving this long without anyone.... It took its toll on me, as I’m sure you’re well aware.” I peek an eye over at my imaginary twin still sitting in the corner. Her back’s up against the wall with her knees pulled up into her chest, silently taking everything in as she watches over us. “For a while, I wasn’t in a good place. Not because of them, but because of what I’d been through. Cole taught me how to handle the anxiety that came with it. Coping mechanisms, breathing exercises, and even a bondage technique—I can’t remember the specific name for it—where he wraps ropes around me so tightly I can hardly breathe, let alone think. He helped me create a safe space in my own mind. Taught me how to be strong mentally, while the others taught me how to be strong physically.”
That thought has me reflecting once again on all the men in my life. Their unique differences, and also their striking similarities.
Darius also creates a safe space for me to relax. He used his voice to sing me to sleep, provided solace when I was at my lowest point. He’s also like Hawk in that case. His ability to use his voice to help me escape my own mind by replacing my concerns with music is soothing.
I fumble over a breath as a sudden, stark reality hits my mind.
Oh no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Did I seriously replace Darius with three guys who are just equivalent parts of his whole?
