Page 97 of Redemption
I startle, my brain suddenly overwhelmed.
Hawk.
My lips pause, even though his continue exploring.
Cole.
I gasp. What have I done?
The spell breaks, yet my pulse continues to race at the thought of what just happened. With a gentle, yet trembling, hand, I press against Dare’s shoulder, breaking our little bubble and careening us back into the present.
“I can’t do this,” I whisper shakily, terrified to even acknowledge what we’ve done.
“Yes, you can,”my inner self chimes in, leaning against the next tree over with Charlie Brown hearts bursting from her head.
“I can’t do this to them,” I ramble on, stepping away from the tree, hands flying up to my hair to pull at the roots. A small chunk breaks free as I release my grip, further proof that I’m absolutely, without a doubt, totally and completely fucked.
“They’ll understand. He was the love of your life. The guys are more considerate than you think.”
Shaking my head, I urge myself to see reason for once in my life.“No. No. No. I love them too much, and this will break their hearts.”
“They already like to share, and you haven’t even asked them, yet. Who knows? They might even—”
“NO!”
I end my battle with my personally annoying version of Jiminy Cricket and turn back to Darius, knowing I most definitely look like a full-fledged lunatic arguing with myself, but it doesn’t matter. “I’m so sorry.”
Darius’ eyebrows draw together, the crease between them deepening with concern. “Alessandra?”
He’s confused, rightfully so. I am too. I have no idea how to navigate this maelstrom of emotions fluttering throughout my belly. I love my guys. Hawk. Cole. Jax. I love them with all my heart. But feelings I once thought were lost linger for the man in front of me. A pile of dried tinder, left abandoned, just waiting for a spark to ignite and create an inferno neither of us can douse.
It’s too much.
Too overwhelming.
The fact I lost control, not even remembering the three men waiting for me, who love me with their entire hearts—who I’m supposed to be fucking saving!—just gives me more reason to stop this before it goes any further.
I take another step away, creating distance between us and pouring a metaphorical bucket of water on the situation. Neither of us looks happy about it, but it’s the reality we’re in. We’ve changed. Moved on.
“We can’t do this.”
“Do what?” Darius asks. “Love you? Be here for you?” He takes a cautious step towards me, wrapping his arms back around my waist when I don’t run away, and drawing me into hisembrace once again. I shouldn’t, but I melt into the familiarity as he holds me close. “It’s not a choice, Al... You are a part of me. You always will be.”
My lower lip trembles as I stare up at him. I hated him for so long. Despised the thought of him for months after. But even now, as I stand here before him, I know it was all a lie. A farce my heart concocted to keep me sane and protect my dying soul. I love this man more than words could possibly describe. But, despite the feelings now revealing themselves, I moved on. Found three fierce men who love and respect me, who would do anything for me. Who, now, need me to be there... for them.
I look up at him with tears coating my lashes, the truth of the matter hitting us both. “But I lovethem....”
He sighs, a dark shadow lingering over him as he smiles sadly, drawing a hand up to my face to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. With a soft nod of resignation, he whispers, “I know.” His eyes dart between mine, love, hope, regret, and, finally, acceptance shining through. “And it’s ok. Regardless of what happens after today, I’ll never stop loving you. I just wanted to do that one last time before I lose you for good.”
Pressing my hands to his chest, I say, “I’m sorry.” I know he doesn’t want to hear it, but it’s true. I am sorry. I’m sorry he left. I’m sorry for everything that happened. And I’m sorry that even though the time is finally right for him, it isn’t right for me. For us.
His hands cover mine, fingers tightening as if he never intends to let me go, even though we both know the truth. “You don’t ever have to be sorry when it comes to me, Alessandra. You’ve never done anything wrong.” His shoulders slump slightly, jaw tightening as he leans in and lightly kisses my forehead, his lips lingering to stretch out the moment, even forjust another second. It’s almost like he’s saying goodbye again, and it makes me want to cry for what we could have had even though we both know it isn’t possible. “You have no idea how sorry I am for what I’ve done. How I wish I could turn back time and show you how much you mean to me. How much you’ve always meant to me. How much I want you right now.” He shakes his head against mine, his lips pressing another kiss against my skin before slowly drifting away. “But, I understand, it’s not my time.”
His hand brushes down my back, savoring the time we have left like he knows it’s the last we’ll ever get. “I don’t like admitting to coming in second place, but it is what it is. And after everything, I am happy you found them. Three guys might seem like a bit much...,” he smiles, his eyebrows lifting knowingly. “But they sound exactly like what you need.”
“Darius,” I barely get his name past my lips, emotions overflowing at his declaration and our impending departure.
When he sees the tears building in my eyes, he moves in even closer, pressing our foreheads together and surely witnessing the love in my heart and apprehension in my eyes. “Don’t, Alessandra. It’s ok. Just know that I will always do what I can if it means providing a better life for you. And if that means your future is without me, then so be it. But, after learning from the past, I can admit my faults and say that I love you too much to not at least try to be a part of it this time.”
