Page 56 of Guarded Hearts
Even if, by some miracle, he loved me, our work situations complicated our relationship, maybe made it impossible to pursue. We might stumble at the first hurdle. But if I never told him, never made myself vulnerable, I’d never know. I needed to be sure. I’d never move past him unless I was sure there was no hope.
I sank into the chair behind the desk, paper and pen in hand. Gathering my thoughts, I began to write.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Pasha
The night had been filled with bittersweet moments. I’d gotten to walk Mia down the aisle, had seen Victoria run toward her mother, their faces filled with joy. Tyler had wiped away his tears at the sight of them together.
We’d come a long way from Mia sitting beside me in the car outside Tyler’s shop in Little Falls. I liked that town, might even settle there someday. And I wondered whether Alyssa would like Little Falls the same way I did.
We’d hardly had a minute together, even with Gerald taking point on most of the security concerns. I’d expected to be busy, but the lack of free time only emphasized the ticking clock.
The first flight off the island was at seven tomorrow morning, and Alyssa would be on it. She’d fly out of my life, maybe forever.
With wedding preparations and fixing security issues the last two weeks, we hadn’t had many opportunities to dwell on her leaving, about our relationship coming to an end. Staying together seemed too complex with the schedules each of us would have. I couldn’t leave my job with Mia or I’d be sent back to Russia. Alyssa needed her job to pay off the restof her debt and make her mortgage payments. Phone calls, text messages, and video chats. Would those be enough?
My life in Russia had been so blended with Zoya and her family and friends, and I’d known we fit. There’d been no question in my mind. I’d never met any of Alyssa’s family, none of her friends. If I wasn’t sure we’d work, wouldn’t I be holding her back from finding someone else?
Even thinking those words was enough to make my stomach turn.Someone else. I didn’t want anyone else, and I didn’t want her to want anyone else either. The distance between us would only grow once she left the island. In the short time we’d had together, I wasn’t sure if we built a foundation solid enough to overcome a lengthy separation. My thoughts scattered every time I tried to work out the best solution.
“You ready?” Mia wrapped her hands around my bicep. “You seem tense.”
I sipped my drink and searched for Alyssa in the crowd. My dance with Mia was next, and I should be thinking about the steps, going over the handholds. A shot of nerves zipped through me.
But all I could think about was the number of hours I had left with Alyssa—fewer than twelve—the hole she’d leave behind in my life, in my heart.
“I’m ready.” At least for the dance. The steps were lodged in my subconscious. Sometimes I dreamed of the routine. Of course, my partner in those dreams wasn’t Mia. It was Alyssa, and the dance quickly turned into… something else entirely.
I grew hard at the memory and wished I could tug on the front of my pants without anyone noticing. Too many eyes were on Mia and therefore me.
Think of something else.
“You’re going to miss her? Are you two trying the long-distance thing?”
I glanced down. Mia must have followed my gaze because she was focused on Alyssa across the room, where I’d been looking just a moment ago. “I don’t know how that would work.”
“Have you asked her?”
“I don’t want to hold her back from the things she wants.”
“What if one of the things she wants is you?”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure a relationship would work.”
“Why not?”
“It’s complicated.” More complicated because I couldn’t get my thoughts organized in a straight line. A plus B didn’t seem to equal C.
“We should talk tomorrow, okay? I want you to be happy.” She patted my arm.
A hint of a smile touched my lips. Tyler was surprising her with a honeymoon in the morning, so I doubted we’d have much of a chance for a discussion. “Yes, tomorrow.”
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Grady Castillo, Tyler’s brother-in-law, said over the announcement system. “We’ve already had the first dance, the mother-son dance, and now we’ve got a special treat. Instead of the traditional father-daughter dance, Mia has asked one of her very best friends to help her showcase Alyssa Miller’s exceptional dance choreography. So, if you’d like to turn your attention to the dance floor, I’ve heard you won’t regret it.”
With a sly smile, Mia stepped out in the middle of the room, and the crowd cleared away. Nerves rendered me stiff, unsure on the sidelines. As though Alyssa had spoken my name, I sought her face in the crowd. She was on the edge of the circle, her hands clasped over her heart, andthere was so much confidence and certainty in her face, as though she had complete faith in me, and my nerves loosened. I removed my jacket, tossed it over a chair, rolled up my shirt sleeves, released the breath I’d been holding, and followed Mia onto the floor.
We stood poised in the middle of the expansive ballroom, facing the sea of people, some I recognized, many I did not. My heart drummed, anticipation and fear causing a sweat to break out under my armpits.
