Page 4 of An Unexpected Ascension
I wrack my brain, trying to remember all the religious aspects of my life. We didn’t heavily worship. It was mostly to appease my grandmother who was more suited for Heaven. I wonder if I’ll see her.
“I was baptized, then went on to have my first communion and then my confirmation. When I was probably ten, I sang with our church’s choir. Obviously, every holiday, we started with a service before celebrating. You know – that kind of devotion.”
“How many times have you made a confession?”
“I don’t remember,” I answer.
Honestly, I may have confessed once or twice when I was younger after lying to my mom about something as silly as completing my homework when it wasn’t done. After that? Jeez, I can’t say that I have.
“Okay, then when was the last time?”
“Hmmm...” I tap my chin with my finger.
Losing patience, she answers for me, “Eight. Right after your first communion.”
My jaw drops, like the screws holding it together have fallen out.
“How do you know that?”
“We have everything on record.”
“Then why bother asking me all these questions?”
“To see if you can take accountability for your actions during the period in which you were alive.”
Great, this is so much fun.
“What are your greatest sins?”
“Oh! Um... I mean, I’ve lied a few times?—”
“2,487 times.”
Oh boy.
“Does that include, like, omission?”
“No.”
“Okay. I’ve had premarital sex,” I offer, knowing that’s a big one.
“97 times with 3 different partners.”
“Two of those were committed relationships.” I mention as if it excuses the fact that it’s still a sin.
“Drunkenness, pride, arrogance,” she rambles on.
“Okay, so I’m not perfect. Who is?”
“The 250 Saints that have devoted their life to carrying out God’s will.”
“I wasn’t really asking,” I grumble. “Am I failing? Should I just give up now?”
“Failing? There is no failing. Heaven is a choice. If you wish tolive out your eternity with God and his followers, then all you need to do is repent for your sins. Ask for forgiveness and it shall be given.”
“What if I said I thought God was female?” I test.
Her facial features fall flat, staring at me with unamused eyes.
