Page 24 of Code Love
Jade took her by the shoulders and pulled her up onto the bed next to her, smiling softly. She started to say something, but Lillian kissed her to keep her quiet. She could taste herself on Jade’s lips and it sent another wave of heat through her. She kissed Jade again, pressing a hand to her cheek. Her eyes grew heavy, and she didn’t want to ruin this moment with words, with talking. That would mean that she had to admit what she was feeling, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for that. She wasn’t sure if she ever would be.
Lillian was willing to admit that Jade was amazing, even in all the ways that she drove Lillian crazy, but could this be real? Could this be more than just excitement-driven lust? It was too much for Lillian to think about at the moment. She just wanted to lay there in Jade’s arms for a while. She didn’t want to think about the future, or the possibilities. She just wanted this feeling to last, this feeling of safety, of security. This feeling that she was next to the one person who believed in her more than she even believed in herself.
Jade stroked her hair as Lillian’s eyes began to close. Slowly, she drifted off to sleep.
10
Jade
As Lillian’s breaths lengthened, Jade found herself torn. She wanted to talk to her, but she was afraid of the icy cold that Lillian was prone to when her feelings became too real. She didn’t want to just be some lust-driven excitement that lasted while emotions ran high. She wanted something real. As much as she was enjoying this physical relationship, she knew that it would hurt her more in the end if Lillian couldn’t decide to commit to a real one. The urge to run almost overwhelmed her. She should leave now, not give Lillian the chance to wake up and decide this was all a mistake again.
Her own eyes were heavy, though, and the bed was warm and comfortable. She started to shift herself from underneath Lillian’s arm, but Lillian pulled her closer and her chest swelled. She could enjoy a few more moments before it all came crashing down. She snuggled closer to Lillian and drifted into a light doze.
A few minutes later, she felt Lillian shift and begin to pull away from her. Her heart sank as she realized that this was probably the end, but she couldn’t take any more of the back andforth. It wasn’t fair to her, and honestly it wasn’t fair to Lillian either.
Jade slipped out from under Lillian’s arm and Lillian sat up looking around. Jade met her eyes only briefly before Lillian looked away again.Here it comes,Jade thought to herself before she stood up and started pulling her clothes back on. Lillian did the same from her bed. Jade tried to meet her eyes, but Lillian avoided it. The silence was palpable. Jade’s heart began to thunder in her chest.
“What are we doing, Lillian?” Jade finally asked, surprised at how even her voice was.
“I don’t… I don’t know,” Lillian practically whispered as she pulled her dress over her head. Jade’s chest constricted at the non-answer.
“What do you want from this?” Jade asked, finally turning to look at Lillian. Her eyes were watery in the dim light, but Jade couldn’t take it any longer.
“I…” Lillian tried to speak, but nothing came out. Jade waited, trying to let her get her thoughts together, but the silence just stretched on.
“I can’t keep doing this,” Jade finally said and stood up turning toward the door. Lillian’s brows furrowed, and Jade’s heart fluttered in her chest. A large part of her wanted to just throw herself at Lillian, take whatever she was willing to give, even if it was superficial, but she knew that would never be enough. She couldn’t be in another relationship where she was the only one who wanted it.
“I don’t understand,” Lillian said, scooting to the edge of the bed and hanging her legs over.
“This hot and cold, this indecisiveness,” Jade pulled in a breath. “Lillian, I like you, I like you a lot, but I need to know if what we have here is real or not.”
“Jade, I don’t know how to answer that right now,” Lillian said. Jade’s heart skipped a beat at Lillian’s use of her given name, but it was not enough.
“I like you, Lillian. I want you. I want to be more than just friends, more than colleagues, and definitely more than stolen moments of lust,” Jade said sitting down on the bed next to Lillian. She touched her cheek and pressed her lips gently to Lillian’s. “Can you tell me that’s what you want?”
“I don’t… I just don’t know,” Lillian said, tears sparkling in the corners of her eyes.
Jade’s heart sank through the floor, those words delivering a crushing blow. Jade clenched her jaw, choosing her words carefully out of fear that she would say something she regretted. “Well, when you do know, you know where to find me.” She pressed her lips to Lillian’s again, fighting the urge to beg her, to plead with her to give them a chance.
Instead, Jade stood up and left, closing the door behind her. She swiped at the tears forming in the corners of her eyes, but she held her head high as she left Lillian’s office. She would not wait around for Lillian to decide whether or not Jade was worth the time or investment. She would not sit back and be used for something if it didn’t mean anything more than that. She wanted something real, and she wanted it with Lillian, but she wouldn’t be struggling to figure it out anymore, trying to guess what Lillian meant with each word, each gesture. If Lillian wanted to be with her, then Lillian would have to come toher. It was now in Lillian’s hands, and no matter how hard it was, Jade would have to accept that and give Lillian the space she needed to figure it out. Even more, she would have to respect whatever decision Lillian made.
She headed down the hallway. She would check in on her patients one more time, but then she was headed home. She had been at the hospital for almost sixty straight hours now, andshe was ready for her own bed. The thought actually surprised her. Generally, she was almost more comfortable in the hospital, where she could control what was going on and be the first to know what was happening. Of course, her mattress at home was more comfortable, but she found that she spent more time worrying about what was going on at the hospital when she was home than she did when she was at work.
She glanced out the plate glass window at the end of the hallway, the sky was still dark, but it was calm. The evening was coming on quickly and she was ready for a break.
She checked in with the nurses first, letting them know that she was headed home, and let the other doctors know that she was checking out. Most of the ones who had worked through the hurricane had already headed home, their shifts taken over by fresh faces. Then she stopped in each of the patients' rooms.
Her heart leaped when she went into Elizabeth Rourke’s room. The woman was awake and sitting up in the bed, eating soft food. Her eyes were bright and Jade came close to laughing.
“It’s good to see you awake,” Jade said. Her spirits immediately lifted at the sight of her old friend and mentor.
“I heard it was you and Doctor Holder’s sharp eyes and hands I have to thank for that,” the woman said around a mouthful of Jello. The bandage around her head did nothing to dull the woman’s bright eyes. She was shorter than Jade and carried a bit of weight around the hips and stomach, but even in the relatively humble setting of the hospital bed, no one would mistake her for anything less than formidable. Everyone in the hospital knew who Elizabeth Rourke was, if only by name. Jade could feel the deference that the rest of the staff gave her, even as they passed by the room. Quick glances and whispers were directed her way as they acknowledged the legend herself.
“Well, Doctor Holder is the one that saved your life,” Jade said with a smile. She tried to keep the pain from her face at the mention of Lillian’s name.
“She wouldn’t have known what to do without you,” Elizabeth chided.
“Intuition,” Jade said with a wave of her hand.
