Page 18 of Code Love
Lillian studied the board, contemplating back and forth for a while. She felt that Stephanie was stable enough for the final surgery, but that meant that she would need to check with Jade, since they were both assigned to her care. Part of her wanted to wait, telling herself it would likely only benefit Stephanie to put it off, but Lillian immediately regretted the thought. She would not let her mistakes, no matter how passionate or intense, alter her care for a patient. Steeling her nerves, she paged Jade to her office.
Pacing, Lillian considered all that she wanted to say to Jade. All that she should say to her, but nothing felt right. She checked her reflection in the mirror once again, noting the circles underneath her eyes from lack of sleep. Perhaps she needed to put off facing Jade until she had some rest and her mind righted. She shook her head. This job did not allow for relaxation—or rest for that matter. There would never be a “right” time. There was only now, but Lillian had no idea what to say to her, or even if she should. Finally opting to sit, Lillian was behind her desk when Jade came through the door. She fought to keep her expression blank, but it felt like fire was coursing through her at the sight of Jade’s dark eyes boring through her.
“You paged me,Doctor Holder,” Jade said, emphasizing Lillian’s name. Her voice was saccharine sweet, and Lillian couldn’t decide if it was teasing or hostility.
“Yes,” Lillian answered, and it felt as though her stomach had dropped through the floor. “I wanted to talk to you about Stephanie; I think she’s ready to close the craniectomy.”
Jade pressed her lips together and nodded slightly. “I agree,” she said and lifted her chin. “Was that all?” Jade’s lips were tight, but Lillian could see the anticipation in her eyes, and Lillian’s chest constricted all over again.
“Yes,” Lillian said, keeping her tone short, a clear dismissal. She turned to her computer and started typing in the orders to prep Stephanie.
“Are you sure?” Jade’s eyes flashed with something Lillian couldn’t recognize. Disappointment, maybe, or resignation.
Lillian opened her mouth but closed it again.
“You really think you’re just going to be able to pretend nothing happened? We need to talk about this,” Jade said, her eyes narrowing.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” Lillian said, forcing herself to meet Jade’s eyes. “We were exhausted and storm-addled, our frustrations bubbled over and we acted on it.” Lillian’s voice shook, but she pushed the words out anyway. “It was a mistake.”
Jade’s eyebrows lifted. “A mistake?” The hurt was plain on her face.
“Yes,” Lillian said. Ignoring her twisting stomach, she turned back to the computer, hopefully sending Jade a clear signal that they were done talking about it.
Jade hesitated, her mouth open as though she wanted to say something else, but she didn’t. Instead, she turned and left the office, shutting the door with just a touch more weight than strictly necessary. Lillian took a deep breath and put her face in her hands. Why did this seem so hard? It was just a mistake, nothing more; they should be able to move past it like it never happened. So why was she having such a hard time putting it out of her mind?
The image of Jade’s naked body pressed against the window filled her mind, and her body flooded with heat. She sucked in a gasp as desire coursed through her again. Wet heat poured from her center, and she forced herself to cross her legs. The passion, the searing heat from each touch, everywhere Jade’s fingers touched, her lips, the gasps of pleasure. Lillian squeezed her legs together, trying to curb the desire, but only making itcoil tighter. Unable to resist, she slipped her hand between her thighs, pushing up the hem of her skirt. She could feel how wet she was over her panties. She pushed them to the side and stroked her clit as she imagined holding Jade against the glass. She closed her eyes and let the image flood through her slipping a finger inside herself. She held her breath and bit her lip to keep from moaning as she fingered herself to the memory.
The orgasm washed over her, release clenching her fingers as she pumped them deep inside, and once the waves subsided, she looked around, heat burning her cheeks. She was alone, of course, but she had never done anything like this before. A terrifying thought entered her mind—maybe her feelings for Jade went deeper than just storm-fueled lust. Maybe there was something real deep within her. She shook her head. No, it was not possible; a relationship between her and Jade would be doomed and everything she worked for would be in jeopardy. She could not allow that to happen.
Lillian got up from her desk and went into her private bathroom to clean herself up. She changed out of her damp underwear, thankfully she kept a few spare changes of clothes at the hospital, and washed her hands, tamping down any more rogue thoughts of Jade and theirincident. She would just have to forget about it. Jade was her colleague, a fellow doctor, nothing more.
She went back to her desk and finished typing up the orders for Stephanie’s surgery. Tamping down the urge to call Jade back into her office, she repeated to herself that she didn’t need to see her, to speak to her. She even tried to convince herself that she didn’t want to. There was no choice, and she needed to focus on the task at hand.
Lillian had always prided herself on her professional detachment, and she hated to admit how much she was invested in Stephanie’s recovery. The thought of having to explain toJasmine that her mother had died, or Hannah for that matter, was more than Lillian could handle. Especially knowing that Hannah was still sedated as well. Lillian wondered where Jasmine was at the moment, probably with the social worker, but Lillian could only imagine how terrified Jasmine was right now. That poor little girl. Lillian shook her head. She had to make sure Stephanie survived the surgery, and that meant no distractions.
Lillian headed down to the operating room and began to scrub. She had chosen the room with a viewing deck so that the interns could watch the surgery, both in person through the glass and on a large viewing screen in the room. The acrid smell of the soap grounded her, the familiar sights and sounds of the OR comforted her. This was home for her. She smiled at the thought, the same thought that entered her mind every time she operated. This was her home, and she would do everything in her power to protect it. This operation was simple enough, for a neurosurgeon anyway, but she did not allow herself to relax. The surgery didn’t matter, anything from an appendectomy to the most complicated of brain tumors required laser focus. Not that she’d performed an appendectomy in years.
Still, she was flawless. No complications, no problems. Stephanie’s vital signs didn’t even waver. Thankfully, the mask hid the smile for the most part, lest one of the interns find her arrogant. She glanced up at the window, but her heart froze when she saw Jade’s dark eyes staring down at her. She looked almost regal, her shoulders square and her chin lifted, the lines of her face were prominent from Lillian’s perspective. A slight smile curled the edges of Jade’s lips, almost like pride. Warmth spread through Lillian at the thought. Their eyes locked and Lillian shoved the feeling aside. Somehow, Jade seemed to notice the change; the pain was clear on her face for only a half-second before she turned and stepped away from thewindow. Lillian’s gut twisted, but she pushed it down, refusing to acknowledge the discomfort.
Lillian sucked in a deep breath before turning toward the door. She pulled off her gown and mask, tossing them into the laundry, and took her leave of the operating room as the technicians prepared to move Stephanie back into recovery.
She was surprised to find Jade waiting in the scrub station, lounging against the wall with a slight smirk. Heat flooded through Lillian’s cheeks when she remembered how the thought of Jade had overtaken her in her office earlier.
“Nice work,Doctor Holder,” Jade said, tilting her head. The way Jade emphasized her name was like ice on her skin. For the first time, Lillian almost wished Jade would go back to using her given name.
“Thank you,” Lillian answered, hoping Jade couldn’t see how her hands trembled as she scrubbed them. She doubted it, though, as she saw Jade’s eyes dart to them before coming back to rest on her face.
“Any complications?” Jade asked. Lillian took a breath, at least that meant Jade had not been in there the whole time. That or she was actually trying to make small talk, which was strange enough on its own.
“None,” Lillian said, injecting confidence into her voice. She finished scrubbing her hands and grabbed a towel from the rack. She turned to Jade as she dried them.
“Anything we should watch out for?” Jade asked, but the spark in her eyes belied the seemingly innocent question.
“Nothing unusual, we just need to keep a close eye on her vitals. Notify me if there are any changes,” Lillian said and tossed the towel in the bin. This was what she wanted, she reminded herself. They needed to maintain their professional decorum, nothing more.
Jade nodded. She looked as though she wanted to say something else, but decided against it. Lillian tried to convince herself that she felt relieved. Jade opened the door and gestured for Lillian to walk through.
Lillian lifted her chin, her expression almost comical in her attempt to maintain that sense of decorum, but she walked past Jade without stopping. She kept her pace to the end of the hallway and turned toward her office. Her heart sank slightly when Jade turned the opposite direction.
