Page 15 of Code Love
“That’s not how this works,” Jade said, irritation flashing across her face.
“You’re the expert,” Lillian half muttered and turned her attention back to her lap.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jade asked, heat flashing though her.
“You always act on impulse, or to use your word,intuition,” Lillian snapped and stood up from her chair. She walked over to stand in front of Jade, though she kept her at arm’s length.
Jade noticed.That’s what I wanted, right? Why is it bothering me so much?”
“You don’t know nearly as much as you think you do,” Jade snapped and flung her soiled napkins into the trash. “Myintuitioncomes from years of study, years of paying attention and noticing the small things that others don’t.”
“Call it what you want, but you fly by the seat of your pants more often than you research,” Lillian countered.
Jade tilted her head, her clenched teeth made her next words come out in almost a growl. “Arrogance will cause you a lot of problems,Lillian. You shouldn’t make assumptions like that if you can’t back them up.”
“What do you want from me?” Lillian asked, catching Jade off guard.
“I want you to be real,” Jade said and took a step closer to Lillian. “I want to know what you are thinking, howyouare feeling, not what the book tells you or where you are in your schedule. I want to get to know you, not justDoctor Holder.”
“Why?” Lillian asked, her voice going soft.
“I…” Jade stumbled. She wasn’t sure how to answer the question.
“Doctor Holder is me,” Lillian countered. “I have spent my entire life fighting to become Doctor Holder, and I’m proud of that.”
“I know,” Jade said. “And you should be.”
“Then what else do you need from me?” Lillian asked.
“Honestly, nothing,” Jade said, and her shoulders sagged. She really was tired. “For us to be colleagues, for us to run this hospital to the best it can be. I don’tneedanything else from you, but I want it.”
“You know my history,” Lillian said, her eyes flashing. “You know where I came from and what I’ve endured. I don’t want any of that anymore. I just want to be Doctor Holder. Someone who can help people, someone who can fix people and give them their lives back.”
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Jade said. “You are the most amazing doctor I’ve ever worked with, or under, or even around. Forgive me for wanting to know even more of you. Tell me that your title isn’t a shield.”
Lillian opened and closed her mouth a couple of times. She wanted to argue, but she couldn’t.
“Your charts, your schedules, your constant research and drive to be the best you can possibly be, it’s awe inspiring,” Jade shook her head. “I mean that, but what’s underneath all that? You are an excellent surgeon, valedictorian, a devoted daughter?—”
Lillian scoffed and it caught Jade off guard.
“What?”
“There you go making the assumptions you warned me about,” Lillian said, and her shoulders sagged.
“Tell me I’m wrong,” Jade said.
“I was the only person my mother could recognize at the end of her life,” Lillian said, her face flooded with pain. “And I went to medical school instead of staying with her. You know what drives me, Jade? Guilt, guilt drives me. If I’m not the best at what I do, if I’m not in control, then what did I do that for?”
Jade pressed her lips together. She wanted to reach out and comfort Lillian. Her heart twisted in her chest. She couldn’t begin to imagine what her life had been like, or what she carried from it. She wanted to console her, tell her she made the right choice, but it wouldn’t mean much coming from Jade.
“Devoted daughter,” Lillian scoffed again. “You know what I felt when the home called me to let me know she had died?”
Jade’s throat tightened with emotion; she knew what was coming next.
“Relief.” Tears slipped from Lillian’s eyes. “I was relieved that she was gone. I was relieved that I no longer had to take care of her. What kind of ‘devoted daughter’ feels that way?”
“You were relieved that she was no longer suffering,” Jade countered softly and took another step toward Lillian, who didn’t try to move away. “That’s not selfish.”
