Page 22 of The Fix
Rex stood and poured himself a Dixie cup of water from the filtered tank next to the bulletin board. He perused the forms relating to the grocery store employees, attempting to regain his equilibrium before he returned to his register.
His eyes moved down the board, and he drained his cup as his gaze caught on an ad half obscured by an informational flyer. Rex tossed his cup in the garbage to his right and moved the flyer aside so he could better see the ad.Be All You Can Be.
Rex let out a small grunt. He’d tried that route. Now maybe it was time to be whatever the fuck hecouldbe, which was why he was here, biding time in what felt like a liminal space.
He turned to head for the door, but something stopped him, and he pivoted back and tore the ad off the board. He folded it and stuffed it in his pocket and then went back to work.
Chapter Thirteen
“One more push, honey, and the baby will be here,” the nurse said.
“I can’t. I can’t,” Cami groaned, moving her head from side to side on the pillow, her fingers scraping over the sheet beneath her. She’d been in labor for two days now and pushing for three hours. She couldn’t do it anymore. She’d hit her wall.
She was numb, but somehow she still ached everywhere. She was so exhausted she felt insane with it, and her entire body was shaking. And worse than all that, she felt alone and terrified, the fear compounding the grief that she believed would now be a constant. An agonizing weight that she’d carry forever.Mom, I wish you were here. I need you. I can’t do this.
“You can do it, sweetheart. This is it. Think of something or someone to give this next push to, and then lean into it with all your might.”
Give this next push to something or someone?What was this woman talking about? Cami gritted her teeth and tried desperately not to cry. And suddenly something skated through her scattered mind. She remembered how she’d signed up to run a half-marathon with some girls from the cheerleading squad once. The organizers had offered some motivational tips, and one was to dedicate each mile to someone so that when you felt like you were hitting a wall, you could pull forth strength based on your love or respect for that person.
“Okay,” the nurse said, “here it comes. Hold your knees, Cami, and lean forward.”
Cami grasped her knees and curled forward, using the very last of her strength to bear down.
This is for you—Mom and Elle. I miss you so much. I would do anything to have you back.
She screamed into the push, fighting through the agony and the despair, picturing her mother’s beautiful smile and the way Elle covered her mouth when she laughed, shy about her braces.I love you. I love you so much.
And suddenly the pressure ceased, and Cami’s scream was joined by another one. She collapsed back onto the pillow and, for a moment, sobbed along with the baby.
“It’s a boy,” the nurse said softly. Cami watched blearily as they weighed the baby and then brought him over to a prepared bed under a light. Her cries turned into soft hiccups, and he stopped crying too. A nurse attended to her while another one wiped the baby off and then put drops in his eyes and measured his length. Then the tiny boy turned his head, and he and Cami looked at each other from across the space. Cami saw that he had her eye shape and possibly her nose as well. She didn’t see Hollis in him, but then again, she’d tried to forget what Hollis looked like.
“The family is down the hall,” the nurse said gently as she wrapped the baby in a blanket and slipped a hat over his bald head. “Would you like to say goodbye to him? You can have as long as you’d like.”
She hadn’t planned to. She’d planned to have them take the baby away immediately. But now ... he was right there, and she’dmadehim. A tiny human. A blank slate. How had her body achieved such a thing when her heart and mind were shattered?
Plus, she’d just been thinking about her mother and her sister, and they still felt close to her somehow, and she knew, sheknew, that if they were there, they’d want to see him too. “Yes, I’d like to hold him,” she said. “Just for a minute.”
The nurse nodded, worry etched on her features. “I’ll go tell the family that you need some time.”
She placed him in Cami’s arms, and she gazed down at him. He was perfect—the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. He did have her eyes and her nose, and when he puckered his mouth, she saw that he had a tiny dimple under his lip like Dad and Elle. “Oh,” she breathed. “You are perfect.”
A soft knock at the door startled her slightly, and she looked up. “Come in.”
It opened a crack, and her dad peered around the edge. “The nurse said—”
“Hi, Dad,” she said.
Her dad came in slowly, his limp barely noticeable now, and sat down next to her bed. “A boy,” he said. “And he’s healthy?”
She nodded and then moved her gaze back to the baby, whose eyelids were fluttering closed. He was warm and safe in her arms, and the love that washed over and through her was fierce and unexpected. A tear slipped down her cheek, and she raised her eyes to her father’s.
“Cami,” he said, his voice gritty. “I know how hard this is. I know what you’re feeling right now because I felt it for you and for your sister. And I know your mom felt it even more strongly than I did. But honey, your future ... and his future ...”
“I know, Dad,” she said, her voice a broken whisper. She’d made the decision to give him up for adoption because it was the most loving thing to do for him, and the choice that would mean she could begin to rebuild her life and create a future for herself. The alternative was to be a single mother who didn’t even have a high school diploma.
Hollis had written her off completely, as had his family. She’d seen his mother in passing outside a local coffee shop recently, and she’d looked at her in horrified disgust before practically running off. They’d convinced themselves the baby she was carrying belonged to one of the men who’d victimized her, and at first, she’d planned to prove them wrong with a paternity test, but then ... what did it matter? She choseadoption, picked a lovely-looking couple from a video at the agency, and signed the paperwork.
Because what if her pregnancyhadbeen the result of being raped? The Barclays treated her like it was her fault. Like she was tainted because of what had happened to her. Hollis had left for Princeton and hadn’t even said goodbye.
