The beauty in that—that Leah hadn’t been cursed to die because Rahil had killed her, but that she’d been blessed to have her death include Rahil instead of another vampire—lessened some of the pain. It was beginning, finally, to sink in that he hadknownLeah, if only for a very short time. He’d seen all the traits that Mercer had listed in her. Perhaps that meant that even when he didn’t see them in himself, he could trust that others could.
That hecouldbe good for the people around him.
The thought felt brittle still, like one defiant refusal from his heart would shatter it. Before that could happen, he closed his eyes and let the fear out.
“I’ve always assumed that it was my fault: Leah, Jonah, Matt, Shefali. If I hadn’t pushed Jonah to get help, if I had been better at showing Matt the danger in the lies he was believing, if I had been there more for Shefali when she was trying to quit smoking, and Leah…”
Mercer stiffened a little at his late wife’s name, but then he seemed to break through the emotion. He let his ice-baggy fall to the side to wrap one arm around Rahil. His fingers trailed up and down Rahil’s arm, leaving fresh lines of backyard soil across Rahil’s already dirt-streaked white top.
It was perfect.
Perfect, and soft, and exactly the stability he needed in order to finallyhearMercer as he said: “There’s only so much we can do. We try with our best intentions, and that isn’t always enough. That’s on life. Sometimes the people we love hurt, and sometimes they hurt themselves and we—we can only do so much to take that pain away.”
Rahil forced himself not to shut down, shut out, shut off.
Mercer continued, weak but solid all at once. “I—I’ve had to learn this too, from Lydia, and from you.Youclearly already know it, when it applies to other people.” Mercer slid his fingers around Rahil’s chin, and Rahil let his face be lifted, let his heart be open and his pain settle into the cracks, leaving room for something more. “You are too hard on yourself, Rahil,” Mercer whispered, and kissed him.
Rahil succumbed to the kiss like a vampire to the night, parting his lips, letting Mercer in. Maybe hewastoo hard on himself, if this was softness; if this was forgiveness. Because this wasgood. He let himself have it, first because Mercer wanted it, but then because he didtoo. It caught in his throat and burned in the back of his jaw, and yet he kissed back, tugging Mercer’s lips between his teeth and pressing a little dose of venom into the soft skin there. He was rewarded with a moan.
Mercer’s breath trembled as he let his mouth just rest against Rahil’s, their noses touching, tight brows wrinkled into one.
Rahil whispered, “If I have to be kinder to myself, then so do you. You’ve done so much to try to make the best life for Lydia…”
Mercer sucked in a breath like a sob, pressing his face against Rahil’s. “I won’t do less. I can’t.”
“I know.” Rahil ran a hand over his lover’s curls, grasping the back of his head gently. “But you can be kind to yourself when the things you do don’t always work.” Something wet and rough rose behind his lungs. “I tried my best, with Jonah and Matt, I tried—” The release bubbled forth with a dark thought, one he’d always kept buried beneath the weight of his guilt; it felt like betraying them. Like weakness. But he asked it anyway, soft and tight and pleading. “What else was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do, Merc? Itried, and I still lost them.”
Mercer just held him for a moment, and Rahil could almost hear the spin of his thoughts, not on Jonah or Matt, but on Lydia. On a living kid, who still had years, decades, for life to snuff her out. Mercer’s chest rose and fell in a deep, trembling breath, before he said, “Maybe there was something that could have saved them, or maybe there wasn’t, but you couldn’t have known. We don’t get to go back. We don’t get to try again. We forgive ourselves and we move forward, and we… we listen. We learn. You listened to Lydia. You savedherwhen I couldn’t.”
Savedher.
Rahil had done that, perhaps. And he didn’t think Mercer meant the device he’d hurled at Lydia, or the way he’d stumbled into the shed when William had her bound and gagged. He’d saved Lydia on the roof, staring up at the stars, and in the cemetery as she cried, and that might not have ultimately saved Jonah, nor Matt, but it had helped one lonely child feel a little less lonely for a moment, and that was a kind of salvation.
Hehadsaved her.
The thought caught like a bug in a web, tangling between his vocal cords, and for a time Rahil just leaned against Mercer, shaking softly as his emotions rose and then settled again. Mercer rubbed his back, and Rahil could see the same flux of grief and joy pulsing through him beneath the stoic exterior. It felt far more alive than his fear. And far more at peace.
Rahil sighed into Mercer’s neck, letting that peace become his own. The floor creaked as he shifted his legs back into Mercer’s lap. His gaze traveled slowly around the dusky room, empty and decrepit. He’d been so ashamed to share this place with Mercer, but now that his lover was here, it felt no less natural than being with him in the shed, or in his bedroom, or on the boardwalk. His presence gave the home a new life. A new future.
Mercer seemed to be taking in their surroundings too, and Rahil broke the silence with a nudge to his side. “Was this what you were expecting?”
“Not exactly.” Mercer looked embarrassed as he admitted it. “But it is beautiful, in its own way.”
“Like me,” Rahil teased, “Worn and well-used but still able to fit oh-so-much inside.” He winked.
Mercer stared at him so sternly that it was all Rahil could do not to burst out laughing, but when the fae slid a hand up Rahil’s thigh and squeezed, the chuckle turned to a whimper. “I’ll be testing that, I assure you. You’ll be far more worn than this house when I finish.”
“So, you’re the one finishing, then?” Rahil smirked. “Noted.”
That seemed to break Mercer. His stoic expression cracked, and he shoved Rahil’s legs off his lap, shouting, “Get out.”
Rahil laughed. He rolled away from Mercer only to be caught from behind and pulled entirely into his lap. Merc’s legs wrapped around him, his arms bound beneath thick, hairy warmth, and he basked in the little array of kisses Mercer gave to the back of his neck before finally wiggling lightly. “All right, all right, it’s too hot for this.”
With a grumble, Mercer let him go.
Rahil barely scooted forward, tipping his head back to still lean on Mercer, with just enough space between them so the sweat forming along his lower back could dry.
Mercer tugged at the loose pieces of Rahil’s hair. “May I fix this?”
