Page 10 of Free Heart
My tongue seeks out the sharp edges. Sejin mistakes the movement of my mouth as a request for water. He holds a cup with a straw for me to drink. It’s incredibly welcome, and I take several long gulps. The sensation is cool and relieving.
“You look a lot worse than you are, they tell me,” Sejin goes on, putting the water cup aside. “Your face is bruised up and your body is too. You’ve got a catheter in, so you don’t have to worry about getting to the bathroom for now. How do you feel?”
“Terrible,” I get out, and I’m relieved my mouth is working now. “Like I’m made of crumpled cardboard.”
“You’re made of flesh and bone, and that’s fragile enough,” Sejin murmurs.
I remember he’d said something similar to me once before.
Speaking of looking awful, I’ve never seen Sejin look so ugly—all blotchy and weird, with a wobbly mouth and puffy eyes. I almost laugh because normally he’s the most beautiful man in the world. Except I can’t find real humor in it because I’m the reason he looks that way.
“I’m sorry,” I get out, and it takes more effort than anything that simple should.
Sejin’s eyes fill with tears, and he leans down to kiss my forehead. His lips leave a cool imprint behind. “I love you,” he whispers in my ear. “Just get better. Don’t worry about anything at all but getting better.”
Sejin’s expression says it’s gonna be a long road. I scan my body again. My leg. Shit. How bad is it? Awful, I think.
I also think I need surgery. Don’t I? I remember consenting to scans and treatment. I remember serious faces. I remember Rye saying something likegood thing you like a challenge.
Fuck.
“How long until I can train again?” I ask.
Sejin winces and pulls away. “Let’s focus on the present.”
What present? The one where I’m in a bed with no idea of what lies ahead? I don’t want to focus on that.Thatpresent sucks. Though I have some idea of the future if I strain for it. I think I remember talk of rods and pins for my leg.
Super fuck.
Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I’m alive, right? So, I’ll recover and come back better than ever.
I observe Sejin as I think. He holds my hand gently and tries to keep from crying. His lower lip wobbles and so does his chin.His eyes, which I love best when they’re hooded with lust or squinted up in a smile, are cast down, lids swollen. I can see how hard he’s working to keep himself together.
“What’s wrong? Am I going to lose my leg or something?” I ask. I’m halfway through imagining how climbing works with a prosthesis, if itcanwork with a prosthesis, when Sejin shakes his head.
“Unless it gets badly infected, it should be okay. There’s no sign of that right now, so…” He swallows. “The surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning first thing. They’re going to put in rods, pins, and a metal plate. They anticipate it’ll heal well… they hope.”
“So why are you so upset?”
Sejin laughs but it’s devoid of humor. “What do you mean? You nearly died.”
“But I didn’t.”
“But you could have.”
“That’s true every day.”
Sejin goes silent and passes a hand over his face, and then he slowly stands. “Don’t, Dan. Don’t make light of this. I stood there in that meadow for hours and thought you were dead.”
“You thought I was dead?”
“Or worse.”
“Worse would definitely suck.”
Sejin’s hands clench at his side. “Stop for just one second and think about howyouwould feel if you had to wait for hours to know ifIwas okay.” He stabs a finger into his own chest. “To know ifIwas going to live or die?”
I frown. I don’t want to think about that. I kind of feel like Ican’tthink about it. “You’re fine,” I point out.
