Page 21 of Free Heart
“Hey, I’ll be all right. I can figure it out on my own.”
“No, you can’t. Didn’t you hear him? You can’t putanyweight on your leg, Dan—not even a little—for at least two months.”
“Right. Well, I’ll stay in bed with a pee bottle. It’s fine.”
“No, you’ll need someone to stay with you. Fuck. I was hoping to have a day or two to figure this out, arrange somecaretakers, or something.” He huffs and scrubs a hand over his face. “I mean, Pete’s not being a jerk. He’s been great the last three days, letting me off the hook for all my shifts. But tomorrow he’s got his mom’s 80th birthday party, and Celli’s got a dentist appointment, and Ashley’s out of town, and Gage can’t do it all alone…fuck.”
I hate seeing him stressed. His most beautiful smile never comes over his face when he’s upset. I’d like to see it again sooner rather than later. “Doc, it’s gonna be okay. If I need help, I’ll ask Rye to stay with me during the day. It’s not like he has a real job.”
Sejin shakes his head. “He’s not supposed to stray far from the park for his volunteer position—”
“Calm down.” I say it with a firmness that gets his attention, and he looks up at me with wide eyes. “This isn’t your responsibility. I don’t need you to take care of me. I can handle it all myself. I don’t need you—or Rye, or Peggy Jo, or anyone for that matter—to take care of me.”
Sejin’s eyes narrow dangerously. “Youwillaccept my help, and Rye’s help, and anyone else’s help in this whole world, Dan. Do you understand me? It’s not you against the wall now.” He points his finger at me. “Not this time.”
Sejin walks out of the room with his hair streaming behind him.
I honestly don’t know why he’s so mad. I just wanted him to understand he doesn’t have to do all this, that he doesn’t have to worry about me.
I pick up my phone and call Rye. Maybe he can explain it.
*
Sejin
Leaning against thewall outside of Dan’s hospital room, I try to get myself together. I’m not usually so easy to piss off, but after everything I’ve been through in the last few days, seeing Dan try to make his recovery all about himself is infuriating.
Maybe he doesn’t get it yet because he’s been alone most of his life, but people love him. I love him. Peggy Jo loves him. Rye loves him. He doesn’t have to do this alone, and we won’tlethim do it alone.
Which makes me think of my dad and how we’ve pushed each other away since Mom died. I think of all the times I’ve told Leenie that Dad and I are fine, that we don’t need to lean on each other through this, and all the times she’s given me pushback about that.
So maybe I’m being a hypocrite then? Just a little?
But there’s a difference between a physical injury and an emotional one. Dan is going to need someone staying with him during the day to keep him from fucking his leg up even more, and grief isn’t like that. I don’t get more and more fucked up the more I’m alone with my feelings. Right?
I sigh and pull my phone out, looking at the last exchange of messages with my dad. I could have handled that better. He was reaching out to me, offering support, and I shut him down.
If I can’t even accept my dad’s support, how can I expect Dan—Mr. I Live In A Van to Avoid Financial Obligations and Emotional Attachments, Mr. I Free Solo Enormous Rock Walls To Demonstrate My Self-Reliance In This World, Mr. It’s Me Against Gravity, Mr. It’s Me Against Death—to accept that he needs help now? That he really can’t do this by himself?
Fine, I’ll call my dad later, and for now? Just get a grip, Sejin.
I open the door to his room to apologize for storming out, but I pause, realizing he’s on the phone with someone. After only a moment, I recognize he’s talking with Rye.
“It’s not that I don’t want help from him, Rye, because Ilikewhen he helps me,” Dan’s saying. “But I don’t want him thinking hehasto help. It’s not like it’s his job.”
Rye must have said something in reply because Dan sighs and says, “We’ve been together two months. He didn’t sign on to help me wipe my ass. He signed on to be fucked mindless and—” He breaks off. “I know it’s more than that. I do. Stop yelling at me.”
He sighs again. “I didn’t call to make you mad too. I called because I don’t know whyhe’smad…and now I don’t know whyeither of youare mad, so I’m hanging up. Come get us as soon as you can. Bye.”
From what I can tell, he does end the call. I take a slow breath, struggling with the urge to laugh or curse at him. He’s such a jerk sometimes, and I don’t know entirely what I see in him. But Rye is correct—it’s a lot more than just sex. Dan makes me feel alive, and I want to be with him through thick and thin—if he’ll let me.
“Hey,” I say, shutting the door behind me.
Dan’s lying back against the pillows, a confused, almost hopeless expression on his face.
“Hey,” he says warily. “If you’re going to yell at me more, wait until the pain medicine takes effect, at least. Then I won’t feel it so much.”
I huff a small laugh, cross to him, and take his hand. “I’m not going to yell at you.”
