Page 97 of Free Heart
“Sailor says that if I don’t learn to love taking risks like you, then I’ll turn into scenery, and I won’t do that. I’ve decided I’m going to challenge myself and climb a medium-big wall to start.”
I think it over. It’s not that I’m against Sejin climbing. I’d love to share what I love with him, but I’m not sure that I like his reasoning. It seems to imply that he’s not everything in the world to me outside of my drive to climb Heart Route.
Oh. Maybe thatiswhat he means, though.
“You’re welcome to climb a medium-big wall, Doc, and I’ll help you and be there for you the whole time—when I’m healed enough to go up—but I don’t want you doing this because you think I’m going to get tired of you.”
“Sailor says everything outside of a death-defying experience is beige and gray wallpaper.”
“That’s Sailor, and that’s bullshit. She likes to say extreme things because it makes her feel something.”
“I don’t think it is bullshit, Dan,” he says, turning to me in the semi-darkness. “If it were, then you wouldn’t need to go up the wall.”
“What’s the meaning of life, Doc?” I ask.
“Huh?”
“What’s the whole deal about? The reason we’re alive?”
“To be happy.”
“No…to feel it.” I stop, surprised at the words as soon as they’re out of my mouth.
“You feel most alive when free soloing, I know.”
“I mean yes, in some ways. Death’s right there. You can almost see it. You can definitely touch it if you make a wrong move or choice. But the thing is, it’s the living that you concentrate on. The way the air feels on your skin. Time slows down. You’re really there. Totally present.”
“In a way that you don’t feel present when you’re just, I don’t know, watching YouTube videos with me?”
“Right. But it makes me appreciate that time with you in a way I can’t without the climb. Maybe for Sailor when the climb’s over, everything else feels gray, but to me, the shiny lingers. It makes you extra sparkly. You radiate.”
“You have such a way with words from time to time.”
“I know. I’m very good with my tongue.”
“And then you blow it.”
I shrug. “It’s what you love the most about me, Doc.”
“Is it?”
“You love how unpredictable I am. You love that you don’t know what I’m going to do or say next.”
“Except when I do. Idoknow you, Dan. I know you quite well.”
“What am I going to say next, then?”
Sejin considers. “Something sexual.”
“Wrong. I’m going to say that I’m scared to meet your dad tomorrow.”
Sejin sits up. “You’re right. I didn’t expect that.” He snaps the bedside light on. “He’s not a scary guy. He’s quiet a lot. An introvert. Sweet.”
“You’re scared of him, though.”
Sejin huffs. “No, I’m just nervous.”
“That he won’t like me.”
