Page 26 of Free Heart
“I would,” I say. “I think he’d leave me.”
“And if he didn’t leave, he’d still never be the same.”
It’d be like taking the laughter from Mom’s voice…yes. He’d be someone I don’t even know anymore. He’d be a Dan-shaped man, but notDan, the person I love.
“It’s stupid that I can’t just tease this one thing out and have him otherwise be exactly the same.”
“Can’t take the vanilla out of the chocolate chip cookie recipe and claim it’s still good.”
I chuckle. “No.”
“What can I do to help?”
“I don’t know.” I rub a hand over my eyes. “Well, I do know of one thing, actually, but I don’t know if you can manage it.”
“Name it. I’ll try.”
“We’re short on cash, Dad.Realshort. Dan’s going to have a lot of expenses coming up, physical therapy and medical bills, that sort of thing. We’ll have to make a plan to deal with that, and I don’t even know where to start. But right now, we’re already living tight. I’m housesitting here, so at least we don’t have to pay any kind of rent for a spell, but…” I groan. “With the cost of gas, and groceries, and everything else, I don’t know how we’re gonna get by.”
“You got Venmo?”
I blink. “Youhave Venmo?”
“Nevaeh set me up with it last time she came around. I’ll send you what I was going to spend on the airline tickets out for Thanksgiving. Based on what you’ve told me about his injuries,I don’t think you’re gonna be in a good place for a visit until at least Christmas.”
“Dad…”
“Don’t say thank you. I’m your dad. This is my job.”
“But still—”
“No. I won’t hear it. Now what’s your Venmo handle? Is that the right term for it? Or is it address?”
I give him my handle, and we say goodbye. By the time I’ve stepped back into the house, my phone dings with an alert, and I check it. He’s sent $3,000, which is way more than tickets from Charleston to Fresno. It’s enough to get us through the next month or so while I figure out what all we’ll need to do for Dan.
My throat feels tight, but I pocket my phone again and shake out my hands. Taking deep breaths, I give myself a pep talk: I can do this. I can take care of Dan, and hold down two jobs, and coordinate his care, and…
I’m so in over my head.
But when I think of that moment in the meadow when I thought he was gone, I know he’s worth it.
I go back into the house but pause outside the bedroom doorway. Dan’s talking to someone and, based on what he’s saying, it can only be Peggy Jo.
“Don’t cry,” he says gently. “Sejin’s done enough of that for all of us.” A pause. “Iambeing good to him! What do you even mean by that?” He sighs. “I don’t remember it. Not a single thing. I have no idea what went wrong.”
I put my back against the wall and slide down. Eavesdropping might be rude, but sometimes it’s the only way to find out what Dan’s really thinking. He can be so obtuse with me when he wants to avoid a topic. Peggy Jo, though, will force it out of him.
“It makes me leery of going up again if I can’t even determine what made me fall.” He laughs sharply. “No, that doesn’t mean I won’t do it. You know me better than that.”
I close my eyes. Each time he says he’s going up again, it’s like I might pass out.
I wipe a hand over my face. I’m so tired, like I haven’t slept in days. The motel was fine, but after the first night I kept waking from nightmares and each time I was momentarily convinced that Dan was dead, that his survival was the dream, and I was going to have to face a future without him.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I don’t like it when you cry.” He growls a little. “I hate it when he cries too. See? This is why letting people love you is a bad idea. When you hurt them, it hurts you too.”
I roll my eyes. Sometimes he’s so selfish. I wish I knew why I can’t hate him or even stay angry with him. I guess because this is who he is, and this is what I signed up for from the start. He’s never lied to me about his plans. He’s never wavered even a little.
“Well, if that’s what love is, then it’s dumb. I’d rather not feel this way about either of you, but I do and I have to live with it. Or die with it.” He chuckles. “Was that too soon? Don’t be mad!”
