Page 117 of Free Heart
She rolls her eyes at me, but her lips soften at the corners. Is that a smile I’ve managed to get out of Leenie Anderson-Sutley? Smack my ass and call me amazing.
“We all love Sejin,” she murmurs. “At first, I thought you were going to use him and hurt him. Then I thought you were going to hurtyourselfand that would hurt him.” She gestures at my propped-up leg as if to indicate that she hadn’t been wrong. “But even though I don’t understand you, and even though I worry about not only about Sejin’s emotional security, but also his financial situation if he continues with you, I recognize that you’ve asked him to be your husband. You’re very serious about a future with him. I don’t want us—you and me—to stay on this path we’ve been on. It’s not good for my relationship with Sejin, and it’s not good for our family. And you’re part of our family now.”
“Whether you like it or not, right? That’s the part you left out.”
She sighs. “I understand if you hold a grudge. I haven’t been kind to you. But I truly am sorry. I should have welcomed you more warmly. Instead, I just thought of all the pain you might cause the people I care about—and the pain you might causeme, if I’m being honest—if I let you close enough. I also hadn’t realized how much being in a relationship with Sejin would change you.”
I tilt my head. “Meaning?”
“You’re working hard now, aren’t you? Making those videos, growing your audience, and trying to get yourself into a lifestyle that’s fair to Sejin. I appreciate that.”
Continuing to drink my beer, I watch through the window as Jeremiah waves his melted marshmallow around on the stick, and then proceeds to feed it to Sejin, who has relinquished Sarah Kate back to her father. The marshmallow smears all over Sejin’schin, and I laugh as he tries to lick it off—sticking his tongue out as far as he can.
“I was in the car the other day with Buck, and he asked me what my problem was with you.”
“Oh yeah?”
“In the process of answering him, I realized who I sounded like. My mother. She’s never satisfied, always wanting more for me and from me—but never caring about what I want for myself. It’s always got to be on her terms, or she can’t help but pick and poke and snipe.”
I sip more beer, waiting for her to get to the point.
“That’s what I’ve been doing when it comes to you—trying to make you live on my terms to get my approval.”
“You’re approval doesn’t matter to me.”
“I know that.”
I cut my gaze to Leenie, who’s looking a little red in the face, feeling more than a little irritated by me. This apology hasn’t gone the way she’d wanted, but why should it? I’ve never been the one making things difficult between us.
She takes a deep breath and goes on, “When I had Jeremiah, I swore to myself that I’d be nothing like my mother. I’d love him and support him for who he is, no matter what that looks like, even if the life he chooses isn’t what I dreamed of for him. Even if he wants to grow up to be a rock climber like his hero. That’s you, Dan.”
“He’s a good kid and a good little climber.”
She makes a soft sound of relief at this evidence that I’m softening. “I know he is, and I want to support him in his interests. I don’t want to be like my mom and put down the thing he loves.”
I lift my beer can at her, hoping that’s the end of her confession. It’s not.
“The other day, in the car, Buck said to me, ‘We gotta forgive people for being different than how we want them to be, Leenie,’ and I was so embarrassed. I knew he’d seen the truth of me, and he’d called me out on it. I was being like my mom when it comes to you. I’ve been holding you hostage tomyrules, standards, and values, and not allowing grace and space for the fact that you have your own compass to follow in life. I’ve been acting just like my mom.”
“Maybe.”
“No maybe about it. Buck’s right. I’ve got to stop putting all of these stipulations around the love I give to other people. It’s not just about the kind of mom I want to be to Jeremiah or Sarah Kate, but it’s about the kind of person I want to beperiod.So, I have to let it go, Dan. I need to stop demanding that my mother be the kind of mom I’ve always wanted and accept her the way she is.”
I shrug. I’m not interested in Leenie’s mom.
“I’ve got to accept you the way you are, too. I’m sorry, Dan. I truly am. I hope that you can forgive me.”
I decide it’s time to let her off the hook. She’s right. The tension between us isn’t good for any of us, and I don’t care enough about her past negative opinon of me to let her crucify herself with regret over it. She hasn’t injured me that deeply.
“I accept your apology.”
“What?” she says, meeting my eyes with surprise.
“I accept your apology, and—” I hesitate. I’m not sure I really owe her one too, because it’s not as though the life I live is specifically designed with her discomfort in mind, but I offer one anyway. For Sejin. “I apologize for not being the kind of guy you wanted for Sejin. It’s unfortunate, because he really deserves the best. Instead, he fell for me and, well, there’s no accounting for taste. But since I got so lucky, I’m not planning to let him go.”
She smiles, relief entering the depths of her eyes. I’ve said something she knows how to deal with. I can’t say I’ve said therightthing, but I’ve said something she doesn’t find threatening or upsetting. “You’re not all that bad. You adore him. How can we ask for more?”
I don’t remind her that she has and probably will again. I stand up when she does, my ice pack falling to the couch, and I let her hug me. I pat her back awkwardly, noting that she uses the same shampoo that Sejin’s been buying since money became a big enough issue for him to only get the super-cheap stuff.
