Page 107 of Free Heart
“Why?”
Rye huffs a small, broken laugh. “It’s complicated.”
“Sum it up.”
“I knew that a simple ‘sorry’ was too good to be true.” He rubs a hand over his head, smoothing down his hair. “He’s messed up, and I’m not in a place where ‘messed up’ is something I can have in my life.” A tight swallow makes his throat bob. “There’s too much as stake for me. I…can’t.”
I don’t know what he’s talking about, but as I open my mouth again, Rye motions at the stage. The time for questions is over.
“Shhh!” the crowd lets out, and the rustling and conversations drop away as Sejin steps onto the high school’s little stage.
My heart swoops, and despite the heaviness I’ve been feeling for Rye, I want to hoot as I stare at my guy up there. He’s tall, yes, and beautiful, yes, like always, but seeing him in the spotlight with that excited, nervous grin on his face makes me dizzy. It reminds me of how it feels to free solo—up a wall with just confidence and practice to guide me, grace and luck on my side. I desperately want to stand up and announce to the room that he’s mine. Mine, mine,mine.
I restrain myself.
“Hi, y’all,” he says, his Appalachian accent breaking open more and more the longer his father is in town. “I’m so excited that all y’all came out tonight to see Tater Tots’ very firstannual Winter Holiday show. This year our theme isEverything Christmas, and Anything Winter, and All Things Celebratory. It’s a mouthful, I know, but we have a handful of kids who don’t celebrate Christmas, and we wanted to include them in a respectful, fun way. Before we start, I want y’all to know that it’s been my absolute pleasure working with your children for the past several years, and the past few weeks especially. They bring me such joy. Every day I get to work with them is one of the luckiest of my life.” He touches his chest. “I feel that deeply, and I hopeyoulove seeing how much they enjoy learning to move their bodies and getting their wriggles out in the form of dance.”
The crowd applauds.
Sejin lets out a littlewhooshof air and shakes out his hands. “There are a few acknowledgments I want to make. First, putting this show together was Heather Tate’s idea, and I want to thank her for encouraging me to embrace the roles of choreographer and director. It’s been such a blast.”
Heather waves from the side of the stage.
Sejin continues, “She was also the one who suggested that the small price of the entry tickets go toward Dan’s recovery fund.” Here he nods at me. I lift my hand as he’d instructed I should, trying out the smile he’d had me practice earlier in the evening. I hope itlooksgrateful and sincere because it feels weird and fake. But I do my best.
Sejin seems pleased enough. “As you might imagine, after his fall, Dan’s medical bills have been extraordinary, and any additional help is greatly appreciated. We can’t thank you enough for being here tonight and contributing in this way. If any of you would like to add more, the QR code on the back of the program in your hands will take you to our GoFundMe page, and you can contribute there directly.”
Finally, Sejin wipes a shaking hand over his forehead and takes a deep breath. “Without further ado…Tater Tots wishesyou a happy holiday season.” He turns to the wings and whispers, “Evelyn, we’re ready. Kids…places, please.”
As Sejin walks to the opposite side of the stage from Heather—still visible, but allowing the audience to focus on the kids—they all come tumbling out.
First, Jeanie, dressed as a snowflake, and then Jeremiah as a Christmas kitty. Leenie stands up to hand Sarah Kate over to Evelyn, who stands near the back with her in her round Christmas Moon outfit. The others jog out dressed in a variety of Christmas costumes, spreading out to take up the majority of the stage.
The first song starts up—Jimin’s “Christmas Love”—and the kids, for the most part, know exactly what to do. The ones who don’t, look to Sejin and imitate him to the best of their ability. Only Byron, dressed as a Christmas cowboy, starts to cry, and Heather comes out to carry him offstage.
The parents sway back and forth, and halfway through, the kids encourage the parents to sing the easy-to-learn and prominent English lyrics. They do, and soon the room is full of laughter and a chorus of lifted voices.
A weird feeling tugs at my chest. I think it’s love, and not just for Sejin, and not just for my friends, but for this community and the town at large. I rub at my breastbone, feeling winded by it.
I feel Peggy Jo’s eyes on me, and I turn to meet her gaze. There are tears in her eyes as she reaches out and grabs my hand. This is what she’s wanted for me for a long time now—a family, a place in this town, and in the hearts of these people. But I know it’s not about me. It’s all Sejin. He’s the magic that’s brought this together. That’s brought me everything I’m feeling right now.
I remember how little Jeremiah—adorable on stage in his Christmas cat costume—used to try to bite me for taking Sejinaway from him. What a fool I am, right? To let Heart Route ever have a chance to steal our future—his future—away.
I promised him when I asked him to marry me to always put him first. As the sweetness of this Christmas performance, his triumph of kindness, rises around me and the music makes my heart swell, I bring my arm up to my mouth and bite my exposed wrist. Just hard enough to remind myself.
Don’t fuck this up, Dan. Don’t ever lose him, or this, or us.
Rye takes hold of my arm and brings it down. He doesn’t know what I’m doing or why, but he slides his fingers through mine and holds my hand. Later, when I’m alone with him, I’m going to have to explain. Maybe he can take a lesson from Jeremiah’s violent possessiveness too. Maybe he can find a way to prevent the ruination of whatever it is he could have with Lowell.
Or maybe he can’t.
I squeeze his hand. He’s not me, and Lowell’s not Sejin, so…maybe he just can’t make it work this time.
Sejin’s eyes gleam as he directs the kids to bow, and the next song starts up. It’s a holiday version of BTS’s song “Dynamite,” and the kids absolutely dance their little hearts out.
My heart’s out too, though no one knows. It’s beating in Sejin’s smile, in his eyes, in his body so easily keeping the time of the music.
It’s crazy how my love for him keeps growing. In fact, I think it’s fair to say that I’m the most in love I’ve ever beenright this second. He looks so happy. His joy is my joy. Amazing.
