Page 37 of My Favorite Secret
“Harper has lost her mother. She’s lost you. At least she can still hold onto you. She’s afraid of losing you for good. She’s always wanted you back.”
“Then take it as a compliment. You’re the anchor in her life. You had a fight with her but she knows youtwo will always find your way back to each other. She doesn’t have that confidence in me.”
Harper curls into Felix’s chest. He strokes her hair and kisses her forehead. Perhaps I should be mad at him, but I’m not. I know there’s truth in his words about me and Harper. The sight of them together offers me a sense of relief because I’ve wanted this, for the three of us to find our way back to the way things used to be. I hope we can. I hope this isn’t a temporary connection between Harper and Felix during the initial loss of Clara.
“Do you think it’s safe to turn the music off?” I ask.
For the most part, I’ve tuned out the music, but the “Sleeping Beauty Waltz” has been on repeat for hours. Earlier in the day, I was searching for any means to soothe Harper and was surprised when the song worked.
It was Harper and Clara’s song, and now it’s heartbreaking.
“Keep the music on. Turn it down a little,” Felix says.
I adjust the volume then sit on the bed next to Harper, preparing for sleep and emptying the contents of my pockets on her bedside table. Harper is well-loved at her ballet school, evident from the number of condolence bouquets scattered around her room. Her friend Cindy dropped them off earlier, but only now am I noticing one bouquet in particular, sitting on Harper’s bedside table and with a note attached.
Harper,
I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I’ll visit soon, beautiful.
Paul xoxo
Just like the text message from him, he’s calling herbeautifuland it stirs up something acidic in my chest. From the way I’ve had no issues with Felix holding Harper over these last few days, I thought I didn’t have it in me to feel jealous and possessive right now. I was wrong. I don’t know who this Paul Ferguson guy is, but Harper is not his to call beautiful.
“Who’s Paul?” Felix asks.
I look over my shoulder at my brother, realizing his eyes are on Paul’s note.
“He’s who started the fight between me and Harper,” I mutter. “They went on a date. Though, she said it was to please her parents. She thinks they want her to marry him. Did you see him drop these flowers off?”
“They came from a delivery service,” he answers with disinterest. “Bro, fuck Paul. Don’t even think about him. He’s not getting anywhere near Harper.”
I nod, slightly eased from his response.
Still dressed from the day, I kick my shoes off and climb beneath the bedsheets with Harper and Felix, hugging Harper from behind. I could be making things weird with the three of us being in bed together like this. Given the circumstances, I doubt Felix will care.
“I can’t believe she’s gone.” Felix breaks the silence, keeping his voice low. He sounds nothing like my brother, so lifeless and full of remorse. “The last time I spoke to Clara, we got into an argument. I said some terrible things to her. Yet she was kind enough to give me a peace offering, the only photograph she owned of Mom. The gesture was too good of her. It made me realize that maybe I didn’t need to be so angry with Clara. I sent her a message, telling her I wanted us to mend our relationship. I was too late, Tyler.”
I’ve never seen my brother like this before. The pain in his voice is so raw that it worries me.
Felix closes his eyes tight and shakes his head. “Clara wanted to help me, and I shut her out. I made her life harder. I don’t know what state of mind she was in when she drove off. Was her driving impacted because of our fight? I keep going over the events of that day. If I hadn’t been cruel to her, perhaps she would have been more present while driving?—”
“Stop. This isn’t your fault.”
He scrunches a hand through his hair. “Whether it is or not, I fucked up. She was the one adult in my life who believed in me. It shouldn’t have taken her death for me to realize how much I… wasted my time with her.”
My eyes prick with heat. Felix has never used the wordloveto describe his feelings for anyone or anything. I suspect it makes him feel stronger.
Hearing the strain in his voice as he speaks about Clara, I know some part of him loved her, even if he can’t admit it.
I curl a lock of Harper’s red hair around my finger. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“There’s nothing to say. How are you coping with her passing? You were closer with Clara than I was.”
“It feels surreal. I’ve been so focused on Harper that I haven’t had time to process anything.”
“Have Dan and Killian been told yet?”
Our brothers will be saddened by the news, but they haven’t spent much time with Clara in recent years.
