Page 98 of Fighting Conviction
“No, Neal, I can’t. It’s too much. It’s all too much. You don’t understand. Please, just let me go.”
“No, Cici, you can beat this. Let’s do it together.”
She whipped her head up at him with a hateful glare. “Don’t you get it? I’m tryin’ to die to get away from you! Just let me go!”
“I tried to hurt you that day.” Cici sighed and shook her head. “I said the worst thing I could think of.”
“It worked,” Neal mumbled and swiped a hand down his face. “But you were right. I didn’t realize what pain you were talkin’ about… until I felt it myself.” He sighed and they were back in the living room, with him sitting in his chair and her holding out her hand. He looked up in her adoring eyes and felt peace… and regret.
“I’m sorry, Cees. So sorry I pushed you to that. If I’d been sober sooner. If I’d been there for you, seen the signs.”
“Shh, shh. No, Neal. It wasn’t your fault. I was sick.”
“The cancer… I know. That’s what snapped me out of it—”
“No, Neal. Before that.” She tapped her head. “My mind was sick. My heart…” She brought her hand down to her heart and covered it as she shook her head.
“Because of me, right?” His heart ached for her answer. “I was distant. A drunk. I pushed you away.”
“No, honey. You can’t blame yourself for the things in my mind that made life unbearable. The cancer was just the tipping point. I couldn’t hold on anymore. But stop blaming yourself. You’ve been living off of my worst moments for too long. It’s time to give that guilt up. I’m at peace now.”
“You are?”
She nodded with a gentle smile and held her hand out again. “Come walk with me, Neal.”
He looked up from her hand and they were in the field where they’d married, behind the church they’d faithfully gone to. He looked at her face and she was skipping backward through the wheatgrass. It was the Cici from their wedding day. Young and vibrant. Full of life.
“Come Neal. It’s so peaceful.” She giggled and twirled in her simple ivory gown.
He choked on emotion. It was such a relief to see her smiling again. He took a step forward to follow her, but a hard tug at his back kept him from moving. “It’s been so hard without you Cees.”
She stopped running and the older Cici was in front of him again in a blink, still just as beautiful.
“I know. And I know why.”
“You do?”
She nodded. “I was never mad at you before I was sick. You were sick then, too, with your own demons to fight.” She sighed. “You’ve been living with my last words playing like a record. But there were so many good ones before that. We both could’ve done that more I think. Focused on the good. It might’ve helped.” She held out her hand again. “But none of that matters here, Neal. It’s wonderful. Peaceful. I want this for you.”
Neal looked at her hand and stepped forward, fighting against the pull at his back but it was too strong. “I can’t go with you Cees.”
“Why not? Just take my hand.” She looked behind her and faced him again. “Please Neal, we don’t have much time and we can’t stay here.”
“I-I’m scared.”
She smiled. “Come on, honey, we’ll do it together.” She took small steps backward, her hand stretched to him. “Walk with me in peace.”
His feet were glued to the ground and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t pull them from the dirt.
Her sigh reached him and blew against his skin. “I love you, Neal.” The light behind her shined so all he could see was her dark outline. He covered his eyes to keep from being blinded. When he lowered his hand, Cici’s shadow was nearly gone, faint against the bright background.
What was he doing? His wife was in front of him. Why wasn’t he going after her? He could be with her again. Cici didn’t blame him, like he’d thought. She’d forgiven him before he even realized. What was stopping him from doing the same? From forgiving himself?
Neal tried to step forward, out of the mud. He looked down to try to free his foot, expecting a dirty, watery current holding him back. But there was nothing but tall grass.
He huffed his frustration and lifted each foot with all his might until each step was easier than the last. Neal laughed, triumphant he could race after her, but when he looked up even Cici’s shadow was gone. He turned around, unable to remember which direction she’d left.
“I’m comin’ Cees! Wait for me!” Neal yelled as loud as he could, coughing past the hot wind forcing its way down his throat. He hoped Cici would call back for him, but there was nothing but the whooshing of the wind.
