Page 43 of Fighting Conviction
“Annoyed?”
“Scared.”
Her breath hitched. “But you’re usually so… I guess I’ve never seen you lose your cool before. Jason says you don’t feel anything.” The last part was a tentative question more than a statement, but the indictment against his characteristic lack of reaction cut him as sure as the slice of a knife, but he didn’t know why.
His lips tightened before he answered as honestly as he could muster considering the topic. “Not when it comes to you, angel.”
She nodded, as if she could possibly know the hold she had over him. She laid her golden hair back against the bench seat and squared her vision on Devil.
“I won’t go at night anymore. The daylight got away from me today. But you can’t expect me not to ever go there again. I was close to her for the first time since… a long time.”
He shook his head, she had no idea how alike they were.
“Listen,” he began, determined to get his point out before the memories threatening to tear down his peace of mind broke free. “I get what you’re going through more than most. I had a friend, growing up. Troy. He was going through it at home. He started getting moody and turned into this angry kid. I didn’t understand why at the time, just thought he was being an asshole. Come to find out, his parents were abusing him.” The quiet hiss of breath beside him made him want to get the words out as quickly as possible. He’d kept the guilt in too long. Maybe getting some of that poison out of him would help.
“Their abuse drove him to abuse drugs. I lost my friend right before my eyes. I let him go, too. I thought he was the one who was fucked up, that he was a failure. Not that everything around him, including me, had failedhim.
“We got into a stupid fight, I can’t even remember what it was about anymore except that it was the last one. I let my emotions get the best of me. I lost control and let being angry and prideful distract me from seeing every sign right there in front of me.”
Devil choked and cleared his throat, blinking his eyes several times to see the dark road better. Ellie patted his thigh, close to his knee, but he faced the street for the next sentence. He didn’t want to get sidetracked. It was easy when he’d never wanted to be on the path in the first place.
“His emotions got the best of him, too. I lost him and… I found him.” A creaking fractured his memory as the nightmare he’d lived at seventeen swayed on its rope in his teary vision, like a morbid transparent backdrop on the windshield. He clenched his hands around the steering wheel hard, until all he could focus on was the pain in his fingertips. Not the agony of seeing his best friend hanging from the ceiling.
“He took a bunch of whatever medication his parents forced him on and when that didn’t work, he took matters into his own hands. I never got to say sorry. I never tried to help him. Maybe I could’ve but—”
“You had no idea that was going to happen. You were just a—” Ellie paused and looked at him when he leveled his gaze on hers. “Just a kid.”
“Yeah, baby.” Devil nodded. “We were just kids.”
The way she got to the point he wanted her to understand, it sounded so simple. Even if he didn’t believe it himself, he hoped she did. She didn’t deserve the same guilt he’d suffered.
It was Ellie’s turn to sigh and she faced the road as he did. “Last week after I freaked out… is that why you did too?”
He jerked his head ‘yes’ even though he wasn’t sure she saw. “You make me lose control, angel.”
“And you think that made you miss the signs of my panic attack.”
“Iknowit did.”
“You didn’t. But I’m sure.” She sighed. “Losing control… I think that’s why I got scared, too. I like things… regimented now. It helps me not have to think. Being in control now, I guess, makes me feel less guilty about giving in to feeling helpless then. I felt like I lost control of my body again in that moment and I think that’s why I had my panic attack.”
She felt like she didn’t have control?So much of what she’d said fired off synapses and made connections in his brain. But the last was what sparked an idea in Devil’s mind, one that wasn’t fully formed but he wondered…
“She was cremated, you know.” The sentence snapped him back to the conversation at hand. “There’s nothing at her grave. Not even ashes. If I’m gonna be able to feel Sasha when I need to, I have to be where I remember us the most, where I remember her the best.
“The park… the tree. That was ours. Our safe haven. It saved us from all the stupid boys on the playground. We won every dang manhunt and hide-and-seek game.” Ellie’s voice became watery. “We became best friends in that treehouse.”
Silence blanketed the cab of the truck, and Devil waited for her to finish. His body ached and he realized he’d been rigidly sitting on the edge of his seat cushion since they got in the truck. He settled back against the seat and glanced at Ellie, her eyes drifting closed as the lights of campus shone in the darkness. From the stressors she’d experienced, her adrenaline must’ve been through the roof. She’d been working herself to the bone lately. He was surprised she had any energy left at all.
She inhaled deeply before continuing softly. “It’s something that helps me remember the good, even when everything else totally sucks. Don’t you have anything like that?”
Her words drifted and he wondered if she was falling asleep. He grasped her small hand resting on the seat between them. His thumb traced her knuckles and he reveled in the softness of her skin. She scooted to his side, morphing to him in a sleepy daze, all the while still in his grip. The comfort in the simple touch soothed him.
“Yeah, angel. I’ve got something like that.”
Chapter Sixteen
Deafening booms jolted Ellie awake, shooting her straight up into a sitting position and clutching her chest. Flailing around for purchase, her eyes widened to try to see as she was sucked down into the pitch-black room. She slapped her hands up and down her chest and legs, afraid of what she’d find.
