Page 27 of Fighting Conviction
“Sir? Erm, I-I’m gonna go on my break?”
Neal snapped out of the tug-of-war in his mind. After a swift nod, he tightened his lips to hold back his rage against the lazy officer. There was no other choice.
“Th-that’s fine, son. I-I’ll come back later.”
He wouldn’t though. They were already onto this plan. He’d have to come up with a new one.
The relief on Officer Willis’s face was obvious, spineless fuck was probably thankful he didn’t have to do his job. “Great! See y’all, then.” He turned to head in the opposite direction to the basement break room.
Neal did an about face to the stairwell, bumping into Brown’s shoulder before marching his way back to his office.
“Burgess, hold up.” Aguilar slapped him on the shoulder to stop him right before he reached the stairway door. Brown was close behind.
“What is it, Aguilar? I’m busy.”
Aguilar cleared his throat and held the door open, allowing Neal to ascend the stairs first. “It’s just… well, I know the past year has been hard for us all. What with our...” Aguilar looked up the stairwell and lowered his voice. “Special case we’re working on with BlackStone… and of course losing that girl…”
A pin needle poked Neal’s heart. That’s all the pain he ever allowed himself to feel over that situation. The smallest prick so the dam holding back all his regret wouldn’t burst. It was easier to patch over with his medicine in his system.
The kidnappings had caught him off guard. Neal had always known he’d made a deal with the devil when he signed on with the Russians to be his own personal supplier. But when he decided to give up the rest of his life for the sake of moments of guaranteed peace, he’d only known about the drug pushing, not the human trafficking.
His dependency on the Russians dug that girl’s grave. He’d missed blatant signs that could’ve stopped her murder. Maybe if he’d been clean, or maybe if he hadn’t latched on to the first tip they’d tricked him with—the one about Jason Stone being the kidnapper and murderer—maybe the girl would still be alive.
Afterward, he’d been forced to do a sloppy cleanup, burning the girl’s body before the autopsy, and losing the little evidence he’d had his team collect. Under the Russian’s direction, he’d washed the dirt off all their hands, making sure no one ever found out who held the shovel.
He still had to play by their rules for as long as he could and not only to keep his fix. If Neal was ever found out, he wasn’t sure there’d be anything left to bury.
“It’s been a rough year. What’s your point, Aguilar?” Even though it’d only been one floor, the steps were testing his failing heart. Not for the first time, he wondered why the county never fixed the goddamn elevator when the police station had three stories.
“This is my stop,” Aguilar said, poised to go through the exit leading to the parking lot. “I don’t know Burgess. You seem like you might need a break. Take care of yourself, alright? You’ve been doin’ this job a while. But it still takes a toll on us all.” Aguilar waved before exiting outside. His dark eyes had seemed sympathetic, but why would the ADA care?
“Excuse me, sir.” Brown pushed past him to continue up the stairs two at a time as the door closed behind Aguilar. “You comin’ up?”
Neal’s gaze shot up to Brown, already on the next landing. “Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ll be up in a sec. These stairs weren’t meant to be run up, boy.”
Officer Brown shifted his feet. “Aguilar’s right, sir. This job can make us go crazy… Maybe even make us do crazy things.” The rookie’s eyes widened on the last point.
Neal glared up at him and waved Brown off. “Keep your damn nose in your own business, boy. And stay the hell away from mine.”
Neal bent over to catch his breath. The throb of his heartbeat pounded in his chest, up through his neck and head, making his migraine even worse. He had to get in better fucking shape.
Brown’s feet were still at the top of the second landing, shuffling back and forth, as if deciding whether to go up or down. Finally, they chose up and Neal waited until he heard the top floor door slam shut. He inhaled three deep breaths before leaning his back against the cement block wall, barely keeping himself from sliding down.
“What am I gonna do, Cici?” He brought his fingers up to his eyes and massaged them, pushing until the pressure in his head was less than the pain against his eyeballs. The slight shift in discomfort was actually a relief in a way.
The truth made him swallow back the lump of anxiety in his throat that was big enough to choke on. He’d resisted his only other option for as long as he could.
“It’ll be hard to come back from this one, Cees. Once I go over the deep end, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll last.” Neal whispered the words to the ghost that carried him through life.
“I understand more than you know. I love you.”
He blinked back the sting in his tired eyes. Hearing those last three words one more time aloud was something he’d craved for years. Maybe if she were still alive, that would be all he would need. He wouldn’t have to resort to his medicine, the crystal he’d hidden from himself for emergencies, or the Russians. He could be his own man again. Maybe if he’d just listened—
“Neal, don’t blame yourself. I did this. And if I hadn’t, the cancer would have. I was unhappy before you even knew.”
“But what if I’d been a better—”
“I was sick, Neal. It was only a matter of time before it got to be too much.”
