Page 16 of You Had Me at Chateau
Amy looks horrified but can’t help giggling.
‘So it wasn’t very good otherwise?’ she checks. ‘Honestly, I really thought the two of you would have hit it off, with you both being writers.’
I shake my head.
‘No, he was kind of hostile,’ I tell her. ‘And he made me feel like the last mouldy piece of fruit on the tree that no one wanted to pick.’
Mum, who’s been rather quiet until now, stirs like she’s about to say something.
‘I’m sure that’s not true, Amber,’ she tells me, in her best mumsy reassuring tone.
‘Oh, no, he couldn’t have been clearer about it. He described dating in your thirties as being like Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve,’ I say, still feeling the sting of his words. ‘Having to settle for what’s left.’
‘Oh, Amber, I’m so sorry,’ Amy insists. ‘Ray is a friend of the guy I’m dating. I had no idea he was like that.’
‘It’s okay,’ I say, shrugging it off. ‘I’ll put it in a book. Putting things in books is cheaper than therapy.’
It’s nice to hear everyone laugh for a moment so I figure, if my own personal mortification is getting laughs, I may as well continue to act the clown. Anything to make this evening less awkward.
‘You think that’s bad, just wait until you hear what happened at my publisher’s today,’ I continue.
‘I was wondering if you were going to tell us how it went,’ Tom says curiously.
‘Kind of shit,’ I say candidly. ‘But, before I even got back there, something strange happened. I met someone – someone you might know.’
‘Okay, this sounds more like my kind of story,’ Auntie Kay says. ‘Who did you meet? A celebrity?’
‘Yep,’ I reply. ‘But I didn’t just bump into him – if anything he bumped into me.’
‘Go on,’ Kay says. ‘I’m on the edge of my seat here. In fact, Jill, can you top my wine up, please? This sounds like it’s going to be good.’
Mum grabs the bottle of white from the table and dutifully fills Auntie Kay’s glass. Auntie Kay loves wine, you can never give her too much. She even collects ‘wine o’clock’ decorations, and proudly displays them all around her house. I think my personal favourite – and there are so many to choose from – is her ‘wine, wine, wine’ sign, in her dining room, with each word in a different font, like ‘live, laugh, love’. Hilarious.
‘Right, so, I got into the lift at my publisher’s office, and this guy suddenly grabbed me from behind, held me close, and started trying to kiss my neck,’ I begin.
‘Again, I don’t think I want to hear this,’ Dad chimes in.
‘Well, I do,’ Auntie Kay says, as her eyes widen with excitement. ‘Oh, my goodness! Tell me more!’
‘I screamed – because of course I did, I’m not exactly used to men trying it on with me in public – and pushed him away,’ I continue. ‘But then he started freaking out too, apologising profusely, saying he thought I was his girlfriend. He said I looked exactly like her from behind.’
Tom snorts.
‘Wait, some guy mistook you for his girlfriend? In a lift? Who is this guy, and does he have a death wish?’ he jokes.
‘He doesn’t have a death wish,’ I reply, grinning. ‘He’s Caleb Carney.’
Auntie Kay practically squeals.
‘Caleb Carney?TheCaleb Carney? Oh, I loved him onWelcome to Singledom! He’s so hot!’
‘The influencer?’ Amy replies. ‘You know, I follow him, and he has like three million followers.’
Tom looks at me in playful disbelief.
‘I’m surprised someone like that is dating someone who looks like you,’ he teases.
‘Thanks, Tom,’ I say dryly. ‘Anyway, he was very apologetic once he realised I wasn’t actually his girlfriend. It turns out he’s there because he’s writing a book for my publisher – but that’s not public knowledge yet, so keep it to yourselves.’
