Page 158 of I Dreamt That You Loved Me
I knew the different tones of her voice. Could read her emotions just by listening closely. When she was happy or excited, her voice lilted. Went flat and toneless when she wasindifferent. And when Cleo laughed, it was like listening to my favorite music. My heart expanded like a balloon until it felt too big for my chest.
I loved to make her laugh. Hated that I’d ever made her cry.
When Cleo was sad or hurting, it made my heart ache. I wanted to fix whatever hurt her and take away her pain, not cause her more with my sharp tongue and wounded ego and insane jealousy and insecurities.
Maybe this argument started over condoms but I think it went deeper than that.
I rubbed my hand over my heart and retraced my steps.
CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO
Gabriel
I foundCleo reading a book on the wicker sofa on the front porch with her feet propped on the table and Otis’ head resting in her lap. She didn’t even look up from her book when I stepped onto the porch.
Otis lifted his head then sighed and rested his head in her lap again.
Even my dog knew I’d acted like an asshole.
I leaned against the porch railing and stared at the exposed roots of the live oak in the front yard. The roots had pushed through the ground, seeking oxygen. Covering them with topsoil would cut off their life supply.
The arborist who pruned my oaks last winter told me that these trees had some of the most sensitive root systems. Any damage would wreak havoc. If the damage was extensive, the overall health of the tree would suffer serious consequences. But he assured me that these trees were tenacious and wouldn’t go down without a fight.
All this to say that I could relate to that tree. I’d put down roots and then I buried them under a mountain of dirt until theywithered from lack of oxygen. Now I was trying to fight my way back to a good place. A healthier place. In my life. In my broken brain. In my damaged relationship.
Maybe I should have apologized to Cleo but that’s not what I did.
“Is that really what you think I’ve been doing?” I asked because it seemed important. Like something she should have known without my having to tell her. “You think I’m the kind of guy who cheats on his wife repeatedly and then invites her here to rub it in her face?” She set the book aside and met my eyes. Hers were glossy with unshed tears, but I soldiered on regardless of how fair or unfair my questions were.
“Isthatwho you think I am, Cleo? A man without moral convictions? A liar and a cheat?”
“No.” She sounded uncertain. Her shoulders sagged. “I don’t know,” she admitted.
“You don’t know.” I nodded and took a few deep breaths through my nose. “Is that who Iusedto be? Was I unkind to you? Was I the kind of man who would sabotage something good for the sake of a cheap thrill?”
“No.” She shook her head. “No, that was never you. But I don’t know you anymore. People change.”
“Not that much. I don’t think the important things change. My conscience is still healthy. Yeah, I’m an asshole sometimes but notthatkind of asshole.” I pushed my hand through my hair and came clean. “The condoms in the kitchen drawer aren’t mine and I don’t have any stashed in my bedside table or anywhere else. I’ve never bought a single box of condoms because I’ve never needed them.”
It took her a few seconds to realize what I’d said. “Oh. So, you haven’t slept with anyone?” she asked hesitantly like shestillwasn’t sure.
“No one.”
She was quiet for a minute, mulling that over. I could almost hear the wheels spinning in her head. “So why did you say all that?”
“I don’t know…” I gave it some thought. “I guess I was hoping you’d put your faith in me.” I knew that Cleo didn’t trust easily. I knew she was guarded. She’d said as much in that notebook. “I was expecting you to trust me without any real proof. But that’s not how it works, is it?”
“I always trusted you. Until I stopped trusting you.”
“So we’re starting over. And I need to earn your trust.” Not sure why it sounded like a question when it was exactly what I needed to do.
Cleo stroked Otis’ fur, her eyes on him. “People aren’t as easy as dogs. When we enter into relationships, we already have all this baggage, you know? Whether it’s from our childhood or past traumas…we all have our own flaws and weaknesses and fears. And you and I…we both had abandonment issues. I mean, you knew that about me and it was such a big part of our relationship, just making sure that we never let each other down. We knew each other’s boundaries. We knew how to show up for each other.
“And I know this doesn’t really have anything to do with that whole condom thing…or maybe it’s just all wrapped up together. But now, whenever you walk away from me, whenever you say something hurtful, it hits so much deeper than it would have four or five years ago when I had all the faith in the world in you. You knew me so deeply and intimately that you knew how I felt about my father cheating on my mother with his groupies and how scared I’d been that you would turn out to be like him. But you never were.”
She chewed on her lip and looked over at me. “You were never a cheater or liar. You were the truest, most honest person I’d ever known. But earlier, in the kitchen, I was jealous. Maybesex is just physical for some people, and maybe it’s no big deal for them, but with us it always felt special, and I hated the thought of you being with someone who wasn’t me.”
I rubbed my hand over my chest and tried to digest all this information. She’d given me a piece of herself that I used to know. A line I never would have crossed in the past. I wish I had the magic bullet to fix everything, but I guess those things took time.
