Page 141 of I Dreamt That You Loved Me
The first time around I said, here’s my heart. It’s yours. Be kind and gentle with it.
But this time around, I need to take it slow and protect my battered heart.
For a long time, I blamed him for leaving, blamed him for giving up on us, but now I see that maybe our separation was necessary. In the months after his surgery, my entire world revolved around him. After he left, I felt so lost, to the point where I had no idea how to live without him, whereas before I had always been my own person.
If he had stayed, I might not have been brave enough to pursue art or go out into the world to find myself again. I wouldn’t have travelled around Southeast Asia on my own or moved to London or learned that despite my fears, I am strong enough to handle so much more than I knew and am braver than I thought.
I guess what it comes down to is that you can love someone all you want, but you have to love yourself more.
And I hope that he does. Love himself, I mean.
I hope he found himself again. I hope he knows that this world is a much better place for having him in it.
P.S. If you need a reminder, Gabriel… YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are talented beyond belief, an old soul, a truth seeker, a drop of pure light. I feel so privileged to have been loved by you, and even though our future remains unclear, our past is a gift that I am eternally grateful for, now and always.
By the time I finished reading, the sun was high in the sky, sweat suctioned my T-shirt to my chest, and I was mourning the loss of something so deep and profound that I had no idea how I could have ever forgotten it all.
A few things stood out on that final page.Loved. Past tense.Our future remains unclear, as if to say we don’t have one, but hey, good news, we had a past you don’t even fucking remember!
I rubbed my hand over my heart. Itached.
What a cruel twist of fate. What a beautiful fucking tragedy.
Her words were further proof that she’d done just fine without me, and even better after I left.
Was she giving us another chance or saying goodbye?
Fuck if I knew. I had no idea where to go from here.
Guess we’d just have to stay in the slow lane. Wouldn’t be my first choice. Wouldn’t even be my second.
If it were up to me, we’d swing for the fucking fences. All or nothing. Do or die. No holding back or hedging our bets or playing it safe.
In my book, that was the only way to live.
But this wasn’t solely up to me. After everything I’d put her through, some of which was only made obvious to me now afterreading her words, the very least I could do was to honor her wishes.
So, I shed my T-shirt and dove into the pool.
Right into the deep end.
CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX
Gabriel
Later that afternoon,I drove around to the local farm stands and stocked up on fresh vegetables and fruit—peaches, plums, berries, and melons. A nod to our Fruit-of-the-Month Club when I fed Cleo fruit and kissed the juice off her lips. The halcyon days of sitting on the fire escape with my lover, my best friend, my everything, and listening to Chopin.
When I got home, a damp beach towel hung on the deck railing and a dish I hadn’t used was in the drying rack next to the kitchen sink.
I’d just missed Cleo.Again.
I pressed play on the answering machine without bothering to listen. My new A&R exec slash two-bit producer was a pain in the ass. As soon as I deleted his messages, my phone rang.
And everyone wondered why I refused to get a cell phone.
Who wanted to be on call 24/7?
Against my better judgment, I answered.
