Page 177 of I Dreamt That You Loved Me
“Tell me,” Cleo said quietly.
She was asking if I had really wanted to die. It wasn’t an easy question to answer. I moved to the window and looked out at the moonlit garden.
I didn’t really want to talk about this, but I guess it was all part of being in a relationship. You couldn’t brush the dirt under the rug and pretend everything was great when that wasn’t always the case.
I turned from the window. “I’m still a mess sometimes. Maybe I always will be. Maybe I always have been. I don’t know. I smoke too much. I’m on medicine. I’ve been to three different therapists. They’ve done studies on my brain for science. I’m a lot,” I admitted. “But I don’t have suicide ideation anymore. I’m not trying to outrun myself or whatever it was I was trying to do when I left you. I have bad days, but the good days outweigh the bad now.”
I grabbed the back of my neck and released a heavy breath. “I just…I thought about death a lot back then. Or, rather, just not being here. I could never go through with it though. Life always won out.” I shoved my hand through my hair. “But if I’m not the man you fell in love with, if it’s too much for you…ifI’mtoo much, I’ll understand…”
“Understand what exactly?”
I thought it was pretty self-explanatory so I just shrugged, said nothing.
She snatched one of my T-shirts from the dresser drawer and put it on then slammed the drawer shut and spun to face me, her hands going to her hips. “Are you seriously pushing me away now, after you just fucked me twice? What’s the deal, Gabriel? You don’t want to be with me now?—”
“No! That’s not what I’m saying at all.” Did I really have to spell this out for her? “I’m giving you an out.”
“Oh, wow.” She nodded slowly. “How gracious of you. I don’t want an out.” She joined me by the window. “You’re stillyou, Gabriel. You’ve always been a lot. But so am I. That’s just who we are. And I have always loved you just as you are.”
She shook her head. “Don’t you get it? The notebook upset me because I don’twantyou to leave.” She smacked my chest. “I don’t ever want you to give up again, do you hear me?” She gave me a shove.
I clenched the cigarette between my lips and captured her wrists in my hand. “I love it when you get all feisty.”
She ripped the cigarette out of my mouth and crushed it in the ashtray. “Stop trying to kill yourself. I can’t lose you, Gabriel. I can’t. You need to stay,” she said between clenched teeth. “Because if you don’t, I don’t know how I would go on. I don’t want to live in a world without you in it.” She swallowed, her voice quavering. “Don’t you dare make me do that.”
This was Cleo, vulnerable.
I pulled her into my arms and held her tight. If it were up to me, I would never let her go. “I’m not going anywhere. Not if I can help it.”
“Promise?” She lifted her gaze to mine. “Promise me, Gabriel,” she prompted.
“I promise. Swear on my life. On music. On Led Zeppelin and Nina Simone and all that is good and true and holy.”
“Okay.” She released a breath and nodded. “Okay. As long as you stay, I’ll take the rain. Your bad days won’t scare me off. You haveneverbeen too much for me, Gabriel. So please don’t ever think that.”
I rubbed my hand over my chest. It felt tight. My heart ached, but it was in a good way.
I’d never been moremethan I was with her. And to think she loved me anyway.
What a gift. What a fucking gift.
I smiled. “My twin flame.”
“Yeah,” she said softly. “God. We burn so bright.”
CHAPTER SIXTY-NINE
Cleo
On Tuesday morning,Gabriel and I had just finished breakfast on the deck when my lawyer’s office called.
In the excitement of reuniting with Gabriel and the avalanche of emotions that had entailed, I’d forgotten all about our impending divorce.
But apparently the “Defendant” had failed to sign and return the summons by the specified deadline so now it was being treated as an uncontested divorce, which would make the whole process swift and pain-free. The next step was to get onto the court’s calendar.
“Thank you for calling but a court date won’t be necessary,” I said, watching Gabriel as he looked up from his notebook. “I’ve decided to drop the divorce case.”
When I cut the call, Gabriel set down his pen. “Does this mean you’ll stay married to me?” he asked, his expression a mix of hope and vulnerability.
