Page 136 of I Dreamt That You Loved Me
I kicked off my flip-flops and walked across the soft, white sand on bare feet. There were a few people on the beach. A group of teen girls lying on their stomachs, legs scissoring, listening to a boombox. Surfers in wetsuits with boards under their arms. A family with a pop-up tent, striped beach chairs and a cooler. The mother was passing out cold drinks and sandwiches to the kids who were wrapped in beach towels like baby burritos.
We followed the water’s edge, our feet sinking into the sand as the tide rushed in and retreated. Otis dove into the waves and swam out to retrieve the Frisbee Gabriel tossed into the ocean.
“Otis is a better swimmer than me,” I said, smiling as his head popped up above the waves, with the Frisbee firmly secured in his jaws. He doggy-paddled like mad and caught a wave that brought him to shore.
“A better surfer than me, that’s for sure,” Gabriel said with a laugh.
“You surf?” I asked in shock, pushing a lock of hair off my face. I thought maybe the surfboard was merely decorative. Or left behind by the previous owners.
“Not sure you’d call it surfing. I just paddle out and then I float on my board for a while. Sometimes I accidentally catch a wave and end up eating sand.”
I laughed at the visual. “ThatI need to see.”
“It’s something special, all right.” He laughed at himself. “But who knows? I might come back as a surfer in my next life.”
Some things hadn’t changed. He was still obsessed with reincarnation and the afterlife.
Otis dropped the Frisbee at Gabriel’s feet and shook his body, spraying us with water. I laughed, jumping out of the way when he rubbed his wet fur against my shins. Gabriel tossed the Frisbee again and Otis took off, leaping right into the ocean like this was his favorite game.
I used my hand as a visor so I could see him better. I’d left my sunglasses at the house.
Seagulls squawked and circled then dive-bombed the water. Otis temporarily forgot his mission and barked at the seagulls before continuing his Frisbee search.
“Dogs are so easy to please. Their love and loyalty are unconditional,” Gabriel mused. “All you have to do is treat them with a little bit of kindness and they’ll love the shit out of you. Follow you to the ends of the earth if you ask them to.”
People were more complex but there was a time when my love and loyalty were as strong and unshakeable as Otis’. If he’dasked, I would have followed Gabriel to the ends of the earth, too. But he never asked. Gabriel had rarely ever asked me for anything.
I gave it freely, and so did he.
“How are you doing?” This was the first time I’d asked. How selfish of me. “I mean, how are youreallydoing?”
He pressed his tongue against the inside of his cheek, eyes narrowed in thought. “It’s still a struggle sometimes but that doesn’t make me special or unique. It’s just part of being human. I think you need to delve into the darkness to truly appreciate the light, you know?” He squinted into the distance. “I kind of get the feeling that I’m no stranger to that…that I’ve gone through depression before. It feels oddly familiar and not just because of those months in New York but…in my former life.”
My former life. As if he’d really died and come back. A rebirth. A whole new life for him.
Maybe those times he used to retreat to our dark bedroom were because of depression, and not only because of the headaches. He used to try to hide it from me. As if he was ashamed that he couldn’t find joy in the moment. He’d get really quiet and keep to himself, and I always gave him his space.
Then, when he was ready, he would come back to me like nothing had ever happened and life would go on.
I’d never had depression, so I had no idea how it felt. But I remember how my dad would withdraw and even though he’d beenright there, I always knew, even as a little girl, that he’d gone to a place I couldn’t follow.
Now I wondered if we should have talked about it. Maybe there were a lot of things we should have talked about but didn’t.
“How does it feel?” I asked. “When you’re depressed, I mean. Is it like being sad?”
Gabriel shook his head. “No. It’s more like an absence of everything. Just…a nothingness. Complete apathy, I guess.”
We watched a few surfers bobbing around on their boards beyond the breakers as the tangerine sun dipped into the horizon. Our hair lifted in the breeze and my bare arm brushed against his, sending that same electric shock through my body.
God, I’d missed this. Being close to him and feeling like he was really there, engaged and listening to every word.
“You were right about something,” I said in the spirit of honesty, my eyes on the ocean. “After your surgery, I wanted you to be the same man I fell in love with. I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard. I shouldn’t have put so much pressure on you.”And maybe then you never would have left.
“Hey. Don’t do that.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to his side. “It was all on me. I told you none of that was your fault. Not my leaving. Not my fucked-up head or my actions. Those months are all just hazy memories. I was going through the motions, but I wasn’t really there, you know? There was nothing you could have done differently,” he assured me.
I nodded mutely and placed my hand on his chest. His heart was beating strong and steady under my palm, and we fit together so perfectly. Like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
This felt so natural, so perfectly normal that it would be so easy to pretend our story had never been interrupted.
