Page 125 of I Dreamt That You Loved Me
I drew O’s with my plastic fork to block the X’s.
No winners in this game.
I threw down the fork and leaned back in my seat, my eyes on her.
She swallowed, waiting for me to finish. My gaze dipped to her neck.
I wanted to bury my face in it and breathe her in. Trail kisses down the side of it. Scrape my teeth over her collarbone.
I wanted to kiss her hair. Her feet. Her inner thighs.
But I was still stuck in this hell that I’d created, so I couldn’t touch her.
“I was doing a lot of drugs, and I woke up in a hospital with no idea how I got there,” I said finally.
“Gabriel.” Tears welled in her eyes, and she brushed them away angrily. “Why?”she said through clenched teeth as she lunged across the table and smacked my arm. “You have been given such a precious gift. Your music. Yourlife. Why would you do that to yourself?”
Not, why would you do that tomebut why would you do that toyourself? An important distinction.
I bit the corner of my mouth and gave it some thought before answering. “I don’t know why I had to completely lose myself before I could find my way back. I don’t know why this thing that happened to me affected me the way it did. Maybe some wires got crossed in my brain. Who knows?” I shrugged. “I was out there in the desert doing all these drugs and it was like a spiritual quest. At one point, I was convinced I was a shaman. It was a hell of a trip.”
I started laughing, but she didn’t join in.
“Stop being glib.”
I was still laughing, no idea why.
Her eyes narrowed. “Cut the shit, Gabriel. None of this is funny.”
I hung my head and rubbed the back of my neck. “I’m just trying to explain where my head was at. You asked me where I was and why I didn’t call. I didn’t call you because I was a fucking wreck. I had nothing to offer you, Cleo. Less than nothing.”
She shook her head. “You would have been enough, Gabriel. Just you.”
No, I wouldn’t have been. Not then and not when I’d first returned to New York. I’d needed to get my life together and I needed the time and space and solitude to do that. It wasn’t something anyone could help me with, and I didn’t want toburden her or the people who cared about me any more than I already had.
“And now?” I asked. “Am I still enough?”
She looked out the window. “So much time has passed. We’ve changed. We’re not the same people anymore.”
“So what?” I argued. “People grow and change and evolve all the time. Otherwise, they stagnate. That’s life, baby.”
“Yeah, I know that. That’s why couples end up getting divorced,” she volleyed. “When they change and evolve and grow in separate directions.” She stabbed her finger at me. “And don’t call me baby.”
I scrubbed my hand down my face, frustrated.
Don’t call me baby. Don’t tell me the truth. Don’t do this. Don’t do that.
What the hell was I supposed to do?
“What if we’d just met for the first time right here in this coffee shop?” I said. “Would you talk to me? Would you want to get to know me better? Or would you just walk away?”
She thought about it for a minute. “I don’t know. What would you say to me?”
I stood up. “Let’s try it.”
“What?” She laughed as I headed to the door. “Come back and sit down. This is ridiculous.”
But I walked out the door and strode half a block before turning around and strolling past the coffee shop. When I looked in the window, she was up at the counter ordering more coffee and I took that as a good sign. At least she wasn’t running away.
