Page 77 of When the Stars Rise
When I moved out to California, I found my own little tribe and as I got older, I realized that it didn’t matter if I was one of the cool kids or not. Noah had been right all along. Being yourself and just doing your own thing will attract the people you want to have in your life.
And I want Noah in my life more than anything. As a friend, a lover, and everything in between. I want us to have a future. God, I want it so badly. I know he wants to talk about our relationship and where we’re headed but I’m not ready to discuss it yet. Maybe I’m being a coward but I just need a little more time to sort things out in my head.
I guess my biggest fear is that it will end the way it did last time.
Two years ago, when Noah and I broke up the second time, it was right after Zeke died. I couldn’t believe he would even consider going on a skydiving trip. No one in their right mind would go out and do the very thing that killed their best friend only a few weeks before, right?
So I fully expected Noah to cancel the trip, but when I mentioned it, he said, “I’m going. Flight’s booked. Accommodations ready and waiting. I can’t back out now.”
“Yeah, okay. But you can still go on the trip as a travel vlogger and capture some cool footage of the scenery. You don’t have to do the skydiving part.”
“Is that what you want me to tell you, that I’m just going over there to take some pretty photos?”
“Yes,” I whispered. “That’s what I want you to tell me.” It was what I needed to hear.
“I’ll always be honest with you, Hayley. I’m not going to lie to you about this.” My stomach sank. “I’m going to Victoria Falls and I’m going to skydive and do the Gorge Swing as planned. Ineedto do this.”
I didn’t understand why he felt heneededto do it. Why couldn’t he just say no? But he wouldn’t. Or couldn’t.
I begged him to give it all up. Not just that one trip but all of it. I issued an ultimatum, desperately praying he’d choose me. But he didn’t.
He walked right out the door, went skydiving over Victoria Falls, and shattered my heart to smithereens.
It was so unfathomable that he wouldn’t choose me.
But that’s when I stopped thinking of it as a lifestyle choice and started seeing it for what it is—an addiction.
Years ago, when we were young, if anyone would have told me that Noah would chooseanythingover me, I would have laughed in their face. He always used to put me first. He once said that nothing would ever tear him away from me, and I believed him because he was just that convincing. Not just in words but in his actions.
I used to believe that nothing could ever break us apart or stand in our way.
But that was before, and this is now. So yes, he’s an addict, but Istillcan’t imagine my life without him. Maybe we’re both in denial, wishing and hoping for something that feels so unattainable.
I don’t know. But after this tour, when we’re back in California and we’ve gotten through that horrible anniversary together, we’ll sit down and talk about everything.
I’ll find a way to handle it better than I did the last time and maybe we can reach a compromise. What other choice do I have? My heart can’t handle losing him again, and I think he feels the same.
In the meantime, he’s with me and he’s safe.
So for the next few weeks, I’m not going to worry or dwell. I’m going to stay present and appreciate every moment.
We’re somewhere in Kentucky on a two-lane road that cuts through green fields, and dark clouds are rolling in from the north where we’re headed. There are no gas stations, rest stops, or restaurants along this road, and the fields won’t offer any more protection than being on the back of the bike so I’m crossing my fingers that the storm will move out and pass us by.
Just as I think it, thunder rumbles and a bolt of lightning raises all the little hairs on the back of my neck. A moment later, the first raindrop lands on the visor of my helmet and the drizzle becomes a heavy downfall, pelting my helmet and soaking through my jeans.
A river of water runs off my helmet and down my visor, blurring my vision. I have no idea how Noah can even see the road.
He swerves onto the shoulder and my heart is racing, my fingers digging into his abdomen as the tall grass from the field brushes against my leg and he maneuvers around a gigantic puddle in the middle of the road.
Oh God. Please don’t let us end up in a ditch on the side of the road.
I trust Noah’s driving skills and I know he would never let anything happen to me but I’m not sure motorcycles perform well in the rain.
My thighs are burning from clenching around Noah each time we hit a curve or dip in the road, and I know I’m supposed to be leaning into the turns, but my body has gone rigid.
Calm down. It’s just a little bit of rain.
That’s a lie. It’s torrential and feels a lot like that sudden storm in New Orleans. But this time I’m on the back of Noah’sbike, not watching from the window and the roads are starting to flood. I’m straining my eyes looking for somewhere to stop but this scenic route has taken us into the middle of nowhere.
