Page 146 of When the Stars Rise
It’s hard. I fucking hate it. I hate that I even need a therapist but here we are. Apparently, I’m an addict. I’m addicted to the adrenaline rush. Still chasing it, truth be told. I guess you can’t just walk away that easily.
So I’ve been surfing and skydiving. But that’s it. I drew the line.
The whole YouTube thing is getting a bit old so I’m keeping my options open. Picked up a few modeling gigs. Edited all the footage from Hayley’s tour and sent it over to Zoe. She said I should start a music production company. Maybe. I don’t know.
But I’m trying to get better. I’m trying my damnedest. Not just for me. But for Hayley. For us.
I don’t want to die too soon. I don’t want to leave her before I absolutely have to.
She never asked me if I wanted to die that day but maybe she never had to. I think she knows the truth. I considered it but changed my mind and Hayley rescued me. Not only by dragging me out of the ocean but just the memory of her, of us, that lives rent-free in my head.
It feels like we’ve found our way home again and I don’t want to do anything to sabotage the happiness I’ve found.
For now, Hales and I are just taking it one day at a time.
But with her by my side, I feel like I could move mountains.
I can’t even begin to describe how weird it is to carry some of Zeke’s ashes in a Ziploc bag in my pocket.
They’re all gathered in the parking lot to send me off. That feels weird too. I don’t usually have a sendoff committee.
Hayley wraps her arms around me, and my hands grip her waist as she kisses me on the lips. She tastes like sunshine, and she smells like nights in a forest, and in this moment with the sun breaking through the clouds, I love her more than I ever have.
More than I ever thought possible.
She knows all my secrets now. She knows my weaknesses and my flaws and despite it all, she still loves me.
I think I spent so many years worrying that if she ever found out the truth, she wouldn’t be able to bear looking at my face much less love me.
Thiswas my biggest fear. That the truth would ruin her. Ruin us.
But our love is stronger than that and so is she.
“I love you,” she says, a big smile on her face. No fear. No worry. Just pure love in her eyes.
“I love you more.” I turn and walk away.
“It’s not a competition,” she calls after me.
I snort. I’m a McCallister.Everythingis a competition.
Two and a half hours later, I’ve hiked to the top and leaped onto the boulder wedged in the crevice of the mountain.
The view is spectacular. It’s the kind of view that makes you feel lucky to be alive. I soak it all in. The mountains rising abovethe clouds over the fjords. The air so fresh and clean. Beauty all around me.
I take a deep breath and then I open the Ziploc and scatter Zeke’s ashes. The breeze picks them up and I look up at the sky that’s a blinding shade of blue above the clouds.
Fly high, Zeke.
I move to the edge of the boulder, and I wait for that nervous energy that usually comes right before a jump. Where I can’t wait to take the leap. But it doesn’t come.
I feel a bigger high just from drinking in the beauty of my surroundings. I’m so high on life that I don’t really need to do this.
I stand there for about fifteen minutes but make no move to check my chute.
Two men jump onto the boulder next to me. “Shit. Takes some balls to jump onto this boulder,” one of the guys says with a laugh, wiping the sweat off his forehead.
“Can’t believe some people jump from here,” his friend says.
