Page 142 of Until August
“What you said the other night… I can’t say the words back. I’m sorry.”
Kick me in the balls, why don’t you?
“There’s no rule that you have to reciprocate. Let’s just forget I said it.” I wanted to get out of this chair and walk away. What more was there to say? She was dumping my ass. End of conversation. I moved to get up, but she grabbed my arm to stop me.
“No. That’s not what I meant. I feel the same way about you. I just can’t say the words.” She shook her head. “It feels wrong. Don’t ask me why. I don’t even understand it myself.” Her eyes drifted shut. “This is so fucking hard, August.”
I didn’t know if she was talking about us, this conversation, or life. All the above, I guess. “I know. I know it is, Nic. But just say it. Tell me what you need to say, and we’ll deal with it.”
She nodded. “You know I’m so bad at letting go. But I have to let you go, August.” She looked down at the coffee in her hands and then at me. “I have to make some tough decisions, and I can’t do it with you in my life. It just wouldn’t be fair.”
This wasn’t the time to question what was fair and what wasn’t. None of this was fair.
I knew she was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Had known it all along. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.
If she was terrible at letting go, I was even worse at being left behind.
I didn’t need a shrink to tell me I had abandonment issues. If I stopped to analyze my choices, I’d recognize that they weren’t the smartest ones.
I’d fallen in love with two women in my life.
The first one left me for another man. Although she’d argue it wasn’t like that, I’d call bullshit.
The second time I’d fallen in love, I chose a woman who could never be mine.
The fact that I’d gone into it knowing the deal and was fully aware of the consequences just went to show that I needed to have my fucking head examined.
But a voice in my head told me this didn’t have to mean forever.
Despite the shitty timing and circumstances, I knew in my gut that Nicola and I belonged together.
This woman was practically made for me. She was so perfect for me that I couldn’t imagine a life with anyonebuther.
Falling in love with her was probably the easiest thing I’d ever done in my entire fucking life. And I wasn’t prepared to let her go without a fight.
“I’ll wait for you,” I said. “You’re worth it, Nicola. Nothing has ever felt this right. So go do whatever you need to do. And when you’re ready, I’ll be waiting for you.”
She set down her coffee and angled her body toward me. “You’d really do that? You’d wait for me?”
Her tone was a mixture of hopefulness and disbelief. At least, that’s what I heard. “I’ll wait for as long as it takes.” I’d gotten pretty damn good at waiting.
“I… you have no idea how much I want to say yes.”
“So just say it.”
She sucked in a deep breath and let it out, her shoulders sagging. “I can’t. I can’t do that to you. You’ve spent so many years not really living. I can’t hold you back from having a life.”
“You want me to have a life without you? Is that what you’re saying?”
She squeezed her eyes shut. “Yes.”
“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.”
Her eyes opened, and she crossed her arms over her chest. “Can’t you see? That’s why I’m doing this. It would be selfish of me to ask you to wait for me.”
I got out of my seat and leaned against the banister in front of her. “You haven’t asked. I’m offering. I’m telling you this is what I want.”
She rose from her chair, and I almost smiled when I saw the spark in her eyes like she was ready to fight me. “And I’m just supposed to go along with it?”
