Page 43 of When We Were Reckless
“No. I wasn’t asleep.”
“Are you okay?”
“I…” He was calling to ask if I was okay? I didn’t even know what to think about that. I pushed my laptop aside and leaned back against the pillows propped against my headboard. It had been almost two weeks since we’d gone to the lake, and I’d only seen him a few times at work. There had been no motorcycle rides. No intimate moments. No almost-kisses.
Jesse was busy. Mason had told me that when I asked why he hardly ever came to work anymore. But he hadn’t told me what Jesse was so busy doing, and I hadn’t bothered asking. Maybe he was busy hanging out with Tasha or some other random girl. So I’d been too scared to ask.
“I’m okay. Why are you calling?”
“I talked to Mason. He told me about your dad. Do you feel like talking about it?”
Right now, he sounded so much like the old Jesse that it made my heart hurt. He cared. He was calling to make sure I was okay. He wanted to know if I wanted to talk about it. And maybe I did. Maybe I wanted to tell him how I was feeling. Just get it all out there and untangle my mixed-up emotions.
“This whole thing is so… I don’t know… it feels like it came out of left field. I just… a big part of me has always been holding out hope that maybe my parents would settle their differences and get back together,” I admitted. “I guess… I just wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. Which sounds stupid.”
I sounded exactly like the naïve eighteen-year-old sheltered girl he’d accused me of being, but I didn’t really care right now. I just wanted to be honest and tell him how I was feeling.
“I know life doesn’t work that way,” I went on. “But I never thought my dad would become this kind of guy, you know?”
“I know. But people change. Life changes them.”
It sounded like he was talking about himself, too, and I’d seen how much Jesse had changed.
“I guess. My mom didn’t even know. So we had to be the ones to tell her.” My brothers and I had decided that it would be best rather than have her find out from mutual acquaintances or someone at work. “He didn’t even have the decency to tell her himself. That’s just… so low. They have four kids together, and now it’s like he forgot how happy they used to be. He said that he’s never loved anyone the way he loves Camilla.”
“And I just… I can’t understand how my dad could say that. I don’t understand how he could lie to us… lie to himself like that.” The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Because it wasn’t true, it couldn’t be. How could he possibly love this woman more than he’d loved Mom?
“How did your mom take the news?”
“She didn’t say much. She drank a glass of wine then went to bed. But I think… I feel like she still loves him. I just had this feeling that she never really got over him, even after what he did… she still loves him.”
Jesse was quiet for a moment, and I thought about what I’d just said. Was that how it was for him? Did he still love Alessia, despite what she’d done to him?
“Love is fucked up,” he said a few seconds later as if he’d been giving it some thought. “I don’t think you can ever truly know what another person is capable of, no matter how many years you’ve been with them.”
My breath caught in my throat, and I squeezed my eyes shut as if that would block out the pain his words had caused. When had Jesse become so cynical?
“But… I mean… you still believe in love, right?” I don’t know why I asked him that, except that I needed to hear him say he did.
“Not really, no. I don’t believe there’s one true love for everyone if that’s what you’re asking.”
How could he not believe in love anymore? How could he believe that you could never truly know another person? What about soul mates? What about true, deep,reallove? I needed to believe that it was real, that love was worth finding and keeping and fighting for.
But now he was saying he didn’t even believe in it.
I sagged against the pillows, my heart sinking to my stomach. Everything felt so hopeless.
Yet another sucker punch in the gut for me tonight. It felt like I’d not only lost my dad, but I’d lost Jesse too. Not that Jesse had ever been mine, but I’d been holding out hope that one day hecouldbe.
Optimism was so overrated.
“Do you feel like going for a ride?” His question took me by complete surprise.
My brow furrowed, trying to make sense of this.
I should have said no.
But I was still that stupid girl with hope in her heart who believed in true love. And despite all the odds stacked against us, Jesse was still the only guy I’d ever loved.
