Page 118 of When We Were Reckless
Jesse grabbed an energy drink from the fridge and jerked his chin toward the door. “Let’s sit outside. It feels stuffy in here.”
It didn’t feel stuffy. The air conditioning was on, and so were the ceiling fans, but he was already halfway out the door, so I left my seat on the sofa and joined him on the deck, where it was twenty degrees warmer than it had been inside. I took the seat next to him, a cushioned deck chair that overlooked the woods.
We were sitting close enough that when I inhaled, it was his scent that I breathed in—citrus and spice and woodiness. Masculine. Heady.Jesse.
If I moved my hand a few inches to the right, I could touch his arm. Run my fingertips over the thick veins and his golden skin and lean muscle. But tonight, it felt like an ocean separated us. So I didn’t make a move to touch him.
Maybe it was my own insecurity, or maybe it was the standoffish vibe he was giving off, but I couldn’t shake the sense of dread that had settled in the pit of my stomach. It had been there ever since Holden mentioned Alessia’s name. I had a sense of foreboding that this would change everything.
“Are you okay?” I asked finally, desperate to break the silence and get some answers.
Jesse blew out a breath and took a swig of his energy drink. “Yeah, I’m just….” He squinted into the distance, those little lines around his eyes crinkling, and I don’t know why that was so sexy, those little lines, but they were. And so was he.
And I had the overwhelming urge to cry.
God, I missed him already, and he hadn’t even left yet. So why did it feel like I’d already lost him?
“Gina called me a couple times this summer. Alessia’s mom,” he clarified.
Gina. That’s who had called him that day we rode the quad bike. It hadn’t been some random girl. It had been Alessia’s mom. I didn’t know if that made me feel better or worse.
“But I didn’t call her back,” he finished.
Now I knew what I had seen on his face earlier. Guilt.
“I was so angry with Alessia that I didn’t call Gina back. And it fucking kills me that I ignored her calls.” He studied the bottle in his hand, and I got the sense that he was lost in his thoughts and maybe he just wanted someone to listen. So I didn’t offer my opinion. I remained silent, and I waited, something I’d gotten better at this summer.
Waiting and wishing and hoping.
“She was a good woman. Whenever we went over there for dinner, she cooked all my favorite food. She’s Italian. Was.” He paused, letting the harsh reality sink in before he continued. “A lot of the food she cooked had meat in it. Bolognese. Meatballs. Chicken Parm. But she changed her recipes for me. Made them vegetarian. Gina was one of my biggest fans. Watched every single race. Before she met me, she didn’t know the first thing about motocross. But she read up on everything she could, and she knew the stats better than I did.” His lips tugged up at the corners, a small smile at the memory of Gina.
“You loved her,” I said quietly.
Jesse nodded. “Yeah, I did. Alessia used to joke that the only reason I stayed with her was so I could eat her mom’s cooking. She said her mom loved me more than her. Not true. But Gina spoiled me. Treated me like a son. I just wish like hell that I would have called her back.”
I didn’t really know what to say or how to make him feel better, so I said the only thing I could think of. “I’m really sorry, Jesse.”
He looked over at me, and it felt like he was seeing me for the first time tonight. “Come here.”
Jesse pulled me into his lap and held me close, my cheek pressed against his chest, his arm around my back, his hand wrapped around my thigh.
He wasn’t looking for sex. He was looking for someone to comfort him, I guess. He pressed his nose into my hair, and I felt his chest expand on a deep breath before he released it.
“You always smell like summertime,” he murmured. “My sunshine girl.”
I wanted to ask him if I made him happy. I thought I did. But I didn’t ask.
We sat in silence, and I held my hand over his heart, comforted by the steady beat, his chest rising and falling on each breath, and in the quiet, a tidal wave of emotions crashed over me. The feeling was so strong, so potent that it left me breathless.
I loved him so much. I always had, but over these past few weeks, that love had gotten stronger and deeper. It wasn’t just a girlhood crush. My love for him was so deeply embedded that I’d have to rip out a piece of my heart to be free of it.
I wanted to say the words. But I couldn’t. Not now. Maybe never.
Because I knew he would go to Alessia. I knew he would pay his respects to a woman who had treated him like a son. And he would try to comfort Alessia. Because that’s who he was.
No matter how much I wished it could be different, you couldn’t erase history. Jesse couldn’t pretend he’d never loved her. He couldn’t pretend that a part of him didn’t still care about her.
My mom said you never forget your first love. You never really get over it.
