Page 129 of When the Storm Breaks
“What happened with Hayley?” Obviously, Lila hadn’t been telling me the whole truth about what was going on in Noah’s life. Last weekend, he hadn’t even wanted to see me, and I’d said it was fine, not wanting to force him to spend time with me if he didn’t want to.
“Her mom and dad said you’re a bad man. Because you beat people up. And they don’t want her around you anymore.”
My eyes closed briefly. Then I crouched in front of him. I’d been so caught up in my own shit that I hadn’t really sat down to talk to him or tried to explain things. I’d left it up to Lila, thinking it would be better coming from her. He was confused, and I couldn’t blame him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I never…” I stopped talking and ran my hand through my hair. Fuck, I hated myself right now. The shame was eating me up inside. Making it hard to breathe. And I didn’t know what to say or do to make his world a better place.
“I made a lot of mistakes in my life, Noah. And I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of. But there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do to make your life better. What do you need from me? What can I do to make this better for you? Name it and I’ll do it.” There was probably something in the parenting manual that said this was the wrong approach. I was asking my own kid to tell me how to fix this, and there was something so fucked up about that. But I didn’t have the answers. I’d disappointed my boy. Had failed him miserably. Had done everything I always promised I wouldn’t. And guess what? Parenting didn’t come with a manual. When you fucked up, you had to figure out how to fix it on your own.
“If you go away, Hayley can come over,” he said.
I rose to my feet and staggered back like I’d been struck. That would have hurt a hell of a lot less.
“Noah. You don’t want that,” Lila said. “Your daddy loves you and he would do anything in the world for you. You know that.” She’d never had to play mediator between me and Noah before and I hated that she was having to do it now. I didn’t want that either.
“It’s okay. Let him speak his own truth,” I told Lila, my gaze returning to Noah. “Is that what you want? You want me to leave?”
Noah considered my question, not answering right away. Then he asked, “Was he a bad guy?”
“Who?” I didn’t know if he was talking about my sperm donor or someone else.
“The guy you punched on the video. Was he a bad guy?”
“He… said some things about Shiloh that weren’t very nice.”
Noah gave that a moment’s thought. “You were standing up for her?”
Not sure I deserved to be let off the hook, but it was the damn truth, so I nodded. “But fighting isn’t the best way to settle a disagreement.”
“I know. Mommy always tells me that.”
“I’m sorry, Noah.”I’m sorry that I’m human and flawed and a total fuck-up.
He looked at Lila then back at me. “It’s okay. You can come to my party. And maybe… Imightwant that present.”
I laughed a little, relief flooding my body. “You think so?”
He nodded vigorously. “I really do want it.”
I handed him the present and he clutched it to his chest and granted me a smile before he ran into the family room to open his gift. Lila gave me a sad little smile. “How are you holding up?”
“I’ve been better. But shit happens, right?”
“God, this is just… so unreal. I can’t believe…” She didn’t finish her sentence, but I knew what she was referring to. “What were the chances?”
One in a million. About the same odds that a cowboy would end up with a rock star.
“Right now, I’m more worried about Noah than anything else.”
“He’s going to be okay,” she said as we walked into the family room. Everyone was already gathered. It wasn’t the party we’d planned but they’d tried to make it festive, the room decorated with Spider-Man streamers and balloons, a Spider-Man cake on the sideboard next to a bowl of red punch with black candy spiders floating in it.
“Brody,” Lila said, sucking in a sharp breath when Noah lifted the cowboy boots out of the box then flashed around the photo of a horse so everyone in the room could see it. “What did you do?”
I bought my kid a goddamn horse. That was what I’d done. Was I trying to buy his love? Was it guilt? I didn’t know. But I’d gone ahead and done it. As long as I had that horse in my stables, Noah would want to come over and see it, ride it, spend time at the ranch. Yeah, I was pathetic.
Noah ran over to me with the photo, his eyes wide. “Is he mine?”
“He’s all yours.”
“What’s his name?”
