Page 84 of When the Stars Fall
Chapter Thirty
Jude
“Did you want to die,Jude? Is that what you wanted?”
“No,” I lied. “I don’t even remember taking those pills and I have no idea how I ended up in that field.”
“I’m sorry. I know I’m saying all the wrong things. I just... I love you. We’ll get through this together, okay?”
I tried to smile. “Yeah. Okay.” I squeezed her hand. “You and me, baby. Forever.”
“Promise? I need you to promise me, Jude.”
“Promise.” I’d become such a skilled liar, I was almost starting to believe myself.
Empty promises and lies. I had nothing to offer her.
I knew I had to leave her. It was just a matter of time until I did something else to hurt her.
Six weeks later, I reached the point of no return.
Chapter Thirty-One
Lila
I buriedmy face in his pillow, my salty tears soaking the cotton. I cried for him and I cried for the baby we lost. I cried for the boy he used to be and the future that had been ripped away from us.
I cried an ocean and still, it wasn’t enough.
I waited an entire week to read the letter he left me. I don’t know why I waited so long. Maybe I was scared that reading his words would make it real. If I didn’t read his goodbye note, I could pretend he’d just gone out to buy coffee and cinnamon donuts and any minute he’d waltz through the front door and call out, “I’m home, baby.”
Now I sat on the sofa in our dingy beige apartment and I poured myself another glass of wine. After a fortifying sip, I took a deep breath and slid the letter out of the envelope. It was written on loose-leaf pages, the edges ragged from where he’d ripped it out of the spiral notebook.
When I unfolded the letter, a check fell into my lap. I picked it up and studied it. I knew how much he had in his savings account. It was the exact same number written on the check. As if emptying his bank account would make up for him not being here. I ripped the check into tiny pieces and tossed them into the air, watching the confetti rain down on the leather sofa and the parquet floor.
I don’t want your money, asshole. All I ever wanted was you.
I started reading the letter written in his bold print. He never wrote letters in cursive and over the years we’d exchanged a lot of letters. But this would be the last one I’d ever get from him, so I read it slowly, searching for the nuance in every single word he wrote.
Dear Lila,
There are only so many times a person can say they’re sorry before the words become meaningless. But I’ll say it again for the millionth time.
I’m sorry.
I can’t do this anymore.
I can’t keep hurting you and pretend it’s okay. I can’t turn a blind eye, knowing that the source of all our problems is me. I used to believe that I could make you happier than any other man ever could. I used to believe that I was worthy of your love. Or, at the very least, that I could strive to be. But I’m not that man anymore. And you deserve so much better.
I promised you that I would never leave you but I have to. If I stay, I’ll only destroy you.
At first, you might not see it this way but in time you’ll come to realize that I did the best thing I could for you. I’m leaving because I love you. I love you so fucking much that it’s killing me to watch you suffer because of me. Every day I’ve watched you fade until all the light in your eyes was gone, and I knew it was because of me. I did that to you. I took the light out of your eyes when all I ever wanted to do was make you shine brighter.
Ever since the day we met, I’ve wanted to protect you and keep you safe. But what happens when the biggest threat to your safety is the man you live with? The man who claims to love you above all others? What kind of man have I become that I would subject you to so much pain and suffering? The kind of man you don’t need in your life.
All I want is for you to be happy. And the only way I know how to do that is to set you free.
The stars are still in the sky, baby. Just open your eyes and look up. On the darkest nights, they shine the brightest. And one day soon you’ll see that you never really needed me to put them back in the sky for you. You’re strong and brave and fierce. You’re a goddamn warrior, Rebel. The real hero in our story.
