Page 75 of When the Stars Fall
She shook her head, tears glittering in her eyes. “Who are you?”
I had no answer for her. Wrapping my hands around her waist, I lifted her off me and set her down. She stood under the spray of the shower with her eyes closed and her arms wrapped around herself for protection. From me.
Sensing she wanted to be alone, I left her in the shower.
Dressed in jeans and a T-shirt, the water in the shower was still running as I took a quick bump from my secret stash, just enough to perk me up, make a dark day brighter. I checked that my nose was clean in the mirror above the dresser before I walked to the kitchen. My stomach churned and I wasn’t the least bit hungry but I wanted to do something nice for Lila. So I cooked breakfast. A peace offering. A pathetic attempt at normalcy.
By the time she joined me in the kitchen, her omelet was cold and the buttered toast was rubbery. But I set it in front of her anyway, along with the plate of bacon and a glass of orange juice. She was wearing a hoodie and sweats, her wet hair in a bun and her face free of makeup. She looked so fresh and clean, as if she’d scrubbed every last trace of me off her skin. Lila still had five freckles on her nose. And she was, to me, still the most beautiful thing I’d ever laid eyes on.
I loved her.
Irrevocably. Wholly. Madly.
And I was slowly but surely ruining the very best thing in my life.
She looked down at her plate but didn’t touch the food. “Thank you.”
I nodded and poured her a cup of coffee, refilling my own mug before I sat down across from her at our small kitchen table in our cramped kitchen in our shitty apartment.
“I’m sorry.” It was the only thing I could think of to fill the silence.
“I know you are.” She nibbled on a piece of bacon then dropped it on her plate and I nearly cried like a fucking baby. Because I needed her to eat this fucking breakfast. I needed to do something to make everything better but I had no idea what that something was.
“Tell me something good, Jude.”
I racked my brain before coming up with the most obvious answer. “You. You’re something good.”
She shook her head. “And what else?”
“Wild at Heart is good. You’re making it a success just like I knew you would.”
Six weeks ago, Christy and Lila opened their new business. My dad and I had done all the work on the cedar-shingled shed that housed their floral design studio. We knocked out a wall and replaced it with French doors. Built zinc-topped wood islands for their floral arranging. Fitted wood cabinets and shelves to hold all their supplies and tools. Poured a smooth concrete floor and clad the walls with rustic wood. It was a cool place and Lila was happy, excited about her new venture, and that’s what mattered most to me. Her happiness.
“You can’t think of anything that’s good in your own life?”
No. “Youare my life.”
“That’s what I was afraid of.” She reached into the pocket of her hoodie and tossed something on the table. I stared at the pink plus sign for so long it started to blur.
“Jude?”
“Baby,” I croaked. The bitter bile of self-loathing burned the back of my throat. The diamond on her finger caught the light from the kitchen window as she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. I’d proposed to her two Christmases ago. On bended knee, I’d promised to always love her, to never leave her, and to always strive to be the best man I could be for her. I’d promised her the world and I had yet to deliver.
My eyes met hers and I saw the fear and the worry circling in their green depths on what should have been a happy occasion. I stood up from the table and pulled her out of the chair and into my arms. She held on tightly, her cheek pressed against my chest, and I closed my eyes and made her promises I prayed I could keep.
“I won’t let you down again, Rebel. I promise I’ll be there for you. Every step of the way.” I kissed the top of her head and she pulled away, tipping her face up. “I love you, Rebel. I love you so fucking much.”
“Are you happy about this? I mean... I know it’s not the best timing but...”
“It’s always a good time for a baby. We’re having a baby.”
“Yeah, we are.” Worry had her gnawing on her bottom lip. “Do you think it’s too much too soon?”
“No. I want it all.” And I did. I wanted this baby. I wanted us to be a family. Everything would be better.Iwould be better. “But you need to eat your breakfast. I’ll make a new omelet, okay? How about a stack of pancakes? You know what? I’ll just make everything.”
She laughed a little. “An omelet is good. Don’t go overboard.”
“Ask me the question again.”
