Page 130 of When the Stars Fall
“I have a lot to prove, but this isn’t one of them. I can mentally prepare myself for a firework display.”
I hated that a firework display was something he had to mentally prepare himself for. That he had to work this hard. But at the same time, I admired his strength and all the hard work he’d done to get to this place.
So we stayed for the fireworks.
He wrapped his arms around me from behind and I leaned back against his solid chest, felt the strength in his arms and my heartbeat kicked up a notch. I didn’t know how hard it was for him to do this or how much he wished he could be anywhere but here. But he did it.
When I tipped my head back to look at him, his eyes met mine, the fireworks reflected on his face highlighted the sheen of sweat. But still, he smiled and I returned the smile.
I looked over at Noah who was sitting with all the other kids in the open field, his face rapt as the fireworks exploded, lighting up the dark sky. As if he could sense us watching him, Noah dragged his attention away from the fireworks and gave us a big smile. “These are cool. Right, Uncle Jude?”
“So cool. Best thing ever.”
“Yeah.” Smile still firmly in place, Noah focused on the fireworks again, and a part of me wished that he could stay so young and innocent forever. That he’d never know the pain of heartbreak or the effects of war or have to mourn the death of a loved one. But that wasn’t how life worked.
* * *
Noah was finallyasleep and fingers crossed he was out for the count. Closing his door softly, I padded down the hallway in my bare feet, the skirt of my dress swishing against my thighs. Exhausted, I flopped onto the bed next to Jude who was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. He was still wearing his dress shirt untucked and pants, the jacket of his tux hanging on my closet door.
“This feels like prom night,” I said, rolling onto my side and propping my head on my hand.
He laughed a little. “On prom night, we barely got through the door before we were ripping each other’s clothes off.”
“You’re right. We’re overdressed.”
“We were supposed to be married with four kids by now.” He sounded so sad that it ripped my heart in two.
“We can’t think about what could have been.”
“But you do, don’t you? You think about it. I never thought I’d be that guy, Rebel. I used to think that I was too strong to let something fuck with my head like that. It was something that happened to other guys, not me. And when I look back at that time, I still can’t believe it was me.”
I placed my hand over his heart. “It wasn’t you. It was someone else. It wasn’tmyJude.”
“It was me, baby. And I’d give anything to take back all the pain and suffering I put you through.”
“And I’d give anything to take away all the pain and suffering you went through. But I think… you did what you set out to do, Jude. And I was so proud of you. The few. The proud. The Marines. Semper Fi. You were my hero.”
“Until I became a monster.”
“Not a monster. Not a god. A mere mortal, just like the rest of us. You tried so hard but you didn’t have the right support and I just wish… I wish we could have found you the help you needed. I wish love had been enough to heal you.”
“Nobody could have loved me better. You’re my once in a lifetime.”
“And you’re mine. Why does everything have to be so hard for us?”
“I don’t know, baby. I guess that’s just how we are. The bull and the lion.”
“You’re my Odysseus.”
“You’re my Penelope.”
“So why does it still feel like you haven’t found your way home yet? Why am I so scared that you aren’t here to stay?”
“I don’t know. What more can I do to prove it to you?”
I didn’t have an answer.
“Let me show you,” he said. “Let me show you what coming home feels like.”
