Page 66 of Sweet Chaos
She stared at it for a second then started laughing as she took it from me and I returned to my seat. “Oh my God. That is so you. We have Kleenex on the kitchen counter.”
“Does the same job.”
She unwound a few strips of toilet paper, wiped her eyes, and blew her nose while Shane and I watched her closely trying to figure out where her head was at. I’d only seen Remy cry that hard twice in my life. Both times for Shane. She hadn’t shed a tear after that asshole almost raped her. She hadn’t shed a single tear when we were abandoned at the truck stop. Or any of the other times Mom had left us behind. So, I hadn’t expected her to break down like that because of our mother.
“It kills me that you felt you had to do that on your own, Dylan.” Her eyes filled with tears again and she wiped them away, and only then did it dawn on me. She wasn’t crying for Mom. She was crying for me. “I’m so angry at her for making you feel like it was your job to protect her. I’m so angry that you never got a childhood. I look at Kai and I just think… I’d never want my baby to go through everything you did.”
“It wasn’t just me, Rem. You went through it too. You had it worse than I did.” Like this was a stupid contest and we were competing over who had it worse.
“I didn’t. She… you were the one she always dragged into her shit. You were the one she always turned to. I remember how you used to bring her home from the bar when she was drunk. And I used to stand outside her door and listen. You were so good with her. You used to always tell her to sleep it off, that things would look better tomorrow. And then when she left us, you thought it was your responsibility to pay our rent and our bills. It was never your burden to carry alone but you always did. You were so stubborn. I had you to look after me, but you didn’t have anyone, Dylan. You were so alone.”
“Don’t dredge up the past. It’s ancient history.” I was a hypocrite for saying that. I’d spent the past few weeks doing nothingbutdredging up the past. And what I’d concluded was that it was better off staying buried.
“Just… please. I need you to know how much I love you for everything you did. I need you to know that you’re not alone, Dylan. I’ll always be here for you, okay?Always.”
I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t even swallow past the lump in my throat. And it took me a good few minutes of silence before I was able to speak. Clearing my throat, I asked, “Are you okay?”
“About Mom?”
I nodded.
“I have Shane. I have Kai. I have you. So I know I’m going to be fine. But I could have been there for you, Dylan.”
“It’s done. It’s over. I’m good. Let’s move on.”
“You’re not good, Dylan. I just wish… I wish you could find what I have. I want you to be happy. Find someone special. Get married. Have a family.”
“I’m not like you, Rem. I never wanted those things.” That wasn’t entirely true. I liked the idea of all that but in reality, I didn’t see it happening for me.
She gave me a sad smile that I couldn’t bear to look at. It was time for me to go. I’d delivered my news, having edited out the parts she didn’t need to hear, and Shane would look after her from here. Just like he had been doing for years.
* * *
The following night Shane paid me a visit. “This feels familiar. Like we’ve been here before,” he said, sliding down against the glass fence to sit next to me on my manicured lawn. The last time Shane and I sat here together was nearly two years ago, the night Sienna and I called it quits for good.
This was my favorite spot to sit, under the stars with a view of the hills and the canyon and a sliver of sea in the distance. When I bought this house, it was this view that made me appreciate how far I’d come. Like I was sitting on top of the world. Still looking down the bottom of the bottle though. Proof that I was still the same fucked-up guy I’d always been.
The only thing that had changed was that my booze was more expensive, and my view was better.
I took another swig of whiskey, feeling the burn as it slid down my throat. The alcohol made all the edges blur, the lights from the houses in the hills a hazy glow.
“Did Remy send you?” I asked.
“She’s worried about you, but I came on my own.”
I offered him the bottle, but he declined so I took another fortifying drink.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Since when had Ieverwanted to talk aboutanything? “Nothing to talk about.”
He side-eyed me. “Then I’ll just sit here for a while. Stargazing.” That lasted for all of twenty seconds. “You should call Scarlett.”
“Whatever happened to stargazing?”
“Change of plan.”
“Why would I call Scarlett?” I couldn’t help asking.
