Page 95 of Wilder Love
She leaned her shoulder against mine and we looked out at the ocean through the rough wood railings, our legs dangling over the side of the pier. This was the beach where I’d learned to surf. I could still envision Jimmy teaching me and Dylan how to paddle out and do pop-ups on the sand. Dylan had listened to everything Jimmy told us to do and had followed his instructions, without complaining or making any smart-ass comments. This was the beach where I’d surfed with Shane all those mornings when I was just learning, and he was so patient with me, making little comments that turned me into a better surfer without making me feel like an idiot. This was the beach that we’d ridden our bikes to on our seventeenth birthday, drunk and high and nauseous from cupcakes, with Sienna on Dylan’s handlebars.
Memories were such a bittersweet thing.
The beach was quiet at this early hour, and I watched the seagulls dip and dive over the water and listened to the sound of the surf as I drank my coffee next to the girl who used to be my best friend.
“I wish it could have been different for you guys,” I told Sienna, and I meant that sincerely. “I wish it could have all worked out.”
“I know, babes. I’m sorry you had to choose sides. That’s why we never wanted to get you involved. He’s your twin. I knew where your loyalty would lie.”
“I love you too though,” I said. “And I know Dylan… he’s not always easy. Why does love have to hurt so much?”
“It shouldn’t. It doesn’t always.”
“You had good times, right?”
“If we didn’t have good times, we wouldn’t have kept going back for more.”
I sighed.
“So… you and Shane? What’s the deal?”
I sighed again. “We tried the whole sex with no strings attached gig.”
Sienna snorted. “How did that work out?”
“Not so great. I mean, the sex was great. But the rest of it sucked.” I had too many feelings for Shane and sex without love just made me feel too empty.
“It doesn’t work with someone you already love. Someone you have a history with. It’s like trying to put a Jenga tower back in the box.”
I puzzled over that one for a minute. “Is it really though?”
She laughed. “Or like… when you get an inflatable for your pool and after you blow it up, you try to…”
“Fit it back in the box?”
“Exactly.”
We were both laughing too hard to worry if that made sense. Sienna wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled at me. “I miss you, babes.”
“Miss you too.”
But we both knew that we’d never be as close as we used to be. Our friendship would never be the same. Too much had happened. Too much history, and too many times when I’d been forced to choose Dylan’s side over Sienna’s. I would always choose him, even when he acted like an ass or shut me out, he was my soul twin and Sienna had known that from the start.
We talked for another hour, about her job as an events coordinator and my modeling career which I hadn’t missed at all since I’d come back. It was funny how easy it had been to walk away from modeling. Now I just had to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
After I left Sienna, I took a drive up the coast and listened to Bastian’s new album, playing the title song “Blue Ghost” on repeat. Was that really me? I’d like to think it was the eighteen-year-old Remy that Bastian had first met in LA and that I’d come a long way since then but some days… I wasn’t so sure.
* * *
“Got you covered,Jimmy. I brought the good shit.” Dylan produced a bag of weed and tossed it on the patio table in front of Jimmy. His contribution to our Sunday evening dinner.
“I was hoping you’d bring a six-pack and some hotdogs,” Jimmy teased.
“Well, you can’t always get what you want,” Dylan said, cracking open a beer from the six-pack I brought and putting up his feet on the patio table like he owned the joint.
I shoved his feet off the table and they hit the ground with a thud. He scowled at me but kept his feet on the ground and leaned back in his seat to drink his beer in the summer sun. It was odd to see Dylan here, talking and joking with Jimmy, looking perfectly at ease in a place that I’d come to think of as a second home. With a man who was like family to me.
Shane and I took over the food prep and stood side by side in the kitchen, skewering the vegetables we’d cut into chunks for our kebabs.
