Page 72 of Wilder Love
“Don’t do that to yourself. I never blamed you. It wasn’t your fault, understand?”
It was though. It was all my fault.
“You’re here now. It’s all good.”
It’s all good. Was he high? Well, yeah, that was some good shit, apparently.
I thought about the bills on the kitchen counter and I knew that Shane and Jimmy couldn’t afford to pay them. But I could. That was one way I could help Shane. Too bad if it made him angry. He’d have to find a way to live with it.
“Can I get you something? Is there anything you need?” I wracked my brain, trying to think of what he could want or need. If it was within my power, I would get it for him. I’d even be his dealer if he needed me to get him more weed. Whatever he wanted or needed, I wanted him to know I would be here for him.
“You and Shane. Both playing nurse. At least you’re prettier to look at.”
I forced a laugh, but it sounded hollow. “I don’t know… Shane’s awfully pretty.”
“Tell me where you’ve been, kiddo. How’s the world been treating you?”
I settled back in my seat, relaxing slightly. He might be dying, but he was here now, and he sounded like his old self. He didn’t want me to mourn his loss while he was still very much alive.
“The world… well, I’ve seen a lot of it. I traveled to all those places I used to dream about.”
“And how did the reality live up to the dream?”
I smiled. “Sometimes it did and sometimes it didn’t.”
“That’s life, isn’t it? What’s your plan now?”
“I don’t have one. I can be your nurse.”
He chuckled. “Not ready for that yet. I’ve still got some living to do.”
That was good to hear, but I was still trying to wrap my head around the reality.
“How about your photography?”
“That was just a hobby.”
He shrugged one shoulder. “Do something you love, and the money will follow. Or not. Doesn’t matter. Just be happy.”
That was Jimmy’s attitude. It always had been. It wasn’t something I had ever fully understood. But maybe it was the right attitude. I wanted to ask him what had happened to his surf shop. But I was scared to bring it up. I had a sinking feeling it was another casualty of the whole mess I’d created.
“Why did you come back?” he asked, cocking his head as he studied my face. It was another gesture that reminded me so much of Shane.
“Dylan told me Shane was back. He told me he saw him… back in February. I was in Paris for Fashion Week when he called me.” That sounded so strange, another world away. “Anyway, I’d been thinking about taking a break from modeling and I felt like… I needed to come back and make sure he was okay. Or… I don’t know. Justseehim. Confront the past, you know? So here I am.”
He nodded like that was perfectly reasonable behavior. I came back for Shane. I came back to see if he was okay and now that I knew it was so much worse than anything I could have imagined, I wasn’t sure what to do next.
“I’m glad you’re here. You’re just what Shane needs.”
I laughed at his words. “I’m pretty sure I’m the last thing he wants or needs. He wants nothing to do with me.”
Jimmy chuckled. “Sure he doesn’t.”
I cleared the table, telling Jimmy to sit down and relax when he tried to help. I needed something to do, something that might make me feel useful even though I was helpless. I couldn’t heal Jimmy. I couldn’t fix Shane. But I could pay their bills. So, I tucked them in my purse before I returned to Jimmy who was relaxing in a deck chair like he didn’t have a care in the world. I wished I could channel some of his Zen into my own life.
“Do you need anything?” I asked, looking around the backyard for something to do that might be helpful but everything appeared to be in order. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Idon’t need a damn thing.”
