Page 114 of Beneath Your Beautiful
Over the past month, I’d been trying to get the vision of that night out of my head. Trying not to think about everything thatcouldhave gone wrong. If she’d taken a bullet instead of me. If that guy with his hands wrapped around her neck had squeezed the life out of her. A million what ifs invaded my brain, and I kept trying to shut them out. Just like I tried to shut out the memories of watching Seamus get shot in the head, of the bodies and the rivers of blood on the living room floor.
In Montauk, Eden and I watched the sun rise over the ocean every morning and we walked the beach to Ditch Plains to watch the surfers. It was cold, but we had sunshine every day for the week we spent there, and it was quiet, not overrun with summer tourists. I rented a beachfront house with ocean views from our bedroom windows. While we were there, living in our own little world, I understood the allure of running away from it all. We tried to forget everything that had happened, and for the first few days we didn’t talk about it. But reality caught up to us, and we couldn’t hide from it forever. We needed to sort out our lives and figure out a way to move on.
In the two weeks we’d been back in Brooklyn, living in her apartment, she painted her new art piece. We worked at the bar. We tried to get back to a normal life. And after discussing it with Eden, I spoke to Louis about Zeke buying me out. Louis wasn’t overly surprised, and said he was cool with it. Louis and I met with Zeke and his dad, and the deal went through two days ago. On that same day, I took Eden to look at the loft apartment on the Greenpoint waterfront. She loved the soaring ceilings, the exposed brick walls, the amazing light. The view of Manhattan, the chef’s kitchen, and the walk-in shower. So, I bought it.
“I need to pay you rent,” she said.
Like I’d take her money. “You’re not paying rent. So, get over yourself, Sunshine.”
“But this place is super expensive. I can’t just live here for free.”
“I don’t need your money.”
“I don’t want to be a kept woman.”
I laughed. She pursed her lips and crossed her arms.
“I’ll pay for the food and the utilities,” she said.
Oh God. Stubborn woman. “We’ll see.” That was a no.
“We should call Connor. Ask him to come and see it,” she said, her voice hopeful.
Connor wouldn’t be living with us. Eden knew that, but she kept trying to change my mind. Three grueling, painful shrink sessions under my belt, and a lot of conversations with Eden, but I was nowhere near ready to forgive Connor. The only thing I’d ever asked of him was honesty. When he first came back from Florida, I suspected he was hiding something, but because he’d been drug-free, I pushed it to the back of my mind. Stupid me.
I still hadn’t come to terms with my father’s death either. Did I truly forgive him? I wasn’t sure. And Johnny, well, I was working on trying to forgive myself.
I had my work cut out for me, but in a lot of ways, I was in a better place than I’d been before I met Eden. All I wanted now was to make sure she never regretted choosing me. After my conversations with her dad, I came so close to walking away, thinking it was the best thing I could do for her. Call me selfish, call it whatever you want, but I couldn’t do it. I meant everything I said that night in her living room. She was mine, I was hers, and I wasn’t letting her go.
“Ready?” I asked, taking a final look at her surfer girl.
“I’m ready for anything,” she said as we climbed down the fire escape, with me leading the way.
“Living with me, you’ll need to be.”
“I just thought of another way to help out with rent.”
“Daily blow jobs?”
“Are you a mind reader?”
“Only when you’re thinking dirty thoughts. Keep ‘em coming, and I’ll keep reading.”
She laughed loudly then clapped a hand over her mouth. Her eyes widened at the sound of glass crunching. We stopped at the bottom of the fire escape and she pressed her body against my back. I felt her trembling as her arms wrapped around my middle for support. I hated that something unknown had the power to scare her. I wanted to make her fearless again, but the shrink said it wouldn’t happen overnight. Shit like this takes time.
“Dude, we need to climb to the top,” a voice said.
“Totally.”
The voices were male, but they sounded young. “It’s okay,” I assured her.
“I know,” she whispered, but she didn’t loosen her hold on me.
The two guys were tall and skinny and scared shitless when they came face to face with me. “Oh…hey…um…” one of them mumbled.
I glared at them. “It’s not safe to climb.” I pointed to the gate. “Leave the way you came.”
They exchanged a look before they nodded and scurried away, with us following a short distance behind them. When we were on the other side of the fence, and the kids had taken off down the street, I pulled Eden into my arms. “Tomorrow morning we’re starting those self-defense lessons.”
