Page 54 of My Sweetest Agony
And I’m tempted.
If Cam weren’t with me, my feet might have moved farther into the water.
I might have let it lure me away from the safety of the shore.
But not with Camden here.
Not with his arm brushing against mine.
Not with the breeze bringing his citrusy, leathery scent into each breath.
He’s a reminder that I’m not alone, no matter how much I may feel that way.
I inhale deeply, then let it out, squeezing my eyes closed, tightening my grip on the urn. Drew’s face fills my mind, that lopsided smile he gave me that always made my blood heat and heart melt for him. The feel of his hands on me, his body sprawled across mine. His kiss and the way it always washed away the world around us and ensured my entire focus was him and the way he loved me.
Whatever secrets he had will probably always stay that way, but he never withheld his love from me, and I’ll cling to that, use it as a life raft when it feels like I’m floating in the black, fathomless ocean of pain.
How do I say goodbye to him? How do I let go of everything we had and all the promises for the future?
Anguish rushes over me like a wave crashing onto the shore where we stand, but unlike those lapping at our feet, this one threatens to drown me. To drag me down into that dark void where I can unleash it all and let it consume me at the same time.
My knees start to buckle, but Cam slides his arm around my waist. Holding me steady. Giving me his strength when all of mine is gone. Sharing my despair and reminding me that he’s still right here. Right where I need him to be more than I’ll ever want to admit.
I force myself to swallow through the sob lodged in my throat, to get out some words even if they’re the wrong ones. “I love you, Drew, and I hope—”—I choke out a ragged breath—“I hope that wherever you are, you know that I always will.”
It’s all I can say before the tears and sobs completely take over.
Cam tugs at the lid of the urn and gets it free, but I can’t look into it.
I can’t see Drew that way. It would break me even more than I already have been. I have to keep seeing him the way he is in my head, how he looked that night before he left the house, smiling down at me in the bed as he made love to me and made me unravel in his arms.
Cam’s hand shifts around the edge, sliding over one of mine, his warmth engulfing it and stopping the trembling. I open my eyes and peek over at him instead of what’s in our hands, locking my gaze with his tormented, dark-blue one. His face bears the evidence of his tears, the lines they left on his cheeks reflecting the moonlight.
He gives me a simple nod, then we tilt the urn and release the ashes.
The light breeze immediately catches them, and despite my reservation about looking at the contents of the small container, I turn to watch them float into the water.
They disappear into the churning waves at the shoreline, and something inside me snaps.
That last little string that tethered me to the hope that this was all some awful nightmare I might wake up from someday.
That delusion that he might walk back through that front door.
That fantasy that Drew wasn’t gone.
It vanishes with the last of his ashes.
15
CAM
I stare at the water.
The dark waves crash against the shore as the ocean starts to surge with the incoming storm that threatens to steal all the moonlight with each passing cloud.
Ivy turns into me, burying her face to my chest as her sobs rend the night air.
Hot tears slide down my cheeks.
