Page 40 of Pushing Daisy
“Of course you didn’t. How would you?”
“Good point. Do you want to talk about it? I know we aren’t friends, but I think we’ve managed maybe to cross the border into acquaintance land after this weekend. I could be a good impartial listener,” Sloan suggests, conjuring a tissue and offering it to Daisy.
Daisy takes it and blows her nose. “‘Want’ is a strong word.” She pauses, waiting to see if Sloan will move on or ask her something. When she doesn’t, Daisy decides to open the door for her and says, “What do you want to know?”
“What happened between you and your ex?”
The question takes Daisy by surprise. Despite having talked about it previously, she expected more questions about her parents and everything she was feeling around that.
“With Stella? The short of it is that it fizzled out.”
“What’s the long of it?”
Daisy scoots over to lean against the repaired bed, which she will need to thank Sloan for at some point. She brings her knees up to her chest, wraps her arms around them, turns her head to the side, and rests her cheek on top. “I was the problem. As I am in all my relationships. When we ended things, she told me I had issues with trust and allowing people to get close to me. She said I tend to keep everyone at arm’s length because I fear they will do something to harm me. I have my parents to thank for that.”
Daisy wipes a stray tear from the corner of her eye before taking a deep breath and continuing. “Nothing like being lied to for half your life, only to find out your parents are serious criminals. Anyway, she wanted something deeper, and I couldn’t give that to her. So we—well, she—ended it. Despite a rough break, she apparently still cares and came to help me a couple of weeks ago when I drunk-dialed her crying or something after everything went down with my parents.”
Sloan nods along, listening but not interrupting. It’s refreshing. Petra would have chimed in at least twice by now and tried to offer some opinion.
“Relationship-wise, I felt that we were a pretty good fit. We had fun and enjoyed each other’s company, and what more could you want in a relationship? I thought we were good. We agreed when we started seeing each other that we didn’t want anything serious, but somewhere along the way, she decided she did, and I wasn’t giving that to her. It’s really nothing nefarious. We wanted different things, and so it didn’t work out.”
“I’m sorry.”
Daisy sniffles. “Nothing to be sorry about. We just weren’t right for each other.” A comfortable silence falls between them. Sloan’s hand inches toward hers, her pinky finger reaching out to loop into Daisy’s.
Sloan takes a deep breath. “When did you know you were bi?”
Again, the question surprises her.
“I think I’ve known, on some level, my whole life. I’ve always found both men and women attractive. I looked at them both the same way, curious about them, and developed crushes on both as a preteen and teenager. As a young child, that interest first showed as an equal pull to both boys and girls for friendships. I was that odd child who would bounce around friend groups, playing sports with the boys and dolls with the girls. Well, I bounced around until you all decided I wasn’t worthy of having friends,” Daisy says, unable to stop the jab before it’s out. “But it wasn’t until that preteen age when people started to ask which celebrity I had a crush on that I realized I was different. I started to think about what it would be like to kiss some of the girls at school and thought that was as exciting as kissing the boys.” Daisy wipes a lingering tear. “I really thought that was normal until I got a little bit older, and some of the girls started teasing me about how I was ‘obsessed with them’ because I wanted to be around them so much. I thought we all had crushes on each other. I didn’t really know what bisexuality was at the time and didn’t know anyone else who felt the same way I did. It wasn’t until I left high school that I started to find others like me. The dating pool in Leeside has always been small, but the queer community is even smaller. Once I started to meet others in the queer community, I thought I had finally found my people, but being a bisexual, I was still seen as different. I was too greedy, or I needed to choose. I was queer, but not queer enough. What’s funny is that while I was seen as different within the queer community, I was never ostracized from the overall Leeside community for being queer. We seem to accept people for who they are, but the challenge comes when the issue is what people do. Which, I get it, what my parents did was horrible. But I wish I didn’t feel the fallout too. What about you? When did you know you weren’t straight?”
Daisy feels Sloan’s eyes watching her as if trying to determine if there is some ulterior motive. But there’s none. Her eyes travel Daisy’s body, and it feels like a soft caress, a ghostly touch that sends goosebumps down to her toes.
Sloan inhales a sharp breath, then begins. “I think, like you, deep down, I always knew. On some level, I have always appreciated the beauty of the female form. I love our curves, our softness, how we’re anything but soft. We are so full of power and strength. I had girls who were friends, but that part of me wanted them to be girlfriends. To feel that connection, that bond, with them. The crushes as a teen were hard because it was never really returned. We all kind of flirted with each other, but I was the only one who took it seriously, hoping that it would turn into something more. When I actively started dating, not that I’ve done a ton of it, because, as you say, the dating opportunities in Leeside are limited, I realized I had no interest in dating men. I tried. I had one or two dates with a few different guys, but there was never anything there. No spark. No desire. I had no interest in even seeing if things would go further. At that point, I realized I wasn’t attracted to them. But it was so different when I went on my first date with a woman. I was so nervous that seeing her gave me heart palpitations. She took my breath away. I realized that this was what I had been missing. This was what attraction felt like. I dated her for a few months before we went our separate ways, and I will forever be thankful that she was my first. She showed me how it could be.”
“Wow.”
Sloan looks down at her hands. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Daisy asks, confused.
“For all the pain I caused you.”
She’s wanted to hear these words for so long. To hear that there was some remorse for the hell that Sloan had made of her life. As she soaks the apology in, the darkness she holds within, the protective barrier, begins to shrink. “Thank you. We weren’t exactly on friendly terms, and I was already a pariah, so it shouldn’t have surprised me that I wouldn’t fit in there either.”
“You deserve connection, though. To feel that you belong and are worthy,” Sloan says.
“Meh. I’ve grown used to it,” Daisy responds, instinctively brushing off the attempt at empathy.
Sloan looks down at her hands, still spinning the ring on her thumb. “It doesn’t make it right. I’m sorry you had such a hard upbringing and that I contributed to it.”
“Thanks.”
“So is that why you’re doing this coordinating thing then? To try and prove everyone wrong?”
Daisy hesitates. Sloan nailed it. This event has been her chance to prove everyone wrong. To show them that they made a mistake in underestimating her. In pushing her away. She takes in a slow breath and whispers, “Yes.”
Sloan nods again. Accepting the answer as the complete truth without needing further explanation. “Me too,” she replies.
