Page 17 of Conquered
He takes my hand and leads me back into the bathroom, turning on the taps and running me a bath that is the perfect temperature. As I’m getting in, Lexi comes back, telling me that Sally said to give her a call when I’m having roughly three contractions within ten minutes. I nod, then soak in the tub for a while, letting the hot water soothe my body and calm my nerves. Ryan doesn’t leave my side, chatting gently to me and successfully keeping my mind occupied.
Getting out, he helps me dry off, wrapping me in my big fluffy dressing gown and cashmere socks that Lexi got me for Christmas. We walk towards the rest of the apartment, and I gasp as I see what Lexi has done, tears filling my eyes. The whole place is darkened with only dim lamps and fairy lights casting a soft glow on the main living space. There are cards with positive messages everywhere and soft classical music is playing. I can see on the kitchen countertop is an array of healthy snacks, some chocolate, and vitamin drinks.
“Lexi...” I choke out, lost for words.
“I hope it’s okay?” she gently asks, her tone unsure. “I looked up online about calm home birth spaces, and all these things were suggested,” she tells me.
“It’s...it’s beautiful and perfect. Thank you.” I take her hands in mine and squeeze them. She beams back at me, her own eyes glistening. I gasp as another pain hits, causing me to squeeze her hands a little tighter.
“Right,” she says after the pain has passed. “Remember, Sally said to keep moving. Do you want to have something to eat then go for a walk and get some fresh air?”
I nod, thinking that sounds exactly like what I need.
We come back from the walk when I have to keep stopping to breathe through the ever increasingly painful contractions. I get changed into loose PJ bottoms and a tank top, continuing to walk around the apartment with Ryan supporting me. The contractions have picked up. I’m not sure how frequent they are, but Lexi decides to call Sally who says she’ll be over in about half an hour.
A couple of minutes after that, the pain changes and becomes a lot more urgent. I keep breathing, although it feels harder now as there’s very little let up. I feel the immediate need to squat down like something is coming.
“Lexi!” I manage to gasp out, and she rushes towards me looking at me hunched over, gripping Ryan’s arms tightly.
“Are you pushing, Laura?” she asks, and I don’t know how to answer that as another pain hits because I do feel the urgent need to push down.
Not fully aware of what I’m doing, my body has taken over. I pushed my PJ bottoms down and kicked them off, then got onto my knees in front of the sofa. I vaguely hear someone curse as I scream out, pain tearing my body into two, my opening burning. I move one hand between my legs, and I can feel something round emerging from between my thighs.I can’t be ready! First-borns take longer, that’s what everyone said!
I feel a strong grip on my other hand, and I look up into calming chocolate brown eyes. I don’t have time to register more than that. I can hear Lexi on the phone right behind me when another searing pain tears through me. The hand between my legs comes up and I grip Ryan’s other one with my own,changing position slightly. With a scream, I feel my baby slide out with a rush of wetness.
“Come here, little one,” I hear Lexi coo over my rushing heartbeat and panting breaths.
A second passes, then I hear the wonderful wail of a newborn baby, angry at leaving the warmth of the womb. A part laugh, part cry escapes my lips as I let go of Ryan’s hands and Lexi passes a wriggling towel-wrapped bundle between my legs, I’m still on my knees, and into my waiting arms. I look down at a bright pink screaming face, and my eyes fill with tears of joy.
I look up at Ryan to see his eyes wet as well. “Boy or girl?” he rasps out, and I unwrap the towel to see that I have a daughter. A beautiful baby girl. I cuddle her to me, feeling a rush of slickness between my legs as Lexi declares the afterbirth has come away.
A few minutes later, I hear the door buzzer go off, and Ryan gets up to answer it. I’m still kneeling on the floor; luckily, Lexi put down waterproof coverings with towels on top over the carpet.
“What’s her name?” I hear Lexi say softly from beside me, and I look up from my baby who has settled down a little now.
“Lilly, her name is Lilly Darling.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
18 YEARS LATER…
“Fuck you!” Lilly screams at me, the sound of our front door slamming closed as I stand, leaning my hands on the kitchen counter and trying to calm my anger and terror.
My hands clenched in fists of anger and concern, one shaking around the newspaper clipping I’m clutching tightly. It's an article about an award for a creative writing competition that Lilly won. It’s already two weeks old, and she had it hidden in her room. I hate that she felt like she had to hide it, knowing that I would freak out, but it’s for the best that there are no images of her anywhere. She’s not allowed any social media accounts, which we’ve fought over, and I can never give her a good enough answer. She looks so much like me, and although it’s been almost seventeen years since I ran, Ace’s reach is endless.
I’ve tried to keep us safe, by being anonymous, but of course, Lilly just sees an overbearing and controlling mother who's trying to ruin her life, as most teenagers think when it comes to their parents. How can I tell her that her father is not absent, but a monster that I had to escape from? It’s been the hardest thing to keep from her, but it’s what keeps her safe and that is my priority.
We’ve been fighting so much recently, and not just about my refusal to let her get Facebook, or Tik Tok, or whatever it is she wants to post pictures of her life onto. She hates that I won’t commit to Ryan fully, I still can’t bring myself to put him in that kind of danger. He knows something happened, I’ve never fully divulged my past, but I’m sure he can make an educated guess from the little that I have told him. We’re good friends, with a few benefits when Lilly is away for the night at a friend’s, which isn’t often as I need to know who she’s with to make sure that she’s safe.
It’s all such a mess!
I stay there for what feels like hours but is probably only thirty minutes or so, just breathing, listening to the radio and trying to calm down, when I hear the front door open again. Turning to face her, an apology springs to my lips.
“Lilly, I’m so sor…” I come to a shuddering halt, my whole body flushing with a white-hot terror that freezes me like the burn of ice running through my veins. My heart pounds, and it feels like the whole world has paused on its axis.
“Hello, Violet,” his voice is just as dark as I remember from my nightmares, and although older, he’s just as devastatingly beautiful, too. His eyes have not changed, if anything they look deader than they used to, like the small shred of humanity that used to be in there is completely snuffed out and gone.
“Ace,” I manage to whisper out, my voice broken. “How did you find me?”
