Page 12 of Conquered
Istep out into the brisk evening breeze, wrapping my coat around myself. It's late October, and it's gotten chilly with the dropping temperature. It's getting darker earlier too, and winter is definitely on the way.
Shivering, I walk over to the waiting black SUV, and get into the passenger side, figuring there's no point sitting in the back by myself when I could sit next to Ryan.
Over the last few weeks, I've noticed him. A lot. He's always watching me, not in a creepy way, but like he can't take his eyes off of me. It's intoxicating and makes my cheeks burn. I can'thelp seeking him out if he's nearby, and the small smiles he gives me set my heart racing in my chest.
At the same time, I feel guilty. I left Tom behind, and I can't help but feel like I'm cheating on him somehow, even though it's unlikely we will see each other again. I loved him, still love him. So how can I also have feelings for Ryan?You can't love more than one person at a time, right?
“Penny for your thoughts?” his gruff voice sounds, breaking me out of my confused thoughts.
“Oh,” I reply, flushing and squirming at the question, my hands fidgeting in my lap. “Um, well, I was considering an offer that Grey made me.”
“And what was that?” He growls, and I look up to see his hands tighten on the steering wheel and his jaw clenched.
“Well, he suggested that I might consider becoming a dancer at the club,” I admit, watching for his reaction.
“Will you?” he asks, brown eyes flickering to me then back to the road. I can't read his facial expression, whether he's happy or angry at the suggestion. And that bothers me. I realise with a start that I want to know what he thinks, whether he approves or not. This desire for his approval bothers me. I’ve had a lifetime of pleasing others at my own expense, yet I still wanted to do just that for him. “There's good money to be made in tips, so the girls tell me,” he adds.
“I hadn't really considered it before now, however, I think there must be something freeing about taking your clothes off and being watched like that,” I tell him, and his brows dip in confusion.
“How so?” he enquires, like he's genuinely interested in what I've got to say.
“Well, society expects women to cover up, to conform to certain standards. To be beautiful but not vain, to be admired but not to revel in it. Getting up on a table and taking yourclothes off for the sole purpose to be, well, worshipped and to have your body lusted after, it's kind of like a big F-you to society and its rules. Don't you think?” I ask back, not realising that I actually felt so strongly about it. Although, it's not surprising given the way my parents and then Ace tried to repress me and force me to conform to their ideals.
I look at Ryan as we pull up outside mine and Lexi’s building and can see that he's really considering what I've just said.
“I've never thought about it like that before,” he tells me, “but I guess you're right. I don't look down on any girl who dances, it's nothing to be ashamed of.”
He brings the car to a stop and parks while we sit there for a minute in silence.
“So, are you going to dance?” he asks me, his tone curious but not judgemental as he turns the full weight of his chocolate brown gaze onto me.
“I don't know. I mean, I didn't think it would be an option considering…” I trail off, realising that he's going to find out sooner or later but not quite able to make myself say it.
“Considering?” he queries with a raised brow, and I take a deep breath.
“Considering I'm pregnant,” I say, staring him straight in the eye like I'm ripping a plaster off. Both his brows go up, his eyes falling straight to my stomach as he chews on his full bottom lip in the most distracting way.
“Ah,” he starts, releasing his lip. “And Grey knows and wants you to dance anyway?” he questions me, and I nod in confirmation. “Well, pregnant birds are hot as hell,” he mutters, and I can't help the bubble of laughter that escapes my lips.
“That's what Grey said,” I chuckle, and he smiles in return. It's a smile so full of warmth that I can almost feel it seep into my skin, heating me from the inside out until it feels like the sun is inside me.Damn, he really is pretty.
“Would you like to come up?” I offer. “You know, if you don't have to rush back?”
“I'd love to,” he responds, his blinding smile firmly in place as he switches the engine off.
We get out and head up to the apartment, the chilly night surrounding us as we walk towards the building. We’re both quiet as we get the lift up to Lexi’s floor, and it’s only then do I realise how awkward things are between us. It’s like I’ve invited him up for coffee, which I guess I have, but you know, likecoffee. As in, well, sex. Or, maybe, just making out?Gah! Even my brain is nervous rambling.
“So, the weather has gotten colder recently…” I start, wanting to smack my hands over my face.The weather?! Really?!
He lets out a deep rumbling laugh that helps break the tension.
“That was…” I say cringing.
“Terrible?” he spits out in between bouts of laughter, and this time I join in with him.
The lift pings our floor, and the doors open. It’s a short walk down the hallway; there are only maybe five apartments on each floor. Letting myself in using the spare key that Lexi gave me, I turn on the lights. Ryan follows behind me, closing the door softly and cocooning us in the quiet.
I turn around to offer him, well, coffee or something, but end up finding him standing so close that I’m enveloped in his comforting scent. He smells like cardamom and spicy cinnamon, like safety and warmth and comfort. My breath catches on an inhale, trying to keep his scent inside of me. His hand reaches out to brush my now red hair behind my ear.
