Page 72 of Part of Forever
I also wanted to talk about something other than cancer. Back to the whole soulmates thing from my last letter. Because I’ve been thinking about this a lot. About how maybe for this moment in time,you got to be mine and I got to be yours. And if soulmates are a thing, I think you’re mine.
This letter isn’t a goodbye, but I guess it also sort of is, because I don’t know if you’ll ever come back. Which is breaking me into a million little pieces.
I was talking to Dad about this right before we left the hospital, and he said a few things that I need to share.
Maybe we’re only destined to have one soulmate, or maybe we get more than one in our lifetime. But if you find that person (or persons), the one that looks at you like you’re the sun and moon and stars, hang on. Love them deeply and tell them again and again how you feel. Don’t walk away if you don’t have to. Because life is too short to live with regrets and to live without the one your soul longs to be with. So, take the leap, say the words, and dream big.
Because in the end, you’ll be glad you did.
So, this is me saying the words. I love you, Tucker. I love you so much that it hurts. I didn’t know that you could find your soulmate at eighteen. I don’t know if that’s what we are—all I know is that something has always drawn me to you, and that you’ll be in my heart, always.
I also want to say that I believe in you. You’re going to do great things and write great music and change so many lives with your songs. So please, please, please don’t give up. Even when things are hard. Keep going, keep trying. Keep thinking of me and hanging onto my belief in you. Because you are already a rockstar—you’re my rockstar, and I can’t wait to cheer you on from the stars.
I love you. I always will. And I just needed you to know that.
Love you always,
Rosie
29
I’ve officially been homefor three days, and when I wake up, Grace shakes her head the moment I open my eyes. “Still no word,” she says, shoulders slumped. We’re all camped out in the family room. Mom and Dad are watchingYou’ve Got Mail, Nathan is painting my toenails, and Grace sits next to me with my phone in one hand and hers in the other.
It’s officially summer break and I missed graduation. Even though I’m not dying right this second, everyone doesn’t want to be too far away from me at any given moment—not that I mind the company. This is the most time I’ve ever seen Mom take away from the studio.
But it’s obvious that someone is missing.
He’ll come back,I think to myself.I know he’ll come back. I know Tucker, and I know that he’ll be back.
I shift, moving myself into a sitting position. I’m not great, but I’m okay.
The shadows stretching across the wall tell me that the sun is about to set. I offer Grace and Nathan a smile as I look around the room. I guess if I’m dying, this is a good place to be, surrounded bypeople who I love and who love me. Doctor Barker said it might not be like this always, that my body is still recovering from the chemo and that I will probably be able to do pretty normal things for a little while, especially if I do another round of chemo. I’m still waiting to hear if the tumor is still the same size.
But even if it hasn’t grown, it feels close to the end.
“Hey, Dad,” I say, startling nearly everyone in the room. They go back to their activities and he makes his way over to me.
“Yes, Rosebud?” he asks, sitting down beside me.
“I think I get it now,” I tell him.
He takes my hand. “Get what, sweetheart?”
“Why things like this happen.”
“If you have that answer, I’d love to know,” he says with a smile, but I can see the pain and heartache in his eyes.
I smile at him. “Okay, so maybe I don’t know, but I think I get it. Or at least, I understand what you said. That sometimes we have to go through stuff even if it’s hard, so that we can become better.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m still not sure there’s a God or a heaven, but I hope so. I hope I’ll get to see Lucy, and then I can ask God why He gave us both cancer and why we both had to die so young.”
Dad wipes away a tear with the back of his hand, but I’m strangely not emotional.
“So maybe I don’t get it exactly, but I’d like to believe that maybe He is up there. That maybe all of this had a reason. Like I had to learn that I wasn’t only supposed to be focused on dance. Or maybe that dance could still matter, but that the people around me matter more. I think Lucy said something like that the first time I met her, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t believe her… but I do now.”
“I’m glad, sweetheart,” he says, his eyes watery. “I’m sorry that Tucker hasn’t come back.”
