Page 51 of Part of Forever
“But that’s not how God works.” Dad steps closer to me, pulling me into a hug. “It’s not how parenting works. You don’t want your kids to go through hard things, but sometimes you can’t change it, sometimes you can’t take away their pain.”
“I thought God was supposed to be all powerful or whatever, and could do anything.”
“You know, He probably can,” Dad says, and I can hear the smile in his voice. “But I imagine that sometimes He doesn’t, because maybe we need to go through it. Just like sometimes when a kid crashes on his bike, the parents can’t run to him right away,they need to see if he’ll get up on his own to prove to himself that he is strong, that he’s okay.”
I don’t want to have to prove that I’m strong.
“But there’s just so much bad… so many hard things… it doesn’t make sense,” I say into his chest.
“Well, I guess that’s something you need to think about, and maybe ask Him about,” he says, letting go of me.
“I don’t exactly know how to pray,” I admit. “Or even know if I actually want to.”
“Well, just think about it then; you’d be surprised by what happens when you just take some time to think.”
I nod. “Can we go now? I think my toes are frozen.”
Dad laughs. “Sure kiddo, let’s go home.”
I follow him back up the beach, toward his car. Pausing only once to look out at the bright blue ocean, and I feel a little lighter. I’m still confused, but maybe we really aren’t supposed to have all the answers. That doesn’t mean I’ll stop thinking about the things that don’t make sense to me. Maybe bad things will always still happen, and maybe there isn’t always some greater reason for it, maybe it’s just the way life is. Maybe someday, I can be okay with that.
journal entries - present day (march - april)
March1
Dear Journal,
My tumor is gone—my last blood test came back clear. Which is a great thing, but I still feel so… confused, and so lost.
For the past ten years of my life, my number one goal was to become the best ballerina I could (and possibly the best in the world.) It’s all I talked about with Mom, it’s all I talked about with anyone. Getting into Paris was the next step in my big dream, because once I got into the dance academy there, I was all set for my future. Dance for several years, tour with some big companies if I wanted to, then retire young.
But now I’m not so sure if that’s what I want. Or maybe I’m just feeling guilty that I have these big dreams that are actually falling into place, when my friends aren’t having that experience.
Obviously, I’m not talking about Tucker. He’ll be famous before anyone; people already know his name.
Yesterday, Grace was over at my house and we were painting our nails. She didn’t get into the college she wanted, which means she’s going to start at the community college instead because she didn’t apply to any backups. She really wants to work at Disneyland, butshe isn’t sure she’ll be able to do that now that her new school will be almost an hour away from the park.
I was/am devastated for her, but almost as soon as she told me about everything that was going on, she said, “But I’ll figure it out,” and then started telling me (finally) how things with her and Nathan developed.
The way she explains it was that it just kind of happened. That one day they were friends and the next one of them was flirty, and it all kind of snowballed from there.
I didn’t ask about Nathan’s sexuality; he and I have talked about that a little. Basically, he said that being bisexual fits him the most, since he’s attracted to guys and girls. When I asked him how long he’s known this, he said basically forever. Even if Grace is the first girl he’s ever dated. I’m just glad we were finally able to talk about it.
I’ve been on quite a few dates with Tucker, and yet… I don’t think I’ve ever told Grace about them. Maybe because most of the time he’s with us, so it would feel weird.
But I feel like it’s something different. I keep thinking about all the conversations I’ve had with Grace and Lucy over the past year, and now I’m second-guessing myself. Is dance really not the most important thing in my life? I mean, I still love my family and I really care about Tucker, but dance is what gives me life, so why is everyone (okay, well, not everyone, but it sure feels like it) saying that there are more important things than dance?
I just don’t know anymore. How can something I love be the ‘wrong thing’ to focus on?
Love, Rosie
March 7
DearJournal,
Today I had to go to the hospital because my scar from where they cut me open was really hurting, and Doctor Barker just wanted to make sure everything looked okay.
Apparently, this is normal and I’m just a wimp when it comes to pain, which, when she implied that, made me want to laugh, because I dance until my toes are bleeding and I would keep going if it weren’t for the people who make me stop. I’d dance forever if I could, even if it made my feet fall off.
