Page 19 of Part of Forever
“You should dump him or end whatever this is with him. I can’t ever keep it straight if you’re actually with him or not,” she says and I blink in surprise. “He’s no good for you, and like… you haven’t held hands with him for weeks. When was the last time you even kissed?Haveyou even kissed?”
Nathan is watching me intently now, too, waiting for the answer. He knows the truth, but he’s my twin, so of course he hasn’t told her that it’s mostly just a sham. She may be his best friend, but we’re even closer than that because we shared a womb.
Never,I think, because that was one of our rules: no kissing. “We kiss in private,” I say to them, but I feel my cheeks turn red from the lie. Nathan raises his eyebrows. I wish that we actually had twin telepathy so I could tell him that I’ve never kissed Shawn. The only guy I’ve ever kissed is Tucker.
“I never knew you were such a private person about affection.” Grace mistakes my red cheeks for embarrassment. “I’m your best friend and even when you two hang out with us, you don’t hold hands; you don’t even flirt. You and Tucker have more chemistry than you and Shawn ever have, and you two are just friends.”
My cheeks have got to be bright red now with how much they’re burning. I glance down. Why does this feel so bad to hear her talk about me and Shawn like this? I wonder if Mom even believes that I like him, if my best friend can’t even see the feelings I’ve been trying to pretend to have. I look at the clock hanging above the bar, wondering when the show will start, and trying to figure out how to stall and not answer her accusation.
I don’t know how to tell her that I think I’m in love with her cousin. I don’t know how to tell Tucker that I want to be withhim, butoh hey, also my cancer is back, so you know, I’m the sick girl again.
I can’t tell her, or anyone, about my deal with Shawn and our moms, since it’s been going on for five months now—longer than either of us expected, but he’s more than happy to have someone on his arm that makes Libby jealous. Grace would tell me that we’re just using each other, that we should be honest, and that we’re kind of pathetic. Grace lives in a world where fairy tales have happy endings, but that’s not how real life works. I live in a world where my cancer is back after nine years of remission. And even if I wasn’t sick, I’d be going to Paris in August and Tucker will be in the States, most likely touring or at least opening for someone else.
I have cancer. I have cancer. I have cancer. I have cancer.
The words match my heartbeat and break up any thoughts I was having about Tucker. I look at Nathan, knowing he’ll be able to read my mind. But I’ve been quiet for too long.
Nathan fidgets. I force myself to keep my hands still. Grace notices. “What’s going on with you two?” She glances at me first and then to Nathan, who’s staring at me. I give the slightest shake of my head. I amnotabout to tell her here.
“I broke up with Emmett,” Nathan says and I try to keep my mouth from dropping open. I have to pretend like I know this news. I should know this news. Breaking up with his first boyfriend is a big deal, and I thought he was happy.
“What?Why?” She nearly shouts as she punches Nathan in the shoulder. People at the neighboring table glance at us before returning to their conversation. “Did he do something? If he did something, I’m gonna kick his butt.” Grace raises a fist and looks around the bar which makes Nathan smile; she wouldn’t be able to hurt a fly even if she wanted to. But she’d still give it a try if it meant protecting someone she loved.
“I just don’t think we’re a good fit.” Nathan focuses on the sugar packet in his hand, moving it along thetable.
“But you were so in love with him yesterday,” she says. “What happened?”
He gives a limp smile and glances at me. He broke up with his boyfriend because ofme.Because I have a tumor and he doesn’t know what the future holds. I swallow a lump in my throat.
“I just feel like I might need some time to figure stuff out,” he says, still looking at me. I squirm. I don’t want him to break up with his boyfriend because he’s stressed about me. I know that he’ll be anxious and worried about me being sick and then he’ll be anxious that his anxiety is ruining his relationship. This is his way of shutting things down before Emmett has a chance to walk away, proving Nathan’s biggest fear correct—that having anxiety somehow makes him unlovable.
“How come you didn’t tell me last night? I knew something was off, but I didn’t want to ask,” she says before I can jump in.
“Just wasn’t ready to talk about it,” he answers, his green eyes never leaving mine. “Sometimes talking about the hard stuff is hard, but it also feels good. I already feel better knowing you two know about it.”
Grace is oblivious to the silent conversation that Nathan is having with me.
“We’ll always be here for you,” she says and gives him a side hug, but he still holds my gaze. I want to pull away, but I can’t seem to. Grace continues to babble, unaware of what my brother is trying to tell me. “I think you should still give him a chance, but that’s totally up to you.”
I’m the first to look away. I’m not ready to say anything—not yet, not here, not tonight. It’s a conversation that needs to happen in private, not public.
I sink into my seat as the woman onstage with Tucker takes the microphone and announces him. I swallow my feelings, the news about my tumor, and justeverything. I don’t want to think about any of it right now. I’m here to watch Tucker perform for the very first time.
9
My heart thumpswildly as Tucker takes the stage, pulling the stool away from the microphone as he gets settled. He looks like a real country singer up on the stage and I imagine where he’ll be a few years from now. Filling up stadiums, probably.
“There she is.” I jump in my seat at the sound of Shawn’s voice. Tonight I want to stay with my friends and enjoy watching Tucker perform, but the look on Shawn’s face tells me that won’t be an option.
“Stand in the front with me, babe?” he asks.
I nod with slight defeat, too tired to argue with him, and slide across the booth seat, giving what I hope is an apologetic look to Grace and Nathan who look both sad and disappointed that I’m going with Shawn again. Maybe this will be my chance to talk to him though, to tell him that I’m done with our little charade and done with my mom dictating who I can or can’t like and date.
As we approach the group of people standing in front of the stage, Tucker catches my eye and winks as he pulls the microphone toward him. I look up to see if Shawn noticed, but he’s already talking to Russ about going surfing later. Apparently surfing at midnight is fun (and incredibly stupid) and thrilling (and incrediblystupid) and Shawn has to do it again (because he’s an idiot). I roll my eyes, grateful he’s at least not trying to hold my hand.
“Howdy, y’all,” Tucker says into the mic and nearly everyone cheers. He’s added a bit more twang into his voice. You wouldn’t think that most of my classmates have a thing for country music, but I think there’s something they like about being here when he performs. Plus, he’s nothing like his father, so I think that helps a bit. He’s one of us, but he’s not, because he’s already got an agent and a possible record deal. Everyone sort of idolizes him; they want to be him even though not many people actually know him. He likes to write and sing. He wants to share his music with the world, but he doesn’t want to be in the spotlight every second of the day.
My stomach flutters nervously. Tonight, in just a few seconds, I get to hear him sing live for the first time in my life. Yes, I broke our deal one year ago when I watched his one and only YouTube video, a cover of a song I didn’t know, so technically, I have heard him sing. But not even Nathan knows I watched it. I’ll take that secret to my grave. I think Tucker would hate me if he knew I broke the deal I was so adamant about making. But tonight will be the first time I hear him sing live.
