Page 67 of Begin Again
She shakes her head. “They don’t happen often enough for me to feel like I should talk about them.” There she goes again, trying not to burden others and keep all her pain to herself.
“But they happen,” I say gently. “I am happy to listen, but I’m not a therapist and can’t give you the tools you need to work through this. Will you talk to your therapist about this when we get home?”
She nods against my chest and I think she’s started to cry again.
“What can I do?” I ask, feeling helpless. I wish there was more I could help her with. I wish I could take away every bad feeling and thought she’s having right now.
“Stay with me,” Annie says softly. As if I was ever going to leave.
“Of course.” I pull us against the pillows and wrap the comforter around us. A tiny cocoon just for the two of us.
Eventually, her breathing slows and she relaxes in my arms. Only then am I able to also fall asleep.
35
ANNIE
I wake up wrapped in the warmth that is Sam’s arms. My back is against his chest and I can feel his steady breathing against me. I feel calm, which is a foreign feeling to me. Especially after having a PTSD episode like I did last night, I never wake up in the morning feeling calm. But having Sam’s arms around me all night must have made a difference.
I’m starting to notice that having him around in general makes a difference. But it also makes me wary. I can’t rely on him—or anyone—to help with my feelings. No one is ever that constant, and it isn’t fair to put this on anyone else. I have to figure out how to feel calm and okay without the help of anyone else.
He lets out a long breath and I decide that for right now, just today, I’ll let myself feel okay and safe in his arms. And tomorrow I’ll start to figure out how to do this without him. He might be coming to Colorado with me, but I still won’t make him ever carry the weight of my own mental illness.
That’s too much to put on another person, even if we are married and going to see how it goes.
I feel him shift and I know he’s awake, but sleepy. His arms tighten around me and pull me closer to his warm body. I wait for my body to stiffen, to tense, but I simply curl into him.
“Morning,” he whispers against my hair. He moves and his lips skim the side of my neck and I lean into him even more. “I like waking up with you in my arms.”
“I like it too.”
He kisses my neck again and groans, not a happy one. “I should probably get back up to Noah, best man duties before the wedding and all. But I’d rather stay here with you all day.”
“You can go be with Noah,” I tell him, surprised that I actually mean the words. “And we can spend a day just like this once we get back to my little cabin in Colorado.”
I feel his smile as he presses another feather light kiss against my skin before he slowly releases me. “I’ll be counting down the days.”
“Me too,” I say, feeling suddenly shy. This man is my husband, and I just promised him a day together in bed, what I’ve implied—intentional or not—is huge.
He knows me too well though. “We can do whatever you want that day. No expectations, just you and me, together.”
I nod, though I feel guilty. Sam is a man, surely he has expectations. Mitch always did.
He reaches for me, pulling me into an awkward kneeling hug in the middle of the bed.
“I can feel you overthinking it,” Sam tells me. “I know what you meant when you suggested a day together. I don’t expect anything more than what we’ve already done to happen. I’m amazed and grateful that you even want that with me. I could spend the whole day with you reading beside me and I’d be the happiest man alive.”
My eyes fill with tears. I want to believe him. But I know how relationships work. The guy is always so sweet and romantic andmakes promises like he just made, but as the relationship goes on, men give up on being nice. They drop the romantic things and the only thing that is left is the expectation for more than the woman is often able to give.
I don’t want our relationship to lose this magic, the bubble we’re in here in Hawaii has been amazing, but real life isn’t like that.
“Okay?” he asks when I don’t respond.
“Okay,” I say, maybe I can pretend for a little longer.
He gives my hand three squeezes before letting me go. “I’ll see you soon?”
I nod in response. I’ll need to head up to Tally’s room in a bit because as a bridesmaid I get to get ready with her and her sister. Thankfully, I won’t have to see or interact with Mom until after the ceremony.
